


Lovefools

by justanother30



Series: Lovefools [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Breakups, Eventual Sex, Falling In Love, Grinding, Happy Ending, M/M, Makeout Session, POV First Person, POV Yuri Plisetsky, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Character, Pansexual JJ Leroy, Pansexual Otabek Altin, Post-Canon, Romance, Slow Burn, Stalking, but not too slow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-03-14 23:27:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 64,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13600695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanother30/pseuds/justanother30
Summary: What do you do when your soulmate tells you they found their soulmate too — but it’snotyou?Yuri has no fucking clue. All he knows is that he’s completely heartbroken over his breakup with Beka, trying to drown away his sorrows at a salsa club in Montreal, where Phichit dragged him, hoping it would lift his mood. Good luck with that.To make matters worse, they run into theotherlast person Yuri wants to see — the idiot JJ Leroy, who is there with Chris Giacometti, commiserating over his own breakup with his fiance Isabella. When said ex-fiance shows up, grinding on some douche, Yuri sees his own hurt in JJ’s eyes and he snaps. No one, not even annoying JJ, deserves to havethatrubbed in their face.Before he knows what’s happening Yuri is rushing to JJ’s aid, and finds himself pulled into a crazy scheme with JJ  in an effort to win back his one true love. Trouble is, he's not sure who that is anymore.***





	1. Train Wreck

**Author's Note:**

  * For [XMadamRoseX](https://archiveofourown.org/users/XMadamRoseX/gifts).



> Well my dear @XMadamRoseX, this started in my head as just a fun scene, but has since grown into a greedy little thing that must be fed with romance and antics! But never fear — sexy times will be forthcoming! And I don't plan on it being _too_ long... ;)
> 
> ***

Throwing back another drink I tried to let the beat of the music wash over me. But I felt out of place. Exposed. This was not a dark room lit only by pulsating lights, the thrum of a bass beat under my feet and vibrating in my bones. It was the complete opposite. 

Bright lights and bright colors surrounded me. Congas, steel drums and a full brass band screamed out a syncopated rhythm. That, along with several margaritas, had my head buzzing, at the edge of a headache. 

I looked out over the dance floor. Instead of a wave of bodies moving in time to an electronic beat, there was nothing but loose limbs and shimmying hips, the twirl of full skirts. Clapping, and trilling, and laughter filled the air. 

It was creeping me out.

I swore under my breath that I would make Phichit pay for dragging me here tonight. A salsa club, Phichit? _Really?_ Yeah, I wanted to go someplace where I would be least likely to run into Beka, but surely there could have been other places in Montreal? I mean, come _on!_

Said idiot on the the other hand was having the time of his life. Laughing, arms above his head, Phichit was being twirled around the floor from one partner to another. His giggles had me waving down the waiter and asking for something stronger than margaritas. The man suggested something I’d never heard of before — mez-something — but I didn’t care. 

I counted the seconds until the waiter came back with my drink. The longer I sat here, the more everything stood out in stark contrast to what I'd normally be doing with Beka. It was as if the entire place served only to squeeze my heart into a vice that I couldn’t shake off. 

Finally, the waiter returned, and I grabbed the drink before he had a chance to put it on the table, downing it in one go. It was bitter. Definitely strong, stinging my eyes as I swallowed. I shook my head and shuddered. 

Phichit finished his dance and spun around the leaving waiter, landing in a chair at next to me, panting and still giggling.

“Oh my god! Why have we never come here before? This place is amazing!” 

He pushed around the few empty margarita pitchers on the table until he found one with a bit of alcohol left and poured the last of the cocktail into his glass. 

“Yuri, you need to be out there dancing,” Phichit elbowed me. 

I grunted. “I don’t know how to dance this way.” 

I don’t want to know how to dance this way. I want to be in a dark nightclub, sitting on the stage, watching Beka control an entire room of people using nothing but his turntables. I want to slip my arms around his waist and under his shirt, let my hands move over his hard stomach as I sway behind him to the thudding beat. This style of dancing was the furthest thing I wanted to be around. 

“Oh, please, what’s there to know? You swish your hips and let your partner lead you." He pointed over to a nearby couple. “Look. The steps are easy to pick up, and as long as you stay on the beat you’re golden.” 

I turned my focus back to the crowd and watched the couple’s feet. Well, Phichit was right about that. The steps looked very basic and never really changed at all. So dumb. What kind of dancing was this, repeating the same step over and over? I continued to scan the crowd and saw the same rudimentary steps replayed. I rolled my eyes, and was about to turn away, until I saw a couple at the back of the room. 

I couldn’t make them out too well, but what I could see kept my eyes fixed. The man’s footwork was sharp, controlled. He was leading his partner smoothly through what looked like a more complicated step sequence. I was begrudgingly impressed. My eyes trailed up the man’s lean legs, and I blinked at the quick snap of his hips in a tight figure eight. Okay, that was actually hot.

“Earth to Yuri!” Phichit was waving his hand in front of my face. I shook myself out of my daze, but not soon enough, as Phichit followed my line of sight and chuckled, giving a nod of approval. 

"Nice ass," he said, waggling his eyebrows at me. 

"Shut up."

The song ended and the couple moved closer through the crowd. Phichit and I watched as the man handed his partner, an older woman, down in a chair next to another gentleman around her same age, whose hands were resting on a cane between his legs. The three chatted for a moment, but the man had yet to turn around. He then moved off, and sat at the next table, grabbing his drink and stretching his long legs out while a man sitting next to him draped an arm around him, patting his shoulder.

Oh, _shit._

Phichit burst out laughing, and then before I could stop him, made a bee-line straight towards the two men’s table. After a moment, he was dragging over the last two dumbasses I wanted to see — Chris-The-Manwhore Giacometti and Jean-Jackass-Jacques Leroy — their wrists in each of his hands.

“Look what I brought!” he declared, raising their hands above his head, grinning widely. “No need for you to commiserate alone.”

“What?” I ground out.

“Let’s just say that we all find ourselves single tonight.” Chris offered. 

Phichit let go of JJ, who promptly sat down in a chair across the table, but kept a hold of Chris and pulled him back out on the dance floor. Without a word, JJ took his drink and slung it back quickly, then slammed the glass on the table.

“Dude, easy,” I mumbled into my glass, swirling the large ice cube around.

Dropping his head into his hands, JJ let out a breath. “Sorry.” He rubbed at his eyes, then turned to me, giving me a rye smile. “So, you and Beka, huh?”

“You and Isabella, _huh_?” I shot back, narrowing my gaze. 

I had heard from Phichit that he and his bitchy fiance had broken up, but I really didn’t want to know any of the details.

He raised his hands slightly in surrender, then picked up his empty glass, tilting it towards me. “Love sucks.”

I picked up my own empty glass and tilted it back in his direction with a grunt. JJ gave a bitter chuckle. “Well, Beka’s a fucking fool,” he muttered.

I couldn’t respond. I wanted to cry at that statement. I wanted to feel that, feel how much I hated Beka. But I couldn’t. I could never hate him. Beka wasn’t the fucking fool. I was. 

A tear start to leak out I tried to choke it back, but ended up in a small coughing fit. Turning away, I put my empty glass to my mouth and tilted my head back, trying to drain the last drops of my drink from it. 

“Need another?” Suddenly, the glass was plucked from my hand, JJ standing next to me. “I sure as hell do.”

“Yeah,” I sighed, the fight out of me. How pathetic was I that I couldn’t even fight _JJ_?

“Hang tight.” 

JJ made his way to the crowded bar, waiting to get the bartender’s attention. He leaned against the counter, one leg bent, hips tilted, and I found myself looking at his ass again. He had been pretty sexy when dancing. Whoa there, Yuri. I’d either had too much to drink or not enough. 

Shaking my head, and slapping my own cheek, I pulled myself out of those thoughts. I wasn’t looking for anyone, especially _not_ fucking JJ. I already had someone I wanted. Sure, he didn’t want me right now, but that couldn’t be for forever, it just couldn’t.

Glancing back to JJ, I saw him finally flag down the bartender. He handed off our glasses, then turned and leaned back on his elbows, eyes watching the dance floor. His usual grating confidence and swagger were completely gone. I could see the same dejection I felt in the slump of his shoulders. It was quite jarring, but at the same time, I understood. 

Love _did_ suck. 

It sucked so much when the one person in all the world that you shared your heart and soul with told you nevermind, you weren’t their soulmate after all, that they actually found their _real_ soulmate and so it would be great if you could just stop loving them, but hey, we can still hang out or whatever because I still really care about you. Fucking, suck-worthy lies.

My thoughts were interrupted by a woman’s obnoxious laugh nearby on the dance floor. She was practically glued to her partner, flush against his body, his leg slotted high between hers. Their dance wasn’t like the other couples on the floor, who exuded a sense of light-hearted fun along with all the hip-shaking moves. Their dance was nothing but overt, raunchy sex. The woman brought her hands up her body, running over her breasts, then turned and pressed her hips close to her partner, the two of them grinding in time to the music. 

Sheesh, get a room already. None of us want to watch your gross dance PDA.

The woman laughed loudly again and realization set in. My eyes widened as I saw that it was Isabella. _JJ’s_ Isabella. I barely recognized her, in her bright red, low-slung skirt and matching tight red crop top. She twirled and wrapped a leg around skin-tight leather, and trailed a hand up a sheer black shirt that made her partner look nothing but douchey. 

Suddenly remembering JJ at the bar, I turned to look back towards him. He was wide-eyed as well and completely frozen, hands gripping the counter. Even from where I was, I could see how white his knuckles were. The song ended and Isabella and the douche made their way over to the bar, giggling and kissing sloppily the entire short trip. 

I felt like I was watching a train wreck in slow motion. Isabella stopped short seeing JJ, then pulled Douche’s arms around her. She laughed and said something to JJ, whose shoulders drooped even more, and a pit started to slowly grow in my stomach. His eyes stayed fixed on her, like prey in the thrall of a beautiful predator, watching as she continued to let Douche paw all over her while they waited to get their drinks. 

It was me and Beka all over again. Seeing his hand holding another’s, lightly caressing it with his thumb, as I tried to choke back the bile in my throat and keep my hands from closing around the neck of the woman by his side, who smiled sweetly up at Beka while he told me he hoped we could all just be friends. 

It was me wishing to the stars and the universe and any god that was out there that the ground would just open up and swallow me whole. Bury me deep inside its darkness so I would never have to see Beka return another fond gaze on his fucking “soulmate.” 

It was me willing JJ to say something. _Do_ something. Anything to stop the torture I was witnessing.

Nothing. JJ continued to do nothing, and I found myself walking over to the bar before I realized I had even left the table.

“Hey babe, where’s my drink?" I pouted. "I’m getting lonely over there, waiting for you." 

JJ didn’t blink. Didn’t move. 

Without so much as a glance back, I maneuvered so I was between him and Isabella, though I could feel her eyes boring a hole in the back of my skull. I put my hand on JJ’s arm, sliding it up to his bicep and squeezed. He looked at me then, eyes closing and opening slowly a couple of times. Putting my other hand on his face, I thumbed his jaw. 

“Drinks?” I said sweetly, looking up at him through my lashes. 

JJ stuttered, but couldn’t seem to form any coherent words. His eyes kept slipping to look behind me, at Isabella. Alright, if that’s how it was going to be — time to bring out the big guns. 

“Nevermind, I want this more anyway,” I said and pulled his mouth down to mine. 

JJ stiffened instantly, and I panicked for a moment as well. This wouldn’t do a fuck’s worth of good if he couldn’t play along. 

“Come on, Leroy,” I breathed into his lips, biting slightly, “kiss me.”

He looked down at me with half-lidded eyes for a beat, then relaxed slightly as I wrapped my hand back around his neck. Slowly, I moved my lips over his, pressing in. JJ was still way too reserved, and it was pissing me off. A scrape of my teeth, followed by my tongue, and he gave a small gasp, lips parting. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for me to slip into his mouth. 

As soon as my tongue met his, JJ finally, _finally,_ started to reciprocate, his hands finding my hips and tugging me toward him. The kiss was slow, and I felt that pit in my gut stir and start to flutter as we continued to interweave lips and tongues. Lips parted for a moment, though tongues stayed connected, before I tilted my head the other way and continued with our kiss.

Fingers dug in deeper around my hips. My hand reached from neck to undercut, fingernails raking the softness. I found myself sighing, the other hand splayed across a well-defined pec. _Beka._ I just wanted to kiss Beka again, like this, sensual and deep. I leaned in further, and felt the kiss become stronger, hungrier. I growled and pulled that mouth firmer to mine. Yes. Kiss me Beka. Kiss me like you never left.

A breathy, “Yuri,” in a voice deeper than Beka’s shook me to my core, and brought me back from the abyss I was losing myself to. I broke through the surface and realized I was making out with JJ, _not_ Beka. I snapped back.

Blue eyes stared down at me, and I couldn’t help but stare back. I took a shaky breath, and so did JJ. Then I heard a scoff behind me. JJ’s eyes darted away for a moment, looking again at his tormentor, then back to mine, still pleading, asking what to do next. That grounded me, seeing that look. Focus, Yuri, _focus._

Another breath and I started to feel more myself. I squeezed the back of JJ's neck and smirked. Looking my over my shoulder, I gave Isabella a quick scathing glance.

“Oh, hi Isabella. Didn’t see you there.” Then, to JJ, “Come on, baby. Let’s dance.”

Without another look in Isabella’s direction, I took JJ by the hand and pulled him to the dance floor, doing my best to ignore Phichit and Chris, who were stock still and gawking at us, both their mouths hanging open. Staying on the edge of the crowd, where there was a direct line of sight to the bar, I put my arms over JJ’s shoulders and started swaying as best I could to the song. JJ barely moved.

I beamed a toothy smile up at him while I ground out between my teeth, “I have no fucking clue how to dance to this music. I need you to lead me.”

Releasing a breath, JJ nodded and put his hands my waist, directing the movement of my hips. He was moving more to the song now, but his brows were furrowed and he kept sneaking glances back towards Isabella, who was staring straight at us, arms crossed, an incredulous look on her face.

“Hey, hey,” I shifted us so JJ's back was to the bar. “Don’t look over there.” Stepping closer and putting my hands on the sides of his head I pulled his forehead down to mine. “I need you to stay with me, alright?”

He nodded again. A new song started, slower, and… seductive. _Perfect._ Just what we needed, if JJ could get his shit together and pull out that sexy dancer inside. I slid my hands down to his chest, and swung my hips to the music in an exaggerated motion. JJ blinked down at me, but I smiled.

“Now, let’s fucking show that bitch what she’s missing out on.”

Ah, that finally lit a fire in JJ’s eyes.

He tightened his grip on my waist then spun me out from him, catching me easily after a couple of rotations without missing a beat. I put my arms back over his shoulders, and he pulled me into him, our hips swaying together slowly for a few beats, before he pivoted, switching directions. 

And then we were really moving. JJ whipped me around him as he twirled at the same time. Fuck, he was a really good dancer. I found myself falling easily into his lead. His hands on my hips, back, shoulders, always maintaining contact, and I never felt lost with all the moves he was putting us through. 

Damn, I could see the appeal of dancing like this. I didn't know how it was possible, but the music was fast and slow at the same time. Sure, the steps weren't necessarily complicated, yet there was a lot of room for expression. JJ would drag out some of our movements, then lead us into a quick syncopated rhythm. The contrast felt amazing. I fell into the performance of it, letting my hands roam over JJ’s body, fingers lightly touching his face. 

What surprised me the most was how easy it was to match his moves. I could feel when JJ wanted to move, when he wanted to speed up or slow down. Feel when he wanted me to spin, or fling out a hip. I had never danced like this with a partner. Never felt like this with a partner. 

Now _my_ head was getting foggy. I shouldn’t be here, dancing like this, feeling this way with someone else. I definitely shouldn't be feeling this way with _JJ_ of all people.

The last notes of the music played and JJ grabbed my leg and pulled it up to his hip, bending me smoothly back into a dip. I was breathless as I felt him completely hold my weight. He kept me there for a beat after the song finished, and then pulled me back against him.

Cheers erupted. Looking around the dance floor we were surrounded by a large crowd. Chris was hooting and Phichit was clapping and jumping up and down. People pressed in, congratulating us on our dance. JJ smiled shyly at me, rubbing the back of his head. I gave him a small smile back.

A sudden spark in his eyes jolted me back to Isabella. "Oh!" we said to each other, turning just in time to catch a flash of red as she stomped away, pushing her way roughly through the crowd, dragging the douche behind her.

JJ let out a laugh and pulled me into a hug, lifting me off the floor, eliciting more whoops and whistles. “Thank you, Yuri, thank you so much!” 

My heart was hammering. I needed to get my barrings back, and this wasn’t helping. “Yeah, yeah, let me down you big ass wipe.”

He lowered me down, but kept me tight against him. “I don’t know what I would have done without you,” he said softly. “I don’t know…”

The room was turning blurry, and all I could feel was JJ enveloping me. “Well, you’re welcome, already. Don’t turn all sappy on me.” 

He chuckled, and finally let me extricate myself from his arms. The crowd started to disperse as the band struck up another song. All I could think was that I badly needed another drink and moved to leave the dance floor, but a hold on my wrist kept me from fleeing. 

“Please, Yuri. Can we dance some more?” JJ didn't look at me, but shuffled his feet a bit and cleared his throat. “I just… I wasn’t thinking about… Izzy...when we were dancing. So, can we just keep dancing?”

I wasn’t thinking about Beka either when I was dancing with JJ — and that was the problem. I couldn't lose my hold on Beka. I couldn’t let my heart and mind forget. And dancing with JJ had made me forget. 

Looking to the bar where Isabella had stood, I thought of Beka and sighed.

“Okay,” I turned back and put my arms around JJ’s shoulders again. “Just one more song.”

We danced for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I imagine JJ and Yuri dancing to is ["Havana" by Camila Cabello](https://open.spotify.com/track/1rfofaqEpACxVEHIZBJe6W?si=vdBPKGQgQpCdnbF_A_IF4A), though ["Despacito" by Luis Fonsi](https://open.spotify.com/track/7CUYHcu0RnbOnMz4RuN07w?si=cMIqQv7wSpy9J3T5uHunOQ) is a really close second.
> 
> Okay, folks! Hope you enjoyed! Find me on tumblr [@suzewrites](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/) where I post about my writing process, share writing tips, ideas for new YOI stories, and the like.


	2. Hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The couch. I remembered JJ’s long limbs sprawled over it, and walked tentatively over. “JJ?” I whispered hoarsely as I peaked over the back._  
> 
> _But the couch was empty, the blanket I had haphazardly thrown over JJ after he landed there, folded neatly and draped over the arm. I exhaled the breath I’d been holding._
> 
> _For the life of me I couldn’t fathom what possessed me to invite him back here. It’s not like I intended for anything to happen since we were both completely smashed. Looking down at the couch my stomach fluttered. JJ’s head had been buried deep in the cushions and my fingers had found their way to softly comb through his thick hair. He’d sighed contentedly, then started lightly snoring. My hand reached out again for the space he was no longer in. I withdrew it quickly. Yeah, I was utterly and thoroughly smashed last night._
> 
> ***

The light streaming through the small crack in my curtains made my stomach churn. The fact that the rest of my room was completely pitch black made the light seem even brighter, like the sun was directly outside my window. The light seemed to glow greenish. Or, perhaps that was just the wave of nausea that swept over me as I breathed in.

I moaned at the pounding in my head, and vaguely wondered how I had managed to make it home last night. Unbidden, flashes of images came to mind. Phichit dragging me to that stupid salsa club. JJ’s sexy ass when he was dancing. Phichit’s overly-bright smile as he danced with Chris. JJ’s dejected look sitting at our table. Isabella’s sneering laugh at the bar. JJ’s soft lips as we kissed. The crowd cheering us after our dance. JJ’s arms holding me tight. The bartender cutting us off after our eighth round of tequila shots. JJ’s head on my shoulder in the cab ride to my flat. I moaned again, squeezing my eyes tighter, hoping that would eradicate the night from my memory.

A wave of nausea hit again with full force and it was definitely time for me to get up. My bed was a mess of sheets, which only seemed to get messier the harder I tried to escape. Damn sheets, I needed to get out of here! Each passing second simply enhanced my panic, knowing that if I didn’t get to the bathroom soon it would be too late. Damn, damn, damn everything! I finally broke free and bolted down the hall, barely making it in time to hurl into the toilet.

I wiped up the bits of vomit that missed the bowl, then glanced at myself in the mirror. My hair was a jungle, since I had failed to put it up before bed. It was getting rather long, reaching just past my shoulders, and was probably due for a cut, but it was just so much easier to tie back or throw into a messy bun when it was this length. I took a few minutes to comb out most of the tangles and put it in a pony tail before heading back to my room.

Although the worst of the nausea has passed, I yanked the curtain closed for principle’s sake. Grabbing a hoodie from the floor and throwing it on, I plopped back down on the bed, legs hanging off the side, an arm draped over my eyes. I groped around for my phone on the nightstand, finally finding it and peaked out from under my arm to see the time. Shit, I’d slept till _noon?_ Victor was going to ream my ass.

I seem to have turned my phone to silent sometime in the night, and had dozens of missed calls and texts, mostly from Victor and Phichit. I scrolled through my notifications, ignoring the litany of Phichit’s _“OMG! Did you leave with JJ?!”_ texts. Oh, god. He wasn’t still here was he?

Straining my ears for any noise outside my bedroom, I waited. The only sound, though, was my own rapid heartbeat. All else seemed silent. I got up then, slowly making my way to the kitchen.

Daylight streamed through the large windows that took up two sides of the flat, gleaming off the white counters and walls. I squinted against the sun, my eyes still used to the darkness of my room. Everything in the flat was so damn white. It would not have been my choice, but Victor was renting it, so of course everything was modern — the kitchen, dining area, and living room all melding into one large room. It had come furnished, barely, with its minimalistic decor, so always looked stark and empty despite my crap being strewn all over. At least the couch was comfortable.

The couch. I remembered JJ’s long limbs sprawled over it, and walked tentatively over. “JJ?” I whispered hoarsely as I peaked over the back.

But the couch was empty, the blanket I had haphazardly thrown over JJ after he landed there, folded neatly and draped over the arm. I exhaled the breath I’d been holding.

For the life of me I couldn’t fathom what possessed me to invite him back here. It’s not like I intended for anything to happen since we were both completely smashed. Looking down at the couch my stomach fluttered. JJ’s head had been buried deep in the cushions and my fingers had found their way to softly comb through his thick hair. He’d sighed contentedly, then started lightly snoring. My hand reached out again for the space he was no longer in. I withdrew it quickly. Yeah, I was utterly and thoroughly smashed last night.

I desperately wished there something here of Beka’s. A sweatshirt, a dirty sock, anything. I needed his presence to pull me back from these thoughts of JJ that kept clouding my head. But when Beka had moved here three months ago he’d insisted on getting his own apartment, and he’d declined my offer of sectioning off part of the closet for him or taking a drawer. Everything came and left with him in his overnight bag anytime he came over. He’d never even left a toothbrush. 

At the time, I ignored the small nagging voice in my head telling me that something had shifted in Beka. We’d been together for so long, since I was a young teen — though we hadn’t actually started sleeping together until I’d turned eighteen — that it never entered my thoughts that we would ever be apart.

I sighed and rubbed at my chest. Oh, Beka, I need you.

Against my own better judgment I opened Beka’s Instagram feed and scrolled through his latest pictures. There were tons of him with his new girlfriend tagged #loveofmylife and #soulmate and #mydestiny. I thumbed past those as quickly as I could till I reached further in his feed to pictures of us. Hashtags on our pictures read #chillingwithmyboy and #myhottie. I wanted to throw up again.

For a moment I contemplated throwing my phone across the room when it lit up with Victor’s incoming call. I wasn't even close being ready to deal with him yet, not before I had some coffee at least. I hit ignore and threw my phone on the couch. Oh, Victor was going to _love_ that.

Shuffling to the coffee pot I was surprised to see it full, set to warm. A small bottle of Advil on the counter sat atop a note:

_Yuri,  
Thanks for letting me crash here last night, and for keeping me from making a complete idiot of myself in front of Izzy. Don’t know if you’ll be hungry, but I made some crepes and threw them in the fridge. They’re pretty light if you feel sick._

_Text me, let me know you’re alive._  
_JJ_

He had written his number on the bottom of the note. I stared at it for a minute, then crumpled the note and threw it at the trash. It missed by a wide margin. Bending over, I grabbed it and made to chuck it in the bin, but instead shoved it in my pocket.

The mention of food made my stomach growl. I threw my head back and let out a large “Ugh!” to no one, then yanked open the fridge. I saw the plate of crepes on the top shelf covered in a towel. The plate clattered as I threw it down on the counter, grabbed one and shoved it in my mouth.

I would deal with JJ later. First, I had to dig myself out of the hole of shit I was in with Victor. I poured myself a large cup of coffee, and popped the medicine bottle open. After taking the pills and a few more long sips from my mug, it was time to face the inevitable.

Victor answered on the first ring. “Why hello there, Yuri,” he said smoothly.

He didn’t sound angry. Of course he wasn’t like Yakov, always yelling at me every five minutes. Those days were long behind me ever since Victor had become my coach a year ago. But it was unnerving, because with Victor I still could never tell how upset he really was. Gone was the over-the-top flamboyant skater that I knew from my youth. Having been his husband Yuuri Katsuki’s coach for several years seemed to mellow him out. When Yuuri retired after winning his fifth consecutive Worlds, Yakov decided he wanted to finally retire as well, and acknowledging that Victor could actually act like a real coach, entrusted him to continue my training. It was something I was still getting used to though, even after all this time.

“Hey Victor, I’m really sorry but I was out with Phichit —”

Victor cut me off. “Yes, I know. Chris texted me a video of your dance with JJ.”

 _Fuck._  Victor didn’t like JJ. Found him not so much annoying like I did, just not talented, and that was worse in Victor’s book. The fact that JJ and I kept trading places on the podium practically every competition didn’t win him any favors either. It just put more pressure on me, since Victor felt beating JJ should be easy with my training and talent. Easier said than done.

“You know, he should stick to ballroom…” Victor mused, “and you should stick to ballet.”

Ouch. I cringed. Okay, so he _was_ mad.

I shot back. “It’s not like I planned on dancing with JJ! I didn’t even want to go out, except that Phichit wouldn’t keep his mouth shut about wanting a break from that stupid ice show you guys are all in —”

“Calm down, Yura,” Victor interrupted my rant, then sighed. “Listen, I know the last couple of months have been hard on you with… well, you know… and I know I’ve been busy choreographing the ice show, and not been able to give you my full attention. But, I expect you to take your training more seriously.”

“Fine, I get it, I fucked up. I’ll be at the rink soon —”

“Yakov didn’t ask me to be your coach so that you could slack off. It’s time for you to make staying at the top of the podium your priority.”

“Okay, okay, enough with the guilt trip —”

“So I expect you all the earlier tomorrow.”

“Listen, I said I’m sorry, alright — wait, tomorrow?” I stammered out.

“Yes, get some rest, and get your head together, Yurachka. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Victor hung up and I just stared at my phone. Did Victor Nikiforov just give me the day off?

My stomach grumbled again. Shoving another crepe in my mouth, I grabbed the plate and headed for my living room. How in god’s name did JJ make these without waking me up? I must have really been out of it to not hear him shuffling about in my kitchen. Thinking of him out there doing all of that made my stomach flutter again.

Pulling out JJ’s crumpled note, I smoothed it over my leg a couple of times and re-read it. _“Text me, let me know you’re alive.”_ Hmph. Punching the numbers in my phone I fired off a text.

 _Me 12:20 PM_  
_ << Hey, I’m alive._

 _JJ 12:22 PM_  
_ >> Hallelujah! I was worried I left you for dead this morning._

_< < Haha, very funny asshole._  
_< < I’m weirded out that you were riffling through all my things in the kitchen though._

_> > Yes, now I know all your deep, dark kitchen secrets._

I snorted.

_> > I had to pay you back for saving my ass last night somehow. So I figured the least I could do was make you the Leroy family’s famous crepes._

_< < These crepes aren’t THAT great, you know._

_> > ;;o;;_

_< < I danced the FUCKING SALSA with you last night. You owe me big for that Leroy _— I’d almost typed out something about the kiss, but decided I didn’t want to bring it up. Before sending, I stared down at the message. Something didn’t feel right anymore. I deleted a bit and retyped before sending it off — _You owe me big for that JJ._

_> > How big is big?_  
_> > Dinner and a movie big?_  
_> > Or buy you a house big?_

_< < Well, I’m in pretty deep shit with Victor. I missed practice today._

_> > Oh, fuck. I’m sorry, man. I didn’t think._  
_> > So you saved my ass, and I got you in trouble with the golden coach? Ok, so I DO owe you big._  
_> > Better start saving for that house now. Goodbye sponsor money…_

Despite myself I was chuckling out loud. I turned on my Xbox, throwing in whatever game was closest.

_< < Don’t get your panties in a bunch. He actually let me have the day off. I think an alien stole my coach and replaced him with a human._

_> > Lol. So, what are you doing today with your newfound freedom?_

_< < Just hanging out, playing Xbox. Eating your crappy crepes._

_> > Sounds like a dream actually. My parents have me doing some crazy drills today. Criss, I thought they’d give me a break in the off-season._  
_> > But who am I kidding. There is no off-season._

_< < I know, right? I think Victor works me more on the off-season than during it._

Several minutes passed and I kept looking at my phone. Maybe JJ was called back to practice. He wasn’t mad about my text about the crepes, was he? I mean, I was just giving him shit like I always did. Argh, I threw the phone to the other side of the couch. What did I care what JJ thought?

My phone chimed and I dove for it.

_> > Want to hang out later? I can start paying off my debt with dinner and a movie at least. Until I get you your house that is._

I just stared at the message, thumbs hovering over the keyboard, cursor blinking.

No, I didn’t want to hang out more with JJ. Just because I helped him out last night didn’t mean I wanted to keep seeing him. I closed my eyes and rubbed my hands over my face, then sent back my reply.

_< < Sure._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, folks! Hope you enjoyed! Find me on tumblr [@suzewrites](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/) where I post about my writing process, share writing tips, ideas for new YOI stories, and the like.


	3. Horror Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Beka’s girlfriend made a small, surprised gasp. “Sorry, I didn’t get your name.”_
> 
> _“JJ. Yuri’s boyfriend. I’d shake your hand but as you can see…” he indicated the tray of food._
> 
> _“Oh, of course. I’m Kayla, Beka’s girlfriend, and this is Paige.” The friend’s face fell a little, hearing JJ and I were together._
> 
> _JJ simply hummed and nodded._
> 
> _“Ready?” He turned to me and stuck his elbow out. It took me a second to catch on but then I hooked my arm through it and he led me to our theater. The women followed behind._
> 
> _“I hope it’s okay I said that,” JJ quietly said to me. “I was just having deja vu and seemed like you needed some help.”_
> 
> _“No, it’s fine. Thanks.”_
> 
> ***

Seeing JJ in my kitchen was odd, especially since he seemed to know where things were. He had brought over a pizza and some beer — “Shh! Contraband!” — and was grabbing some plates, then found my bottle opener faster than I usually did.

Plopping down next to me on the sofa, and throwing the box on the coffee table, he opened it and I moaned.

“Oh _fuck,_ I haven’t had a good, greasy pizza in so long,” I said, grabbing the largest slice, cheese stretching to my lap until I snapped it off with my fingers. I closed my eyes and licked them with a hum of satisfaction. “Ah, _vkusno_!” 

When I opened my eyes JJ was watching me with a wide grin. 

“I figured we’ve earned it.” He winked and opened a couple of beers, handing me one.

“Damn right we have.” Bottle necks clinked together, and we each took a swig.

JJ sat back as we ate and looked around the flat, “You know, this is a nice place, but not what I would have figured you for, princess.”

I lifted my chin at the room and huffed out, “This is all Victor’s doing.” Then, I shot JJ a dark look. “And you know better than to call me that. I’m not fifteen anymore.”

He smiled as he put his lips to his bottle for another drink. “Oh, I’m well aware.”

The look JJ gave me started those damn flutters again in my stomach, and made my head buzz. I went to grab another slice, but I could feel his eyes on me, and I wanted him to stop already.

“You always were such a jerk,” I shoved him with my shoulder. “No wonder Isabella hooked up with that douche.”

The hurt in JJ’s eyes was instant. 

Shit.

“JJ, I’m —” I reached for his arm, but he moved away quickly and went to the kitchen, back turned away from me, head hanging low. Man, _I_ was the fucking jerk.

Rubbing my eyes with my hand, I heaved a sigh, shaking my head at myself. JJ didn’t say anything and the silence was unbearable. 

Another moment passed. “Shit, shit, shit,” I muttered under my breath, then pushed myself off the couch.

“JJ, I’m so sorry,” I went and stood next to him in the kitchen. “That was a total dick move. I didn’t mean it.”

His eyes were closed and he let out a small, shuddering breath. Oh man. 

“Really, I’m so fucking stupid. I’m really, really sorry JJ. I would have punched me in the face for that comment.”

Lips barely quirked up at that and his eyes opened, but still he kept his gaze down. I reached out a tentative hand, lightly placing it on his shoulder.

“Seriously, you can totally punch me if you want.”

JJ breathed out. “I just thought, after last night, that we might actually be able to be friends.”

Before I could stop myself I said, “We are friends. We are. I’m just the shithead that doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut. I’m _that_ idiot friend.” I squeezed his shoulder slightly, but my mind reeled at my own words. _Was_ I friends with JJ? Well, too late to back out now.

“I won’t argue that.” His eyes narrowed and he let out a single laugh. 

I hopped up to sit on the counter facing him, and rubbed his arm. Those blue eyes looked at me finally.

“You’re right, though. I can be a jerk. I know I teased you pretty mercilessly when you made your Senior Debut.”

My eyebrow quirked. “You think?”

“Just because I had a crush on you,” he shrugged. Now both my eyebrows shot up. “You were quite precious, _princess._ ” 

I laughed a little, still unsure of this new ground we were on. “Okay, I deserved that.” But I lightly punched him on the arm.

JJ turned towards me and leaned his hip on the counter. “And Izzy did put up with a lot over the years.” 

I didn’t move. I didn’t want him to think that he needed to talk about his breakup because of what I’d said. He could take my route, and just ignore that the breakup had happened at all. 

“Though the stalker didn’t help,” JJ sighed.

“Wait, _what?!_ ”

“Oh, you know, just a crazy fan. Someone who’s a little _too_ into me. Haven’t you had that?”

“Uh, no,” I gave him an incredulous look. “My fans are lovely, docile creatures.”

We both burst out laughing at that.

“No, your fans are just scared to death of you,” JJ continued to chuckle.

“Seriously, though. A stalker?” 

“It hasn’t been too bad. She keeps opening new accounts on Twitter and Instagram that I have to keep blocking. And she found my phone number but I was able to block her there, too. She showed up at some events trying to break through security. She even sent a few letters to Izzy, telling her she didn’t love me the way I needed, so we had to get a restraining order. Shit like that.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah. Izzy thought I was being too soft and not doing more to stop her. That I actually _liked_ the girl.”

“Are you shitting me?”

JJ shrugged. “She was always saying I’m too friendly with my fans.”

“Well, you are an annoying flirt you know.”

A seductive look and a wink. “Oh, am I now?” I rolled my eyes. 

But then his tone sobered. “Izzy was probably right, though. I really didn’t take it seriously enough. I should have. I wouldn’t have lost her otherwise.”

We both were silent for another minute. I didn’t know how to comfort JJ, seeing I was still swirling in my own fucked up emotions over Beka.

What a mess we both were.

“So…” I bit my lip, racking my brain for what to say. 

JJ gave me a hesitant half-smile, but then gazed out to the living room.

Suddenly I perked up. “Oh, yeah! Movie!” That had JJ grinning again, eyes brighter.

I jumped down and went to clean up the stuff from the living room. JJ joined me, picking up the pizza box while I grabbed the plates and bottles.

“What are you in the mood for?” he asked as we moved back to the kitchen.

“ _Not_ another superhero movie. Beka dragged me to all of them and I still have no idea what’s going on.” It barely registered in my mind that saying Beka’s name aloud normally left me falling to a heap on the floor.

JJ laughed but looked a little sheepish.

“No! Don’t tell me you like them, too?” 

“What’s not to like, they’re cool!”

“Ugh! I should’ve known.” I sighed dramatically, and he grinned. Then I bumped his hip. “Okay, what about you. What movies do you hate?”

“Oh, if I never have to see another romantic comedy in my life it will be too soon.” I gave a loud laugh. I could heartily agree with that. 

“You know what I miss seeing?” I said. “A fucking, horrible, gory, slasher movie.”

“Oh my god, yes!”

“Beka hated them. Thought they were too cheesy.”

“But that’s part of the fun!”

“That's what I kept telling him!”

We were in JJ’s car before too long, heading to the theater, though we argued over who was paying the entire drive there. He swore he still owed me for the salsa club, while I insisted that I had to make up for my shitty comment earlier. When I pulled out my phone and ordered the tickets on the way with a flourish, JJ pursed his lips. “Well played.” But he bolted for the concession stand as soon as we entered the building, and I couldn’t keep up with his long-legged strides. 

Giving up I hung out in the lobby, texting Phichit while trying to avoid answering his pestering questions about my dance — and kiss — with JJ.

“Yuri? Is that you?” someone called.

Turning, my breath stopped as I locked eyes with Beka’s girlfriend who was waving at me from across the lobby. I remained frozen as she came over with another young woman.

She smiled at me for a minute, waiting for me to say something I supposed.

All I could manage was, “Is Beka…?” My mouth felt like cotton.

“Oh, no,” she scoffed. “I wanted to see that new movie, _Blood in the Streets_ —” I cursed inside, that was the same movie JJ and I were seeing “— but you know how Beka hates horror movies.” 

She smiled and winked at me like we were old pals, sharing anecdotes about a quirky friend. I wanted to stab her eyes out. “We’re having a girls night.” 

Her friend smiled shyly at me through her lashes. Great, I knew that look. Not on the market honey, especially for anything of the female persuasion. I returned a small scowl. 

“Yuri and Beka used to skate a lot together,” Beka’s girlfriend explained to her friend. 

Oh, girl, we did much more than skate together.

“What about you? Here alone?” The pity in her eyes made my stomach churn.

“Um, no,” I swallowed thickly, “I’m here with —” 

“With me,” JJ came up with a tray full of food. He smiled and I let out a sigh of relief. 

“Extra butter, just how you like it.” Good guess, though after my gushing about greasy pizza it wasn’t a hard leap. He turned to show candy boxes shoved in his back pockets. “Grab those will you, _mon ange_? I don’t want to sit on them and I’ll forget.” 

I pulled the candy out of his pockets. Looking back at me over his shoulder JJ lifted an eyebrow and winked. Oh, he could turn on the flirt. Thank god. Then, he waggled his eyebrows. I smirked and gave his ass a smack. 

Beka’s girlfriend made a small, surprised gasp. “Sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

“JJ. Yuri’s boyfriend. I’d shake your hand but as you can see…” he indicated the tray of food.

“Oh, of course. I’m Kayla, Beka’s girlfriend, and this is Paige.” The friend’s face fell a little, hearing JJ and I were together.

JJ simply hummed and nodded. 

“Ready?” He turned to me and stuck his elbow out. It took me a second to catch on but then I hooked my arm through it and he led me to our theater. The women followed behind.

“I hope it’s okay I said that,” JJ quietly said to me. “I was just having deja vu and seemed like you needed some help.”

“No, it’s fine. Thanks.”

We settled in an empty row towards the top of the theater, the women sitting a few rows down. Beka’s girlfriend kept looking our way. JJ raised the arm rest between the seats and put his arm around me pulling me close, setting the popcorn between his knees.

“Better keep up appearances,” he said, lifting his hand around my shoulder to wave down at Kayla, who turned away quickly. I breathed out a groan. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through the movie.

JJ gave my shoulder a squeeze and nodded towards her. “Don’t worry, I got you.”

I tried to concentrate on the movie, I really did, but Kayla kept sneaking glances back towards us. Each time she did I found myself moving closer to JJ. First, it was moving my leg next to his, then turning into him slightly. Letting my head drop to his shoulder. A hand on his knee. Each touch sent a warm jolt through me which I tried to ignore as much as I tried to ignore Beka’s girlfriend. I was miserably failing at both.

After we were full of popcorn JJ put the bucket next to him and grabbed my hand, pulling it into his lap. He scooted down some in his seat and I followed, snuggling against him. 

JJ rested his cheek on my head. “Just try to forget her.” 

But I couldn’t. People in the theater were screaming and gasping while monsters on the screen ate people, but all I could see was the monster a few rows down. And she was slowly eating my soul. 

“ _Criss,_ that woman is nosy,” JJ mumbled in my hair as Kayla nudged her friend, both turning once again to look at us. He gave an exasperated sigh, “Come here.” 

Hooking his hand under my leg he lifted and draped it over his, then he lightly cupped my chin, turning my face towards him. 

“Is this okay?” he whispered, stopping just short of our lips meeting.

I glanced down to Beka’s stupid girlfriend who was whispering to her friend as they looked at us over their shoulders.

“Fuck, let’s give her a show,” I said and tilted my head. 

“Old hat for us now, right?” JJ snickered once, then leaned in and kissed me. 

Unlike last night this kiss didn’t get too deep as we softly massaged each other’s lips. JJ’s were full and shapely and tasted like butter and salt. I lightly nibbled and sucked on them for a bit, JJ doing the same. We kissed like that for a while and it was a welcome distraction. 

Relaxing, I leaned back into his arm and moved my other leg over his as well, so I was practically sitting in JJ’s lap. He slid a hand up my leg, thumb circling on my thigh, but kept it decent and didn’t move up any further.

The longer we made out the more we fell into sync, just like when we danced. We breathed in at the same time, the tilt of our heads naturally switching. And just like with the dancing, JJ was a fantastic kisser. 

Our tongues finally met and I sighed. JJ’s hand found my hair, fingers playing around my ear, lightly caressing the nape of my neck. My hand on his arm, stroking, feeling the hair on his forearm soft under my palm. We pulled back for a minute but just stared at each other before leaning in again, our lips pulled to each other like magnets.

I hadn’t made out at a movie theater like this since I was sixteen. Beka and I had snuck into an empty theater when I had visited him in Almaty, making out sloppily in the dark until people started shuffling in. He then pushed me away immediately and was stiff for the rest of the movie. He hadn’t even held my hand.

JJ wasn’t like that at all. This theater was almost full and here he was with his tongue down my throat. 

The darkness of the theater seemed to dim my thoughts as well. I didn’t think of anything but JJ’s tongue slowly exploring my mouth, hot against my own tongue, running along my teeth, licking the roof of my mouth. I was melting, softly moaning, as was he. I let go of the women's annoying glances, of my heartbreak, and I just let myself feel for the moment. It felt nice, kissing like this, languid and slow. No timetable and no other option on the table but kissing. 

When the lights finally came on I felt JJ reluctantly pull away and I blinked. My lips still wanted more.

Dizziness overtook me for a moment as I shifted off JJ and tried to gather myself. I grabbed the hand he held out and felt myself sway a bit when I stood. Arms around my waist steadied me until I nodded, “I’m good.” Smiling back, JJ then bent to pick up our empty tray and bucket of half-finished popcorn. I followed him down the stairs, still holding his hand. Once he had thrown away the trash he draped his arm over my shoulders and I wrapped mine around his waist. 

We ran into Kayla and Paige outside of the theater. 

“Good movie, eh?” JJ said as we approached.

“How would you know?” Paige muttered under her breath, glancing over at us. “You were sucking face the entire time.” 

JJ bent his head down towards her and winked. “Yeah, like I said, good movie.”

“Say, Yuri,” Kayla started, eyeing us carefully, “you know Beka is playing a show at Datcha this Saturday. I’m sure he’d love to see you again and catch up. You should come.”

My knees buckled a bit but JJ tightened his arm instantly, holding me up. “Sure, we’ll think about it,” he said for me, then quickly led us away from them.

When we reached the car JJ leaned me against it and stood in front of me, hands on my waist. “You okay, Yuri?”

My head fell against his chest and I exhaled. Arms wrapped around me. 

“Man, I hate her. I fucking hate her so much,” I breathed into JJ’s shirt. I wasn’t crying but I felt like all the energy had been drained out of me. “I’m just so tired of this.”

“I know,” JJ murmured. “Me too.”

He tightened his hold and my arms circled around him, clutching his jacket, burying my head deeper into his shirt. 

“I just feel so pathetic,” I said after another minute then shrugged out of his arms and turned, opening the car door. 

He closed my door as soon as I slipped inside but paused a moment before coming around to his side. Silence surrounded us on the drive back to my flat. JJ pulled up and cut the engine but neither of us moved.

“You really love him, don’t you.” JJ said quietly. 

I didn’t respond, just leaned my forehead against the cool glass of the window.

“Would you take him back?”

“Would you take back Izzy?”

He sighed, his hands still gripping the steering wheel. “In a heartbeat.”

“Well, then you know.”

After another moment, JJ spoke again. “What if we could? Get them back I mean.”

Turning my head slightly I frowned in confusion.

“What if we went to Beka’s gig, together? What if you showed him what he’s missing out on, just like you did for me at the salsa club? What if we made Beka and Izzy so crazy with jealousy they’d be fucking idiots not to come back?”

I considered for a moment. It hurt so much, not having Beka in my life. I just wanted to stop hurting like this, like Beka had taken my heart in his hand and instead of letting it go when he left, just kept squeezing it tighter and tighter the longer he was gone. I would do anything to not to feel like this anymore. 

I let out a bitter chuckle. “Do you think it would actually work? Izzy didn’t look like she was ready to run back into your arms at the salsa club.”

“Exactly. I know her. Pissing her off is my specialty. I know when I’ve pushed her buttons, and I know that mad as she was, she was probably more upset that I was dancing that way with someone _not_ her.”

Dancing _that_ way. The way he and I had danced. 

“So, what do you think? Want to continue being ‘boyfriends’ —” JJ indicated in air quotes “— until our knuckle-headed exes get their heads out of their asses and come back?”

The glass felt so cool on my skin as I turned again to look out the window. It eased the headache that was threatening to come. JJ was like the glass. Surprisingly, being around him eased the ache in my chest, even just a little. If I was going to be fake dating anyone JJ would be my first choice, now that I knew him better. Plus, it wasn't like I wanted to date anyone else, the one person I actually wanted to be with acting like an idiot for the time being. I shook my head at the irony.

“Well,” I said with a sigh, “what’s there to lose?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to get this chapter up for you @XMadamRoseX for Valentine's Day! I hope you enjoyed that nice little makeout session! XD I've been home sick, so blessing in disguise that I can get more writing done. Might be a little bit longer until I post the next chapter though (hopefully not too long!). 
> 
> And for the rest of you, I hope you enjoyed it too! You can always find me on tumblr [@suzewrites](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/) where I post about my writing process, share writing tips, ideas for new YOI stories, and the like. And I'm always open to asks about my writing!


	4. Quicksand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Come on, let’s go dance,” JJ took my hand and started towards the dance floor, but I was glued in place._
> 
> _“Jeh,” I could hear the panic in my voice._
> 
> _Eyes softening, JJ grabbed both my hands and brought them up to his chest, stepping close. Leaning his forehead against mine, voice low and quiet, he said, “Remember, at the salsa club? You told me to stay with you? To not look at Izzy, but to just dance.”_
> 
> _I nodded, transfixed by his blue eyes._
> 
> _“Stay with me, mon ange. That’s all we’re going to do. Just dance.” He kissed my hands, then leaned in and gave me a small but tender peck on my cheek. "Okay?"_
> 
> _He held my gaze a moment longer until I let out a breath._
> 
> _“Now,” blue eyes sparkled, taking on a mischievous gleam. “Let's go own this fucking dance floor.”_
> 
> ***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote Phichit's and Yuri's text convo while Yuri was in the lobby last chapter. It didn't really fit in the story but was too fun not to include as an extra! Check out their convo [here](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/post/171733596747/lobby-texts-between-yuri-and-phichit).
> 
> Here's a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/1267936889/playlist/7fMUgUunSD8fHJzUFSVOLa?si=kTZQMQItTJeBtxy25Rw4jw) of the music I imagine JJ and Yuri dancing to at the nightclub.
> 
> ***

I undid my braid in frustration, yanking the brush through my hair roughly. Tonight had to be perfect, and I was a complete disaster. My entire closet was strewn throughout my flat, and the only thing I had managed to accomplish was not slipping and killing myself in the shower. JJ was supposed to be here any minute and I was still in my underwear.

Right on cue, the doorbell rang and I swore and threw on a robe, winding my way through the disarray. Opening the door my stomach dropped. Then the flutters went absolutely berserk. JJ looked _hot_. Like, beyond hot. Dark gray, wide v-neck tee that looked buttery soft, draping perfectly over his body tucked into tight black jeans, hanging low on his hips, with black leather boots that came up just past his slim ankles. Leather jacket, sleeves pushed up. His hair disheveled _just so_ , and god… eyeliner. Just a bit, rimming his eyes, making his lashes look darker and his blue eyes brighter. 

And here I was, hair a mess, in nothing but my robe and boxer briefs. I hurriedly wrapped the robe closed, those blue eyes widening just a bit as JJ saw me practically naked underneath. 

“Uh…” I stuttered.

JJ snickered and flashed a huge smile. “And hello to you too.”

He stepped around me, then looked at the catastrophe that was my flat. “Do we need a SWAT team in here? Looks like something exploded.”

Slamming the door shut, I launched myself headfirst onto the couch. “Argh! I don’t think I can do this Jeh,” I mumbled into the cushion. 

A moment passed, then a gentle hand rubbed my back. Turning my head I looked into those blue eyes, crinkling at the edges, JJ’s face soft as he knelt next to me. 

“We don’t have to go, Yuré.” 

Turning my face back into the cushion I groaned, because I really didn’t want to back out and let fucking _Kayla_ get the better of me. But also, there was something about the way JJ had started saying my name with his French accent. I liked it, and wished I didn’t.

I kicked my feet in frustration and yelled into the pillow. JJ laughed.

“No, no. We should go. I mean look at you,” head still face down in the cushion, I waved my arm in his general direction, “you look hot. We shouldn’t waste it.”

“You think I look hot?”

“Ugh,” I pushed myself off the couch and sat up, “you know you do, bastard.”

JJ beamed at me. Then he stood and pulled out his phone. “Perhaps it’s time to call in reinforcements.”

As he wandered down the hall to my bedroom, I shouted, “You aren’t calling Chris, are you? I don’t want that manwhore anywhere near my wardrobe!”

Chuckling, JJ didn’t answer. I could hear him talking and laughing with someone, though I couldn’t hear what he was saying.

I threw my head back on the couch. What was I doing? Sure, I wanted to show Beka’s bitch of a girlfriend that I wasn’t intimidated by her, and showing up with someone as gorgeous as JJ on my arm would really get people talking. But seeing Beka again… I hadn’t seen or heard from him in over a month, after his “we can still be friends if you want” bullshit speech. Was I really ready for this?

JJ emerged from my room with a mischievous smile. 

“Who did you call?” I eyed him suspiciously.

“You’ll see,” he winked back. He sat down next to me and tried to yank me into a headlock. Batting his arm away I launched myself at him — fair play — trying to pin him down. 

“Whoa, whoa, not the hair!” he cried as we wrestled for a minute on the couch, laughing like teenagers. JJ finally succeeded in pulling my head down onto his lap and held me tight, until I called uncle. We were panting and laughing when the doorbell rang again.

JJ bounded over. A petite woman slightly older than JJ, hair and skin the same dark coloring, pushed her way past him with a small rolling suitcase behind her. I was still smiling, and trying to catch my breath, but instantly sobered as she walked up to me, arms crossed, surveying. 

“Sister, boyfriend. Boyfriend, sister.” JJ pointed at each of us in turn.

“ _Fake_ boyfriend,” his sister and I corrected.

She nodded at me with wary approval.

“Lou.”

“Yuri.”

Reaching a hand to shake her extended one, I was instantly pulled up and dragged back to down the hall. She grabbed a few things off the floor on our way. Laughing, JJ sat back on my couch and turned on my Xbox. “Have fun!” he called back.

Lou sat me down in my bathroom, crossed her arms again and glared down at me.

“So you’re the guy Jean told me about, who danced with him when Izzy decided to show her slutty face at Salsathèque?”

“Yes?”

“Hmph.” She turned on her heel and started examining the piles of clothes in my room, pulling out several pieces before analyzing them, discarding most back on the floor. She was making a bigger mess than I had.

“He won’t shut up about you, you know. Keeps calling you _‘mon ange’_ — my angel,” she clarified when I raised a questioning eyebrow. She continued, as she threw various pieces of clothing over my shoulder, “And you two idiots decided it was a fucking brilliant idea to pretend you are dating to get your exes back?”

I blinked. She was so blunt it took me by surprise. Her assessment was scathing. Her tone derisive. I absolutely loved her.

And she was right. This was a completely stupid idea. I had no idea how to reply, simply shrugging my shoulders. Lou then stopped for a moment and put a hand on my shoulder.

“This ex of yours. You really love him that much?” her tone was suddenly soft, and reminded me so much of JJ when he was quiet and comforting, it threatened to undo me right then and there.

My gaze lowered to the floor and I took a few deep breaths trying to steady myself. “Like you said, I’m an idiot.”

To herself she muttered, “First Jean, now you too?” Then her fingers were under my chin, lifting my face, examining. “Alright, well at least I’ve got a beautiful canvas to work with. Not like that idiot out there.” Her eyes indicated my living room, and then smirked at me. “What? You don’t think my brother looks that good on his own, do you? If it wasn’t for me, he’d look like a complete _toton_.”

Assessing again, she held up a jacket and top that she finally seemed pleased with. “ _Cheri_ , I’m going to make you look so hot, your ex will come in his pants when he sees you.” I sputtered, but couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out. Abso-fucking-lutely _loved_ her.

Twenty minutes later Lou was finishing with the last touches, smoothing down the lapel on my jacket. She had grabbed things I never would have thought of putting together for my outfit. Red skinny pants that had just enough of a shimmer — and that I'd only ever worn once — paired with my black quilted heeled booties. A forgotten sequin tank with a subtle tiger striped pattern of silver and gold, topped with my gray and black leopard print jacket with a black velvet lapel. Half of my hair was up in a braid that wrapped around the side of my head and fastened with a knotted pony tail in the back. Smoky purple eyeliner with black mascara, that made my eyes absolutely pop, completed the look.

I looked in the mirror, a bit stunned at myself. Lou winked at me. Then, her hand rested on my cheek, tilting my face down so she could look me straight in the eye. “Yuri, listen to me. You guys be careful, alright?” My brows furrowed a questioning look. “I mean, you seem sweet, and I’m glad Jean isn’t going through this alone, but just…” she took a breath, “just don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

She cleared her throat before I could respond, then pushed me out into the living room. JJ turned back, draping his arm over the back of the couch, his eyes widening. “ _Damn_.”

He came and stood next to me. In my heeled booties I was as tall as he was, and I could look right into those blue eyes. 

“You are definitely _not_ the scrawny kid I used to call princess,” he said in a low voice. 

My throat caught and we just stared at each other for a moment, when Lou finally gave a loud cough. 

“Alright kids, have fun, stay safe, be home at a reasonable hour.” She shuffled us towards the door.

JJ grabbed his sister in a bear hug. She made a face of disgust at him, then pushed him away. “Alright, alright. Get out of here dumbass.”

“Can I keep her?” I clasped my hands together and batted my eyelashes at JJ.

He shook his head laughing, and stepped outside. I followed but turned back to wave to Lou, who winked. She was an anchor there standing in my living room, and one that I wasn’t expecting. One that calmed me, but then had no problem shoving me out into the unknown. JJ held the door of the cab open for me, and winked as well. I took a deep breath in and got in. It was time for me to go show Beka that I was the one he really wanted.

In the cab on the way to the club I kept rubbing my hands on my pants to keep them from sweating. I didn’t realize my legs had been bouncing until JJ draped an arm over my knees, holding them still. He didn’t say anything, just smiled and brushed a stray hair out of my face.

The pulse of the music both felt like home and had my heart racing a million miles an hour as we stood outside the club. Colored lights streamed out from its doors, inviting people in, but I felt like I was about to be swallowed alive. I just stood and stared up at the building, until JJ whispered in my ear, “Just a performance, Yuré. Just like on the ice.”

Inside, JJ led me straight to the bar. “Vodka,” I said before he could ask. 

“Of course,” he chuckled.

Music poured from the dance floor in the next room. Just thinking that it was Beka making that music, and that he was so, so close, had me tightening my grip on JJ’s hand. The bartender put down our drinks and I downed mine quickly, then grabbed JJ's and downed it as well. Squeezing my hand, he simply ordered another couple of drinks. We remained silent, me keeping his hand locked in a death grip, JJ showing no indication of wanting to let go, thumb stroking lightly while we waited for our order.

Someone hugged me from behind, and I almost punched them, until I saw Phichit’s huge smile. My chest relaxed a bit seeing him here, even if he had Chris in tow.

“Hello, _mon cheris_ ,” Chris drawled, then put an arm around JJ, chatting away in French. Phichit pulled me aside. I was forced to let go of JJ’s hand, and it was like a lifeline had been cut.

“Have you seen him yet?” Phichit asked. 

I shook my head.

“Don’t worry. You look amazing. And JJ looks hot,” he raised his brows suggestively.

“Why am I friends with you?”

Phichit just giggled and hugged me again.

“I don’t know if I can do this Phich, I haven’t seen him since…”

Squeezing me tighter Phichit said, “Hey, you’ve totally got this, Yuri. Beka’s yours and you need to go get him back. Remind him that he walked out on this,” he pushed me back and waved his hands up and down my body. “Chris and I will be out there too. We’ve got you.”

JJ and Chris came over then, both smiling. Chris rather stupidly at Phichit, and JJ charmingly at me. Phichit gave me a thumbs up over his shoulder as Chris led him to the main floor. I gave him a weak smile in return. 

“Come on, let’s go dance,” JJ took my hand and started towards the dance floor, but I was glued in place.

“Jeh,” I could hear the panic in my voice. 

Eyes softening, JJ grabbed both my hands and brought them up to his chest, stepping close. Leaning his forehead against mine, his voice low and quiet, he said, “Remember, at the salsa club? You told me to stay with you? To not look at Izzy, but to just dance.”

I nodded, transfixed by his blue eyes. 

“Stay with me, _mon ange_. That’s all we’re going to do. Just dance.” He kissed my hands, then leaned in and gave me a small but tender peck on my cheek. “Okay?”

He held my gaze a moment longer until I let out a breath.

“Now,” blue eyes sparkled, taking on a mischievous gleam. “Let's go own this fucking dance floor.”

The floor was crowded, and I couldn’t see the DJ booth. Before I had a chance to really look though, JJ took me deep into the mass of people, pulling me up against him, draping my arms over his shoulders. Holding my hips loosely, he started rolling his body to the beat, encouraging me to follow. The beat was deep and pulsated through me, and I started to sync with the rhythm. And with JJ.

Like before, JJ led our dance, but in a different way. Instead of directing the steps, he was directing our rhythm. He held me close, matching his body to mine. And as each song melded into the next, our bodies melded more and more into each other. Dancing with JJ was just so easy. So natural. Before long I was completely falling into the movement that was us.

He turned me and pulled me back up against him. Feeling him behind me, surrounding me, hands slowly roaming my body, the world started to melt away. I was becoming lost in the music, lost in our bodies moving as one.

Arms tightened, tugging me closer. Breath tickled along my neck, and I could feel JJ's lips barely skimming the surface. Leaning my head back on his shoulder, my eyes fluttered closed. Kisses pressed softly along my skin. Turning to the touch I opened my eyes. JJ was staring at my mouth. I stared back. There was nothing around me but him, and I completely forgot where I was, why I was here. 

I watched tongue skim lightly over lips, and lips move closer by a breath. It was the only push I needed. My lips met his and parted, letting his tongue dip inside. That tongue was intoxicating as it swirled around mine. I could lose myself on JJ's tongue and just forget everything. The world. My worry. My pain. My hand came back around his head as we kissed and moved to the music. My gut tightened as lips trailed to my jaw, kissing back down my neck. 

I felt drunk as my eyes opened, unfocused and hazy, looking out into the crowd. The sea of bodies swayed, then opened enough so I could see straight ahead. Suddenly, everything was in sharp focus. There he was. Beka. Staring back at me from the DJ booth, eyes wide, not moving a muscle. Headphones stopped halfway to his ears. And behind me, JJ was kissing and licking my neck, arms wrapped around me, hands moving over my chest. My heart completely stopped.

What _the fuck_ was I doing? I had been kissing JJ and Beka had seen it. Beka just kept staring at me, standing completely still. The lights pulsed around us. The music thrummed. I wanted to scream above it all. Don’t believe it! I don’t want to kiss him, I want to kiss you! JJ instantly stilled when he felt me tense up. Then he looked over and saw Beka as well. 

Before either of us could react Kayla was next to us shouting.

“Yuri, I’m so glad you came!” she yelled up.

She looked over to Beka’s motionless form and waved to get his attention. He refocused on her, and my heart sped back up. Beckoning to him, Kayla grabbed my wrist, leading me back to the bar area. She swayed, carefree to the beat as she walked, while I was trudging behind like a zombie. JJ caught up and put his hands on my waist. They felt like an iron trap.

“Whew,” she said as she found a booth and we all sat down. “Beka should be on a break soon. I’m so glad you came!”

JJ and I were silent as she continued chatting, “Paige is here too, you remember her, from the movie?”

I could care less about Kayla and her stupid friend. I just stared at her blankly. JJ’s arm around my shoulders felt like the weight of a thousand arms. His hand rubbing my shoulder softly, like a thousand knives.

Then, Beka was there, sliding into the booth next to Kayla.

“Yura,” he said thickly, not taking his eyes from me. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“We ran into Kayla here at the movies last week. She told us you were playing a show, so we thought we’d come and say hi,” JJ replied for me. 

Beka finally looked at JJ, and then at JJ’s arm draped over my shoulders. I wanted to push that arm off, push JJ away, so Beka would know I was still only available for him.

But then Kayla snuggled into Beka and I pulled JJ’s arm around me tighter, lacing my hand in his. Reading my signal, JJ pressed a small kiss into my hair.

“Jean, good to see you. I’m, uh, surprised to see you two together.” 

JJ laughed, “Oh, come on Beks. You know what a huge crush I’ve had on Yuri all these years. The stars finally aligned it seems.” He unlaced our hands, stroking the back of his fingers down my neck. Against my will, chills sprung up beneath his touch. “He’s not such a tough tiger after all, once I discovered what made him purr.” 

Beka and Kayla’s eyes both widened at that, and I wanted to punch JJ, remembering why I thought he was an ass for all those years. I turned to him, growling slightly, which only made him laugh again. He then leaned in and planted a wet kiss on my mouth, licking at my lips before pulling away.

I could see the shock on Beka’s face, and I knew I should play along. This was what I wanted after all. For Beka to go crazy seeing me with someone else.

But I was going to throw up if I felt JJ’s hands on me a second longer. I excused myself to the restroom, and hurried out of the booth. 

Leaning against the counter I grabbed some towels, doused them in cold water and draped them on the back on my neck. I wanted to cry. To scream. To break the mirror, watch it fall into a million pieces. Instead, I closed my eyes and focused on breathing.

“Yura?” I turned around, looking straight into Beka’s face, etched with concern. 

Brown eyes. Not that idiot's fucking blue eyes. But brown, deep brown. The eyes I’d been wanting to look at me, just that way, the way he was looking at me now. The eyes that I’d missed so badly. 

I launched myself into his arms. “Oh, Beka,” I cried hoarsely.

He held me while I cried, arms gently rubbing my back. Then he sighed, “What are you doing? With JJ? Why are you with him?”

“I’m not,” I sobbed, tightening my grip on him. “I’m not with him, really.”

He hummed. Then, barely there, his lips brushed my hair.

Electricity shot through me. And hope. I turned, pulling his head to me, “Beka, please.”

For the briefest moment our lips touched. Immediately, he pushed me away. “No Yura,” he said softly.

“But Beka,” I tried to pull him to me again.

“ _No_.” he said firmly and moved out of my reach. I slumped against the counter. Beka exhaled.

“I still care about you, Yura. But I don’t feel that way about you anymore.”

“Why not, Beka? Just… why?” 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. The distance. Time. We just grew apart.”

No, _you_ grew apart. I was still there. I’m still here. Beka, can’t you see that? I’ll always be here. Always. 

“I still care. I always will. Just, not like that,” he said finally. 

I covered my face with my hands and felt hot tears fall into them. _Stop_ it. Stop letting him hurt you. Stop letting him see you cry. I clenched my jaw, and willed the tears to stop. 

He fucking cared. He fucking _cared_? He fucking didn’t give a shit about me at all. Anger started to prickle under my skin, ready to boil over.

“If you don’t feel _that way_ about me,” I ground out, dropping my hands into fists at my side, “then why the hell would you care whether or not I’m with JJ?”

“It’s not that. You can date whoever you want. I want you to date. I want you to be happy. But you just always hated JJ.”

“If you wanted me to be happy, you wouldn’t have left. I _was_ happy.” My voice rose to a fever pitch, “I was fucking deliriously happy until you hooked up with that slut!” 

The door banged open just as Beka’s fist connected with my face.

“I don’t hate JJ, I fucking hate _YOU_!” I yelled after Beka, as he shoved JJ hard against the door and stormed out of the restroom.

JJ was kneeling down next to me hands gently cupping my head. I didn’t even realize I was on the floor. He pulled me up, brushing the hair out of my eyes, and began wetting a towel. Looking in the mirror I started wiping at the black streaks of makeup my tears had left down my face. 

“Here,” JJ cleaned me up gently with the towel. I winced. My eye stung and was starting to blacken under the red puffiness. 

“Shit, he got you good.” Fingers brushed lightly against my cheek. “Listen, Yuré, I’m sorry. I know I was acting like an ass again. I was just trying to get under Beka’s skin. I didn’t mean for you guys to end up in a fight.”

I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t that, Jeh. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to go.”

Sighing and nodding, JJ led me out of the bathroom, back through the club. I followed numbly behind and didn’t even realize we were outside until JJ was pulling me down into a cab. I slid up next to him, and laid my head on his shoulder, nuzzling against his neck. The adrenaline had faded from my body and I felt like I could tumble over the edge of sanity at any minute. JJ’s arms wrapped around me and I pulled them tighter, their familiar comfort the only thing keeping me from being swallowed by the pit I stood next to, a pit that was threatening to swallow me whole.

A hand tugged me out of the cab and I was stumbling through the front door, then brought to the kitchen. JJ opened the fridge and pulled out a tray. Ice clattered in the sink. Looking around, things seemed odd. Dark wood cabinets, granite counter tops. Soft blue walls. I shook my head and groaned in confusion.

“We’re at my place,” JJ stated simply, as he placed an ice pack up to my eye. He didn’t say anything else. Didn’t pester me for what happened. He just held the ice to my face, shifting it a bit when it started to melt. 

I looked back at him, into blue eyes, a slight crease between his brows from his concerned look, dark hair falling around them. Blue eyes, not brown. But blue eyes could offer escape from the pain.

Moving a step closer, rearranging the ice pack again, JJ swept my hair back over my shoulder, his knuckles brushing my neck. I shivered, and that did it.

I grabbed his jacket with both hands and pulled him to my mouth. He stumbled forward a little, ice pack dropping with a smack on the floor. I caught him, then pushed him back against the fridge. His lips naturally parted and I ravaged his mouth. My hands roamed over his face, his arms, his chest, I just wanted to feel as much of him as I could. And forget everything about Beka.

Leaving his mouth, I sucked and bit my way under his jaw and down his neck. JJ’s head fell back against the fridge door with a loud thud and he was panting, trying to talk. “Wait, Yur—”

I wouldn’t let him speak. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I didn’t want to hear him tell me to stop, or that this wasn’t a good idea. I slipped my hands under his shirt and grabbed at the muscles in his back. He bucked into me with a gasp as I dug my fingernails into him. That’s it. More, give me more. I pressed my hips further into his, circling slowly once, twice, a third time.

A low growl, then JJ grabbed my hair, and yanked my head back, angling it so that he could kiss me deeper, and I gladly let him. His other hand found my ass, squeezing hard, pulling me flush against him.

The hard outline of his cock against my hip finally sent me over that edge, and I was falling into the pit, completely swallowed up. I wouldn’t be able to find my way out if I tried, and I didn’t want to try anymore. Rolling my hips, I ground into him over and over, our kisses nothing but wet tongues fighting for dominance. We held each other so tight I could barely breathe, but it wasn’t close enough.

Both of us growling and gasping, clothes quickly being stripped off, we pushed and pulled our way out of the kitchen. I heard the crash of glass, and the loud bang of something falling to the hard floor, but they were all just distant sounds in my mind. The only sounds I cared about were the deep moans coming from JJ’s throat, entering my own.

Stumbling our way through the dark hall we reached what must have been his bedroom, though JJ didn’t bother with the lights. I felt cold on my bare back, as JJ's naked body pressed me hard against a wall. Feeling nothing but his skin on mine felt incredible, and I couldn’t get enough of it. I could see the bed over his shoulder, but I didn’t think we were going to make it. JJ kicked my legs apart, pulling my hands up above my head, lacing his fingers in them, and ground against me, hard. I let out a loud moan, feeling our cocks rub together, dry and rough, the friction bringing sparks to my eyes. Every inch of his body was flush against me, and he was licking and biting my shoulder, my neck, my ear.

Releasing a hand, he covered my mouth. “Lick,” he commanded. I slathered my tongue all along his palm until it was covered in saliva. Watching me, his eyes wild and so very dark, I could see my reflection in them, mirroring his desire. Then he took both our cocks in his grip, and started to stroke, each stroke faster and harder. My arm reached around his back holding him as close as I could, pumping my hips into his fist. 

We were slick with sweat, panting and moaning loudly. My leg wrapped around him, trying to get more leverage, his other hand digging into my ass again, pulling me tight against him. We were completely entwined, the wall hard behind me and JJ hard in front. Hips slid together faster and faster until it was almost unbearable. Biting my shoulder to muffle his scream, JJ released against my stomach. Feeling his hot come on my body, I threw my head back, letting out my own cry as I saw nothing but bright white for what seemed like an eternity. 

Sliding down the wall we remained tangled up in a sweaty, panting heap on his floor. Foreheads pressed together, our breathing slowed bit by bit as the minutes passed. We sat there until the sweat started to chill my body, covering me with goosebumps. 

JJ unwound himself and moved away. I felt even colder at the loss of contact but heard the rush of water start, and before long was pulled into the shower with him. He soaped us down quickly, but then just let the water flow over us as he bent his mouth back to mine, and we kissed, deep and unhurried under its stream. My arms draped around his neck, running my hands slowly over the back of his shoulders, and up into his hair. His hands lazily moved up and down my back, barely skimming my ass. 

The water cooled, but I was heating back up. We dried off and JJ laid me down on his bed, leaning over me, brushing his hand through my damp hair, his cock hardening again against my thigh. I brushed fingers over his lips. My mind was completely empty, but my body still craved. 

Feeling JJ's heat above me, my body lifted as he met me for another kiss. I was completely lost in him, and I knew neither of us would be getting any sleep tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Yuri and JJ now have nicknames for each other! Yuri pronounces the "J" in Jeh, like the 'zh' in Zhivago, or the 's' in measure. And JJ pronounces Yuré like yoo-rey, while rolling the 'r'. I don't know if that's a real way of saying it, but hell! Who cares!
> 
> Lou (short for Louise, cause she needs a French name, duh!), calls JJ a _toton_ , which means boob/idiot in French Canadian — it doesn't translate over directly in French.
> 
> Here is how I imagine Lou doing [Yuri's hair](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/449937819016251118/).
> 
> Song I imagined for when things _go down_ with JJ and Yuri is ["It's Going Down" by Whissell.](https://open.spotify.com/track/6zbyxUgbu0QuPUVNtZFnnV?si=UdBD8ey2RAiTY40LsKemmQ) Sexy.
> 
> And the theme for this chapter was inspired by the song ["Quicksand" also by Whissell.](https://open.spotify.com/track/6VHe8bmw5CIkg8XC33fng1?si=oVGFG4a-Rwyqifen_0RMbQ) In fact, just go listen to her whole album, "Old Souls, Young Bodies." It's amazing!
> 
> Lots going on in this chapter (and lots of sexy times!), so I hope you guys enjoyed it! Things will only get more wild from here. Ah!!!
> 
> You can always find me on tumblr [@suzewrites](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/) where I post about my writing process, share writing tips, ideas for new YOI stories, and the like. And I'm always open to asks about my writing!


	5. Cold Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Fucking hell, what came over me last night? Looking in the mirror, my eye was puffy and black, almost swollen shut. I was having a hard time focusing, and my head was killing me. It was a reminder that any chance that Beka would come around was lost forever, that strand of hope severed as soon as the word “slut” left my mouth. Not that I regretted it. Fuck Beka. Let him have his slut girlfriend._
> 
> _And then there was JJ._
> 
> _Remembering his body surrounding mine, my skin on his, seeing the scattering of bruises over my chest, my hips, my legs, where JJ’s mouth had bit and sucked, had my cock twitching. My body pulled at me despite the pain, wanting to lose itself in that numbing bliss again, begging me to crawl right back into JJ’s bed, kiss him awake and pick up where we’d left off before exhaustion had finally overtaken us._
> 
> _I really needed to get the hell out of here._
> 
> ***

After a fitful couple hours of sleep I woke up, feeling disoriented. Even before I opened my eyes I knew I was not where I was supposed to be. My body was tangled up in something. Not something. _Someone._ Fuck. I remembered exactly where I was, and it wasn’t good.

I opened my eyes and there, head resting snugly on my chest, was JJ. My traitorous arms cradled him. Our legs intertwined. How in god’s name was I going to extract myself from this mess? It was a good ten minutes of me pondering my predicament when JJ started to shift. I used it to my advantage and turned around. Wrong move. Arms snaked around my waist and his face nestled between my shoulder blades, warm breath tickling. My body reveled in the touch, stomach tightening. His hands slowly roamed over my body, leaving delicious shivers in their wake and I swallowed a moan, but I could tell he wasn’t really awake. Gently, I moved his hands off me and finally slid out of bed. 

Quietly gathering my clothes from various parts of the flat, I made my way to the bathroom. _Fucking hell,_ what came over me last night? Looking in the mirror, my eye was puffy and black, almost swollen shut. I was having a hard time focusing, and my head was killing me. It was a reminder that any chance that Beka would come around was lost forever, that strand of hope severed as soon as the word “slut” left my mouth. Not that I regretted it. Fuck Beka. Let him have his _slut_ girlfriend.

And then there was JJ.

I blew out a breath and shook my head. Stiff and sore, I could barely stand upright, my body still burning with the sensation of JJ’s cock inside me. I’d hardly given him the chance to stretch me before I descended on his dick, riding him for hours until we were both delirious, and then he’d followed it up by fucking me so hard into the mattress I was surprised the bed was still in one piece.

Remembering his body surrounding mine, my skin on his, seeing the scattering of bruises over my chest, my hips, my legs, where JJ’s mouth had bit and sucked, had my cock twitching. My body pulled at me despite the pain, wanting to lose itself in that numbing bliss again, begging me to crawl right back into JJ’s bed, kiss him awake and pick up where we’d left off before exhaustion had finally overtaken us. 

I really needed to get the hell out of here. 

Moving, however, was a problem. I was going to need some help getting home. Inhaling, I cursed under my breath. I knew who I needed to text but it killed me to do it. It only took a minute to receive a reply that they were on their way and I exhaled a sigh.

It took everything in me to get dressed, but eventually I was clothed and closing JJ’s apartment door behind me. He hadn’t woken up, thank fuck, and I slowly made my way out of the building down to the street to wait for my ride. It was still dark out but the sky was changing into morning twilight. The sun had just started to illuminate the sky when the car pulled up. I sat down gingerly in the front seat, knowing I was going to have to explain myself.

Yuuri didn’t say anything, though he couldn’t quite hide his surprise when he saw my swollen and blackened face. Quiet expectation filled the space, and I tried to think of how to start. 

“Why don’t you tell me how you got that black eye?” Yuuri supplied, as if he could tell what I had been thinking.

A bitter chuckle and a sigh. “Beka punched me when I called his girlfriend a slut.” Yuuri’s eyebrows shot up, though he didn’t look at me, staying focused on the road. “I went to see his show with JJ last night,” I continued. 

Humming in understanding, Yuuri said, “And I’m assuming that it was JJ’s place I picked you up from?”

“Yeah.”

After a minute and an uncomfortable cough, “Were you guys safe?” 

I rolled my eyes internally and almost laughed, picturing the amount of condom wrappers that littered JJ’s floor. “Yes, _mom._ ”

Yuuri tried, and failed, to suppress his small smile. He loved it when I called him that, even when it was sarcastic. “You have practice scheduled for this morning, don’t you?”

I puffed out a breath and winced as I shifted a bit in my seat, “Uh-huh.”

“Alright. Obviously, you’re in no state to practice,” he darted a glance my way, shaking his head slightly with a sigh. “Don’t worry about Victor, I’ll talk to him.” 

Groaning at the prospect of Victor finding out what happened I slumped in my seat, making me wince again. But I would rather Yuuri be the one to tell him instead of me. I knew I was being a cowardly little shit, pushing this off on him, but Yuuri reached over and put a hand on my knee and squeezed. 

“Thanks.” 

Back at home Yuuri helped get me in the tub to soak, then I heard him head to the the kitchen. I expected to find my flat still a disaster zone, but apparently Lou had put all my clothes away. Guilt gnawed at me. She had emphatically told me not to do anything stupid. Well, way to go Yuri, the list of stupid things you did last night was about a mile long. Pretend to be JJ’s boyfriend. Check. Go to Beka’s show. Check. Make out with JJ on the dance floor. Try to kiss Beka, then insult his girlfriend. Spend all night having mind-numbing sex with JJ. Check, check, check.

Yuuri was talking quietly when I shuffled out towards the kitchen after my bath.

“We haven’t been there for him like we should have,” he was saying into his phone, shouldering it as he held a knife to a radish in his hand. A pause, then sharply, “Well, I don’t care what Yakov did or didn’t do. It’s our responsibility to do better.”

Great. Of course Yuuri and Victor would analyze everything that happened between Beka and me, and then probably try to offer me some bullshit advice. I knew I shouldn’t have texted Yuuri. Now I’d never hear the end of it. I was about to waltz in, grab the phone and tell them both to fuck off, when I saw Yuuri place the radish, carved into a little rosette, down on a plate. My heart gave a squeeze and I stopped in my tracks.

After another long pause Yuuri let out an irritated sigh, “You know what Vitya, I gotta go.” He picked up another radish. “But we aren’t finished talking about this.” 

Yuuri chucked his phone on the counter with a small grunt and returned to his breakfast preparation. From the kitchen’s doorway I watched him chop vegetables into cute little shapes and felt homesick. For my real home. For Saint Petersburg. 

When Yuuri had left Japan and first moved in with Victor to join us in training there he always brought me cute little bento boxes filled with all the fun-shaped foods he made. No matter what a brat I was to him back then he never failed to bring them to me. It had even gotten to the point where my grandpa joined in the tradition as well and they often swapped recipes, my lunches consisting of both Russian and Japanese foods cut and arranged in that special way that made eating a little more joyful.

Now, seeing Yuuri finish the last touches of my breakfast, scooping perfectly fried eggs over a bed of finely chopped kale, surrounded by rose florets and cat faces made from radishes and cucumbers, I felt my eyes prickling. I sniffed back the tears. Hearing me, Yuuri turned his head.

“Look!” He presented the plate with such an adorable, bright-eyed smile that I couldn’t help but smile in return. “It’s been awhile, but I thought it would cheer you up.”

Walking up behind him I laid my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his waist. Yuuri stiffened for a moment, startled at my sudden show of affection, but then wrapped his arms over mine and squeezed. We stayed like that for a moment before he said, “Come, get some food in you.”

I sat down across from him at my breakfast counter, admiring each piece of food before eating it delicately. Yuuri’s gaze turned more serious. 

“You’re not off the hook you know Yu-chan, with practice. You’ll be joining me this afternoon instead.”

“Joining you where?” I asked, not liking this turn of events.

“At the studio. I’ve been thinking that you can help with some of my students. There's a few that I'd like to have participate in the show, but they need someone to help them with the extra training.”

He said it as if, duh, me training up his ballet students to take part of a professional ice show was just a simple as sweeping up the floors in the studio. I sat shocked, blinking dumbly at him. Me? _Teach_?

Dismayed, I stammered out, “What? But Yuuri, I don’t know how to teach! I mean haven’t ever taught anything before!”

“Sure you have. You taught me how to do a quad salchow, remember?” he picked up a radish, popped it in his mouth and winked.

Rolling my eyes at him, I said, “That doesn’t count. That was a million years ago. Plus, you already knew how to do it, you were just too googly-eyed over Victor to do it in front of him.”

It was his turn to roll his eyes. “You’ve been professionally trained in ballet since you were how old? And by some of the top ballerinas in the world. I think you know enough to help a few 12-year-olds with some technique.” 

I was about to protest some more when he held up a hand. “The matter is closed.”

Sulking, I went back to my breakfast. My phone chimed then and Yuuri arched an eyebrow as a text from JJ popped up, but I just flipped my phone over and tried to ignore his scrutinizing gaze. Dread started building inside me as I thought about Yuuri's request. Between dealing with Beka, and now JJ, worrying about teaching some snot-nosed kids was the last thing I needed on my plate. 

I dared a glance at Yuuri as he began cleaning up the kitchen and the hard line of his mouth let me know that there was no way I was going to worm my way out of this. Yes, texting him this morning for help was definitely going to bite me in the ass.

* * *

_JJ 7:03 AM  
>> Hey, sorry I missed you before you left. You probably had practice. Text me after?_

_JJ 8:31 AM  
>> Hey again, I’m sorry if you felt things went too far last night. I didn’t mean to take advantage, and I hope you aren’t mad. Text me, let’s chat, okay?_

_JJ 9:10 AM  
>> Though, just so you know, I did have a really great time with you last night. I didn’t want to you think that I didn’t enjoy it, or anything like that. You were really great actually. I mean, it was great. More than great. It was probably one of the most amazing nights I’ve had. Like, really, really amazing. I hope it was for you too. But I’m okay with it being a one-time thing if you don’t want things to go that way, I totally get it and that’s fine too. Okay, I’m going to stop babbling now. Lol. _

_JJ 9:45 AM  
>> I know I texted you already a bunch this morning, but seriously, I’m okay with however you want to go about last night. We can totally forget it happened. It doesn’t have to mean anything at all. Unless you want it to. Just please text me back?_

_JJ 11:21 AM  
>> Okay, so looks like you don’t want to talk about last night since you aren’t texting me back. Let’s just forget the whole thing happened, and go back to how things were before. Cause I really just like hanging out with you and all and I didn’t mean to scare you away. Please don’t leave me hanging. 八(＾□＾*)_

_JJ 1:54 PM_  
_> > Btw I have a couple of tickets to the Habs hockey game tomorrow night. Lou will be there too, if you want to join us. No exes, no pretending to be anything. Just hanging out and having fun. ;P_  
_> > If hockey's not your thing, no worries, but either way, please just text me back, ok?_

I sighed as I read the string of texts while I sat in Yuuri’s studio, waiting as his students started filtering in. I wished I could forget last night completely, but every time my phone chimed those flutters in my stomach started up, reminding me of how incredible JJ was in bed — though I should have known from the way he danced and the way he kissed. Damn it.

Part of me wanted to text JJ back and tell him he was the worst lay I’d ever had and to just leave me the fuck alone. Of course, that would be a lie. With each text came a rush of memory. Ping. The feeling of his hands moving slowly over my body. Ping. His gorgeous full mouth kissing and licking its way down my chest, abs, and lower. Ping. The burning look in his eyes, his hot breath on my face, as we both climbed to yet another climax. 

Yuuri plucked my phone out of my hand. “No phones during class time.” 

I quickly grabbed it back and groused. “Fine, no problem,” making a show of silencing it and tucking it away in my bag. Yuuri nodded in approval.

The students lined up at the barre waiting for Yuuri to start the class, but they were eyeing me carefully as I huddled in the corner, arms wrapped around myself, head down and scowling. I had no clue what I was going to do with them as Yuuri introduced me and named the students I'd be working with.

Two boys, Liam and Michael, looked completely terrified that they had been selected. The girl, Alice, that was chosen on the other hand, looked me up and down and rolled her eyes, letting out a scoff. Perfect. Seemed I was going to have to deal with pre-teen attitude as well. I grunted at them and they followed me slowly to another studio across the hall.

“Alright,” I said brusquely, setting up the music for the routine they would be doing. “Before we get started I want to know what I’m working with. How long have you been practicing this routine?”

No one answered. They all just looked at the floor. 

“You,” the sandy-haired boy — Liam? — startled when I pointed to him. “How long?”

“Uh… I guess, like, a few weeks?” he shrugged, voice barely above a whisper.

“And how about on the ice?”

“We haven’t practiced on the ice yet.”

“What?” I had a sinking feeling. “But you guys have skated before, right?”

“Oh yeah, we’ve been skating for like, months now.” the boy said, perking up.

 _Months_? What the hell Yuuri? After interrogating the kid a bit more I discovered that they’d all been in ballet for only about a year and had just been skating for the past few months, taking lessons from Phichit. 

I started up the music and had them run through the routine. As I feared, they were dreadful. I couldn’t believe that Yuuri thought they would be able to skate in the show, even just as part of the ensemble. I didn’t even know where to start with them, so I started the only place I could, with the basics, working them at the barre for a good hour. I had to correct _everything._

“No! You’re turning out from the knees, you need to turn out from your hips. Tuck you butt in, stop sticking it out like a damn duck. Don’t just point your toe, pull your heel back and let your foot arch.”

Before long the boys were sniffing back tears. But Alice? She wasn’t even trying to do anything that I instructed, barely going through the motions. 

“This is so dumb,” she rolled her eyes again. “Are you a even real ballet dancer?”

“ _Excuse me_?”

“I mean, Mr. Katsuki is a professional ballet instructor and has won tons of gold medals. Have _you_ ever won a gold medal?” She crossed her arms and tilted her head staring me down with a derisive look.

Oh, I had just about had it with this whole mess. I walked right up to Alice and drew up my full height so I towered over her. Tucking my finger under her chin, raising her face, I looked her dead in the eyes. 

“I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but I actually _beat_ Mr. Katsuki in the first competition we had together — I won gold, while he only got silver. And by the time I was your age, I'd already been training in ballet for _years_ , and had won gold for every competition I'd ever entered. The real question is, have _you_ won any gold medals? Because I can tell you right now, it’s pretty obvious that you haven’t. You’re going to be surrounded by the top figure skaters in the world in this ice show and it’s going to be glaringly obvious to the audience that you’re nothing but a spoiled little brat who doesn’t know how to skate.”

I dropped my hand and stepped back, waving at all of them. 

“Hundreds of people will be coming to see this ice show that _the_ Victor Nikiforov himself created, so I don’t know about you but I’d start working my ass off so that I’m not completely humiliated out there.”

Alice tried to maintain her tough demeanor but tears were glistening in her eyes, a few leaking out. The boys looked absolutely horrified and Michael burst into tears and ran out of the room, crying, “I don’t want to be humiliated!”

Then Alice yelled, “You’re so mean! I hate you and will never let you be my teacher!” and stomped out. 

Liam, being all alone with me, stood for a moment trembling, tears streaming down his face. Then he couldn’t take it anymore and rushed out.

The kids in their distress ran straight into Yuuri who was coming down the hall, almost bowling him over. All sobbing and talking a million miles an hour, they begged Yuuri to let them back in his class and not make them do the ice show. He soothed them and eventually their crying lessened, though sniffles could still be heard as they left the studio.

“So, that went well,” Yuuri frowned at me, standing in the doorway of the studio, arms crossed. I glowered back at his sarcastic tone.

“I don’t know what you expected, Yuuri. They are absolutely horrible. I’ve seen what Victor has been planning for the show. There’s no way that they could be ready for it. Why would you even want to put them in?”

“That wasn’t the point. I wanted to give them something to look forward to and have them work with someone they could look up to. Someone who could relate to what it was like to be a young competitor and who would give them some encouragement — not tear their confidence to shreds. I’m disappointed, Yu-chan.”

“Well, it’s not like you gave me a choice." I grabbed my bag and pushed my way past him. “Whatever, I'm so over you trying to fix my life."

Yuuri grabbed my arm with a firm grip, holding me in place, his voice stern, “First off Yu-chan, _you_ asked _me_ for help, if you remember. And second, I know you’re still upset about your breakup with Beka, and these last couple of months have been especially hard. He was part of your life for such a long time that it will take some time to heal, and you should give yourself the space to grieve what happened. But no matter how much you are hurting it’s not okay to take your pain out on others.”

“You know what? I don’t want to hear about Beka anymore. I don’t need to grieve or heal or any of that bullshit. I’m over him. He can go live his life with his new perfect girlfriend — I don’t give a shit.”

Wrenching my arm out of his grasp, I left the studio and ran to grab the passing metro home. Fuck Yuuri. Fuck Beka. Fuck this whole damn thing.

I just wanted to escape from everyone and everything. Whipping out my phone I was typing out a text, sending it to JJ before I could think about it too much.

_Me 4:43 PM  
<< Hey, sorry I didn’t text back earlier. When is the hockey game?_

_JJ 4:44 PM  
>> Hey! It starts at 5._

_> > So… are we cool? I’m sorry if things got weird._

_< < Yeah, it’s all good. I just want to hang out and watch guys beat each other up on the ice._

_> > Lol. Well, you’ve come to the right place! Want to come over before the game to have some food?_

Yes, my body begged, please yes. As long as it comes with a side of JJ. 

_< < Actually, I’ve got some stuff to do tomorrow before _ — boy, that excuse sounded lame, even to me — _stuff with Yuuri. He’s having me train some of his students for the ice show._ I ignored the prick of conscience at my lie.

_> > Oh, well that’s cool that he’s having you help out with the show. _

_< < Yeah, it’s alright, I guess. Kind of annoying. Meet you there?_

_> > Sure, okay. I can leave your ticket at will call._

_< < Ok, sounds good. See you tomorrow then._

_> > Yep. See you tomorrow._

I sighed, the tension in my chest loosening just a bit. Because despite it all, hanging out with JJ made my shitty life a bit more bearable. And it was just a hockey game. That would be fine. I could totally handle that. No dark movie theater. No seductive dance floor. It would be no problem. No problem at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is a little more of Yuri being a jerk, which he knows he can be at times. And he's brought a bit of the Lilia out in teaching - it's what he thinks of with training. Being super tough. Of course, we know that Yuuri is the complete opposite, and so his students aren't used to that at all. Though Yuri's also just a big meany sometimes.
> 
> Oh, and this is the responsible Yuuri I imagine - inspired by this [art by @keillattes](http://keilattes.tumblr.com/post/158284328143/you-tried-insp).
> 
> Anyway, the next chapter should be coming soon! Sorry this one took so long!
> 
> Find me on tumblr [@suzewrites](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/) where I post about my writing process, share writing tips, ideas for new YOI stories, and the like.


	6. Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You guys are totally missing everything!” Lou scolded us. “If you just wanted to flirt you should've had your date somewhere else.”_
> 
> _Both JJ and I turned red. Well, I did. It was hard to tell through JJ’s face paint. But he fidgeted in his seat, straightening and turning his attention back to the game._
> 
> _I leaned back in my seat. Although I didn’t know too much about hockey, it was fun to watch. We were cheering for the “Habs,” the nickname of the Montreal Canadiens, and I soon found myself getting into the energy of the game._
> 
> _Every time they scored Lou would pull me into a crazy hug, but with JJ any attempt at a hug just turned into an awkward high five or a side pat. Although we had previously been fairly touchy with one another, I now held back as much as possible. Touching had led to "things."_
> 
> ***

Pacing in front of the Will Call desk I checked my phone again. 5:39 PM. Man, I really couldn’t push this off too much longer. Of course, I’d arrived right at five and picked up my ticket no problem, but then I just couldn’t make it through the main doors.

Instead, I had snuck back to my car and almost driven home. Yet, something inside wouldn’t let me. Out of everyone right now, JJ was the only person I actually worried about disappointing. Part of me wanted to avoid him, avoid the flutters, that magnetic pull that always seemed to happen when I was near him. But another part of me really enjoyed being his friend. Spending time with him helped me forget about the crazy shit swirling around me. So, after arguing with myself for a good half hour in the car, I’d finally gotten myself back to the main gate.

I looked at my phone again. 5:46 PM.

Alright, just get in there Yuri. Go hang out. Don’t think about how every time you’ve hung out with JJ before you’ve either ended up making out or sleeping with him. Or both. That was only because things were out of your control. This is a well-lit hockey arena, and guys smashing into each other on the ice is the least romantic thing you could ever hope for. Plus, Lou will be there too. It will be fine.

Once inside the noise of the crowd, the cheers and jeers, the energy of the arena was invigorating. I was actually a little bummed that I had missed the first part of the game and hurried to find JJ and Lou.

And find them I did. Painted up in red and blue, each half of their face a color, wearing team jerseys, they were yelling something angrily. Lou looked like she was about to jump out of her seat and smash her way down to the ice. JJ actually pulled her back down by her shirt. Then he saw me, his angry face instantly turning into a huge smile as he waved me over.

“Yuré!”

When I approached though, that smile turned shy. Stuck between giving me a hug and patting me on the back, and he and I ended up in a sort of half-pat-hug. He elbowed Lou. She turned and grunted a hello, then did a double take. 

“Holy hell! Where’d you get that shiner?” She climbed over the seats to reach me, and grabbed my face, turning it so she could see it better. “You did something stupid, didn’t you?”

Oh, she had no idea. Biting my lip, I shrugged. 

“And where were you when this happened, huh?” she turned to JJ, shoving a finger in his chest.

He held up his hands and tried to back away from her. “ _Fichez-moi la paix!_ Don't worry about it.”

Lou tilted her head back, “What did I ever do to insult you, Lord, to give me this _ostie de colon_ for a brother?”

She sighed and rolled her eyes at us, pulling me down to sit next to her. “Well, if it doesn’t go down soon, you let me know. I can at least help you cover it up.”

Lou then turned her attention back to the game, for which I was grateful. JJ mouthed “Sorry,” and settled on my other side. 

“So, how did things go with the training today?”

“Huh?”

“For the show. With Yuuri’s kids.”

“Oh. Yeah.” I swallowed, looking down at my hands. I wasn’t about to let JJ know what happened yesterday. Although there was no way I was going back to Yuuri’s studio, I hadn’t exactly told Yuuri that. So _technically_ I was still working with them. At least, that's what I told myself. “Um, well, they’re really bad, actually. I don’t know how Yuuri expects me to help them. They’ve only been skating a few months!”

“Really?”

We kept chatting about the ice show for a while, leaning close so we could hear each other over the commotion around us. Lou was really getting into the game next to me, yelling at a ref or a coach or a player. Finally though, she was fed up.

“You guys are totally missing everything!” she scolded us. “If you just wanted to flirt you should've had your date somewhere else.”

Both JJ and I turned red. Well, I did. It was hard to tell through JJ’s face paint. But he fidgeted in his seat, straightening and turning his attention back to the game.

I leaned back in my seat. Although I didn’t know too much about hockey, it was fun to watch. Not just the game, but the spectators as well. We were cheering for the “Habs,” the nickname of the Montreal Canadiens, and I soon found myself getting into the energy of the game. Becoming indignant along with JJ and Lou when a flag got called on a Habs player — even though I had no idea what it meant — yelling when the goalie failed to block the other team from scoring, jumping to cheer when they made a goal. 

Every time they scored Lou would pull me into a crazy hug, but with JJ any attempt at a hug just turned into an awkward high five or a side pat. Although we had previously been fairly touchy with one another, I now held back as much as possible. Touching had led to _things_.

After a bit, a break was called so the ice could be resurfaced, as the players had torn it completely to shreds. JJ left to go to the restroom, leaving me alone with Lou.

She was silent for a moment, then turned her assessing gaze on me. “Okay, so what’s up with you two? You’re both acting all weird.”

“What are you talking about? Nothing’s up,” I said, avoiding her gaze, pulling out my phone to scroll randomly through my Instagram.

“Now I know something’s up.” She squinted at me, and I felt like she was trying to x-ray my head. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Then her eyes got wide. “Oh no, you guys didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?” I scoffed, hoping she would just drop this line of questioning.

“You guys fucked, didn’t you?”

“No!” I squeaked out, then cleared my throat. “No. Why would you think that?”

“Ah, shit! You totally did.” She sighed and shook her head, mumbling something under her breath in French. “Though, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, the way you two were making eyes at each other.”

“ _Making eyes_?” My eyebrows raised, and I chuckled at her terminology.

“Oh, you guys were eye-fucking each other so hard the other night, it was bound to happen.”

With Lou, I knew continuing to deny it wouldn't do any good. I sighed. “Well, it was just the one time. It won’t happen again.”

Lou barked out a laugh. “You keep telling yourself that, _cheri_.”

JJ came back and gave me another shy smile. I could feel Lou looking at us. Without the game going on, I didn’t want to be stuck making awkward conversation with him under Lou’s watchful eyes. Before he could sit, I shot up and said, “Hey, you guys want some food? I’m starving.”

“Beer!” Lou said immediately. “We need more beer. And Jean _loves_ those big pretzels.” She winked at me. I glared back.

JJ gave me a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry Yuré, you probably didn’t have anything after your training, did you?” He started to get up. “Here, I can go get you something.”

“No, no, you stay,” I pushed JJ back towards his seat. “I can go. Besides, you got the tickets.”

At the concession stand I was trying to decide between getting a big slice of pizza or just going whole hog and having a hot dog with the works. Man, off-season eating was the best.

“You’re with JJ aren’t you?”

I turned and was surprised to see a young woman standing next to me. 

“I’m here hanging out with him…” I said to her warily. “Who are you?”

“Oh, he’s a good friend of mine. But I’m surprised he’s with you, Yuri.”

“Uh, how do you know my name?”

“I keep track of all JJ’s competition. Good to know who he’s up against, so I can help him win. He depends on me, you know.”

I highly doubted that. She looked like an overgrown teenager that never got past the awkward phase. My height and lanky, she wore tall socks, shorts and a worn-looking track jacket that was zipped up high, its collar covering her neck. Long, carrot-colored hair was hanging in a thin braid.

“Uh…” I just looked at her.

“Of course, you want to date him, don’t you? I can tell.”

“What?”

“Well, I saw you guys go into Datcha together. You were holding his hand. And when you left with him you were holding his hand then, too.” Okay, this just kept getting weirder. What was it with JJ's fans? She got closer, and I took a step back. “You need to leave him alone. I’m going to do everything I can to help him this year, and that includes keeping distractions like you away from him. Besides, he’s going to totally beat you this season.”

“Look, I’m sure all you _JJ Girls_ are anxious to have him beat me. But I could care less what you think. Leave me alone and go bug him. I’m sure he’ll give you an autograph.”

“Oh, I don’t need an autograph,” she snorted a laugh, as if I had just told the world’s funniest joke, then turned to leave. “And you really shouldn’t eat this stuff you know. Not good for training. See you round.”

Bringing the food back, JJ cocked a brow at the perplexed look on my face. I handed off the beer and pretzels. “Man, you have some crazy-ass fans, Jeh.”

JJ and Lou immediately stilled. 

“What do you mean, Yuri?” Lou asked, frowning.

“Oh, just some crazy chick I met while I was getting the food. She didn’t want me hanging around you — told me I was distracting you. She knew who I was, too. And she saw us coming and going outside of the club on Friday. Weird, right?”

“What did she look like?” Lou demanded.

“Well, I guess kind of tall and lanky. Red hair. Awkward. And she had no fashion sense at all.”

JJ slumped down in his seat, hiding his face with his hand. “Shit.”

Lou put an arm around him and pulled his head close to hers. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. We can just leave, or we can call security.”

“What is it, what’s wrong?” I sat down too, suddenly nervous, looking at JJ. He looked completely miserable. Instinctively, I went to put a hand on his shoulder, but pulled back.

Lou looked at me, “Jean has had some problems with a fan. He put out a restraining order, but it only restricts her from being within a hundred meters of him. It can’t prevent her from going to public events like this though. But since she approached you, we should report it.”

“Wait, _that_ was your stalker?”

JJ looked at me and nodded. 

“I thought you said she wasn't that bad."

Lou gave JJ a look. “Hmph, he would say that. It _was_ bad. She's pretty much made Jean's life a living hell.”

“We need to do something,” I started to get up. “I’m going to go tell her to stay the hell away!” Lou grabbed my arm and held me down. 

“No, Yuri, that won’t help. Believe me, I’ve tried. Besides, she’s a slippery little bitch. You won’t be able to find her. Best thing is to report it. Jean?”

“Fine,” he said quietly.

Lou was on her phone almost before I could blink. After talking for a minute she passed the phone to JJ, who started explaining things to whoever was on the other line. Eventually, he hung up with a sigh.

“Do you want to leave?” Lou asked again, quietly.

“No. I want to be here, at a hockey game, enjoying myself with my sister and my friend without having to worry about shit like this. Why can’t she just leave me alone?” he said in frustration, slamming his fists down on the seat.

Lou tried to comfort JJ, but he shrugged her off. “I just want to watch the game.” 

The arena was loud around us but we all sat in silence. Though he said he wanted to watch the game JJ rarely looked up. The pull to touch him was almost unbearable yet I kept my hands on my legs, fingers digging in. I couldn’t help but sneak glances at him and eventually caught his eye.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay.” 

The small smile he gave said he didn’t really believe me.

Finally, security came over. There was a lot of grumbling from our surrounding seatmates as we three went over to talk with them, but they were pretty useless. They told us they had looked for the girl, but couldn’t find her and figured she’d already left. I wondered how much they’d bothered to actually look. Seemed that approaching me, a non-relative, didn’t count as violating her restraining order. JJ seemed to expect this dismal assessment. Lou just glared at them with tight lips. 

Once they left, JJ sighed and turned to Lou. “I’m ready to leave now.” 

She went and grabbed their things while I followed JJ out of the arena. His shoulders were slumped and he looked just as dejected as the night Izzy showed up at the salsa club. Perhaps this reminded him of his breakup with her. I don’t know why, but that really pissed me off. How could Izzy break up with him, leave him to deal with that nutcase alone?

As we made our way through the concession area Lou still looked agitated. “I want to talk to those security guys again. Perhaps they have her on a security tape talking to Yuri. We might be able to use that.”

“Lou, can we let it go? I just want to go home.”

But I was with Lou. That was a great idea. Maybe seeing the girl approach me would convince the authorities that she actually sought me out as a way to get to JJ. Who knew, but it was better than not doing anything.

“You know what, Lou,” I said, “why don’t you go do that? Jeh, I can take you home.”

JJ just shrugged in acquiescence. 

“Thanks, Yuri,” Lou said, giving my hand a squeeze, before scurrying away.

On the way to JJ’s flat I tried my best to cheer him up. “You know, Lou will get that video and I’m sure that will help.” I could tell it wasn’t working though. “It will work out.” I gave him an encouraging smile but JJ only looked away and stared out the window.

Back at his place JJ went to clean up, take off the face paint. I rummaged through his fridge, deciding to put together some sandwiches for us. After several minutes he came back out, his face a bit red from being scrubbed clean, and he had changed into a plain tee and joggers. My chest squeezed as I watched him head straight for his couch, sitting forward with his face in his hands. Bringing over the plate of sandwiches I sat next to him, scooting close.

“You should have something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” he said quietly. Running his hands through his hair he sat up and turned to me. “I’m sorry, Yuré, that you had to deal with her. She hasn’t shown up for several months now and I really thought I’d seen the last of her.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m worried about you. It’s going to be okay.”

He only shrugged.

It was so unnerving, seeing him this way. This JJ was so un-JJ-like. Vulnerable, scared. I couldn’t stop myself anymore and reached out for him. Cupping his cheek, I turned his face to me. He laid his hand on mine and looked at me with such sadness. It was different than how he looked that night Izzy was being her bitchy self. This was hopelessness. JJ Leroy, the arrogant, self-proclaimed “king,” looking utterly helpless. 

It broke something inside me. 

Looking into that sad sea of blue I leaned in and kissed him lightly. JJ kept his eyes on mine while our lips briefly met. He continued to watch me when I pulled back for a moment to give him a small smile before kissing him again, lingering just a bit longer. Then, cradling his face in both hands, his eyelashes fluttered against my cheeks as he closed his eyes, while I took his mouth with mine and really kissed him.

He released a shaky breath as I moved to press soft kisses on his cheeks and over his eyes. Letting go of my reservations to touch him, now I wanted nothing more than to kiss and hold him. Comfort. Soothe. Take away his worry. Let him know everything would be okay. Here, with me.

My kisses deepened and JJ was completely pliant in my hands. Taking me in, accepting each kiss eagerly with little moans. Each one shot through me, straight to my gut. He let me move him wherever I wanted to gain better access. Under his jaw, the side of his neck, the hollow of his throat. 

Soon I lifted his shirt off and pushed him gently back down on the sofa. There was nowhere my mouth wasn’t, peppering his body with tender kisses. My hands lightly tracing over his skin, listening to his breath hitch every so often when I hit a particularly sensitive spot. Moving back to his mouth, my hair curtaining around our faces, I found that delicious tongue of his and he whimpered slightly as I licked against it. Slowly I moved my hand down, lightly palming his cock, which twitched under my touch. 

It was like a dream, JJ's body under me this way, completely open to me. Touching him like this, hearing his soft gasps, the flutters in my stomach started turning into something… _else._ What that something was I didn’t know. But it was stronger. Deeper. I felt it build inside of me. And whatever it was, I wanted more. More than what we had done the other night. 

Yes, fucking JJ that night after the club was pretty fantastic. Hot, even. Some of the best sex I’d had. But for so much of it I was lost, chasing the high, and not wanting to think about anything else. And yes, for that moment it did make me forget about being hurt so much by Beka. But now, tonight? I found I wanted JJ in a way I’d never wanted Beka.

Stroking JJ through his pants a few times elicited more moans, reverberating under my mouth. Then moving my hand lower, I pressed a finger firmly against the thin fabric of his joggers and began circling around his entrance. He took a sharp inhale against my lips.

Stilling my hand, I pulled back slightly. JJ’s eyes were wide. Not with trepidation. But with desire. Brushing his hair back, my finger trailed down his cheek, “Do you want me to stop?” 

He turned into my palm and actually _blushed_. “I, um… I’ve never done it this way before.” Then, closing his eyes, he nuzzled his face into my hand. “But don’t stop.”

Leading my hand down to his pants to further show his approval, he started pushing them down. I agreed, it was high time we got rid of our clothes. I pulled JJ’s pants off the rest of the way, bending back down to kiss his hip while I slipped off his boxers. He looked at me and gave me a shy smile. Standing, I began removing my own clothes, pulling off each item slowly and tossing it aside. JJ's gaze turned from shy to hungry.

“The side table,” he indicated with a nod of his head after I had stripped down, “down below, in the basket.”

Of course, JJ would keep supplies near the couch. I quirked an eyebrow, and he gave me a sly grin. Opening the basket, I took out the lube, forgoing a condom. If this was his first time I wouldn't enter him tonight. There was _plenty_ I could help him feel with just my fingers. 

Kneeling back down I looked at him sprawled back on the sofa under me, one leg dangling off the side, his arms draped over his head. He was so enticing like that, relaxed, open, looking up at me warmly with half-lidded eyes. Never in a million years would I have imagined being in this scenario. JJ Leroy, the grating rival, the constant pebble in my shoe, here, ready and waiting to be taken, by _me_.

I opened the bottle, pouring some lube on my fingers, but as JJ watched me warm it up he bit his lip and tensed.

Winking and bending down to give him a soft kiss, I whispered against his lips, “Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of you, _princess_.” 

He chuckled, then I felt him start to relax as I kissed him again, slowly moving my lips over his, my tongue tracing around his mouth. At the same time, I mirrored the motion with my hand, massaging him slowly in wide circles around his entrance, each circle bringing me closer and closer to that glorious little hole until finally I reached it. I slowly pushed in a finger and JJ gave a full body shudder.

“This okay?”

“Mm-hm,” his breaths came a bit quicker and I waited to move, kissing him gently until he relaxed again under me. 

Slowly, I began opening him up. And slowly, he melted more and more under me. God, he was absolutely beautiful. Flushed, his features relaxed in pleasure, hand covering mine as I smoothed it over his chest. The fire in my gut kept growing. And I wanted nothing more than to bring him to this new awareness of what his body could feel. I silently crowed inside, knowing that _I_ was the one to give it to him. His first.

“You’re doing great, baby. You’re so gorgeous like this. You okay to keep going?”

JJ responded by pulling me down to his mouth.

I continued pushing in, massaging as I went. Once I was in deep enough, I curled my finger, searching. He suddenly broke our kiss, arching high off the sofa with a “Fuck!” 

Ah, that’s what I wanted him to feel. I smiled in triumph.

He was so sensitive, responding to every touch on his prostate. Not wanting to completely overwhelm him, I teased the gland lightly while working in another finger, moving in and out, my rhythm growing faster bit by bit. JJ was moaning, hands overhead gripping the arm of the sofa, and he began rocking on my hand. I almost came just with that. But this wasn’t about me. I was completely focused on giving him pleasure in a way that he had never experienced before. It was a heady feeling. Making JJ react this way. I bit down hard on my lip to keep myself under control as I watched him get closer and closer to his edge.

He was panting, muttering in broken bits of French. Then I was kissing him again, pushing deep into his mouth with my tongue and deeper into his ass with my hand.

“That’s it, baby,” I murmured against his lips. “Feel everything. Come when you’re ready.”

It only took a few more thrusts and he was crying out as his orgasm washed over him. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” 

I pushed hard into him until he finished, then slowed as I felt his body relax back into the sofa.

A minute or so passed before he spoke. “Holy shit, Yuré,” he said, his eyes closed, still breathing hard.

Moving to lay on top of him, I smiled over his lips as I kissed him, “Hmm… you were amazing.”

And he was. Watching JJ like that made my chest contract and expand at the same time. I pulled him close and kissed him deeply, trying to convey with my kiss just how truly incredible that was. 

Breaking away to gasp, JJ said, “You’re still hard.”

“It’s okay,” I nuzzled my nose under his jaw. But JJ reached around and pulled my hips against him, kneading my ass. Then he started grinding into me with quick, rhythmic circles. The slick of his come on his stomach was warm against my cock, and I was quickly approaching my own edge, feeling JJ's hands on me, his body moving like that under me.

“Oh,” I breathed out and pressed my forehead to his jaw, “Jeh, baby, that feels so good.”

I felt his arms tighten around me. Mine made their way back under shoulders, holding him close. It only took another deep kiss before I felt the wave that had been building in me this whole time crest, a deep shudder working its way through me.

Resting my face against JJ's cheek I let out a sigh, "Wow." 

He turned his head, looking at me in wonder. Smiling back, I gave him several light kisses, feeling completely content to kiss him like that for the next hour, at least.

After lounging for a bit I could feel us getting sticky. I gave JJ a gentle peck before pulling myself away, “I’ll be right back. Don’t move.”

“I don’t think I can,” he said with a chuckle.

Returning to the living room after cleaning myself off in the bathroom, I paused for a minute and stared over at the couch. JJ hadn’t moved a muscle and looked so well-fucked I couldn’t help but feel a little pride in that. I finally approached him.

“Feeling better?” Bending over the sofa arm, I gave him an upside-down kiss as I ran a warm towel over him.

“Definitely,” he sighed, a satisfied grin on his face.

Dumping the towel in his bathroom hamper, I came back to see JJ in his joggers again, just pulling on his tee. He stopped to watch me as I moved to get my clothes.

“I like you walking around naked in my flat,” he teased.

Rolling my eyes I tossed a shoe at him, then dressed. On the side table, my phone chimed and lit up with a text. JJ looked down. 

“It’s Yuuri. He needs to talk to you about the class this afternoon.” Oh, shit. I snatched the phone out of his hand a bit too quickly, and he looked down, biting his lip. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to read it.”

Trying to recover, “No, that’s fine. I mean, it’s right there on the screen.” But reading the text I could see that was close call. Yuuri all but stated outright that he was not happy that I had missed today’s class. Not that I didn’t want JJ to know that I had quit teaching. I just wanted to tell him in a different way.

“Do you need to go?” JJ was trying not to show his disappointment at that possibility. Quickly pocketing my phone, I went up to him, sliding a hand around his neck and gave him a soft kiss.

“No, I can deal with Yuuri later. How about we eat and just watch a movie and chill?” Immediately, JJ’s eyes brightened.

After devouring the sandwiches we ended up deciding on _The Hobbit_ — “cause it’s not a super-hero movie, and it has a dragon!” — and settled back on the couch, our legs propped up on his ottoman. JJ scooted down, resting his head on my chest, holding one of my hands between his, while I absently ran my fingers through his hair with the other.

By the time we reached the third movie, I was completely involved in what was going to happen, while JJ had long since fallen asleep in my arms. I didn’t mind though, and nuzzled into his hair, kissing his head. He sighed contentedly, a light smile barely on his lips. With the weight of him against me, listening to his soft snores, which were completely _adorable_ , I realized that what was happening between us was something I could no longer resist or deny.

I was completely falling for JJ Leroy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Fichez-moi la paix!_ , means "Give me peace!" Another way of saying, "Hey, lay off!"
> 
>  _Ostie de colon_ is generally used to refer to someone as an idiot in French Canadian, but it doesn't really translate over to French at all.
> 
> Whew! So, things turned out completely different in this chapter than I had originally planned, but I really like how it turned out and hope you guys do too!
> 
> I wrote a little bit more of the "[behind the scenes](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/private/171744428832/tumblr_p5cl9bMB9l1wdjozl)" of this chapter on my tumblr if you want to know why I went this direction, and what it now means for the story.
> 
> And I'd love to connect with you on tumblr [@suzewrites](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/)! That's where I share more about my writing process, post writing tips that I've learned, as well as ideas for new YOI stories, and the like.


	7. Gut Punch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I wasn't sure what to make of all this, other than the fact that I knew I couldn't deny my feelings for JJ anymore. Couldn't run from the pull of him. He was so different than I had ever expected. That annoying side from when I was younger had turned into fun and flirty. He was kind and thoughtful. And when he smiled at me now my insides did flips. I bit my lip, trying unsuccessfully to hide my smile, but I was as fucking giddy as a schoolgirl. I couldn't wait to climb back into bed with JJ, kiss him awake, and perhaps make love again before I had to leave for practice._
> 
> _As soon as I entered the bedroom, however, I was surprised to see that he was already up. Sitting on the bed, elbows perched on knees pulled up in front, head slumped down in his hands. My stomach dropped in panic._
> 
> _“Jeh, what's wrong?”_
> 
> ***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I decided to indicate the Russian by italics instead of faking it with Google Translate and posting the translations at the end._
> 
> ***

Well, here I was, standing in front of the mirror of JJ's bathroom again. Looking at my reflection, I still looked like the same me. Long hair, matted once again. Black eye still there, though the swelling had gone down quite a bit. But the person beaming back at me was not the same me from yesterday. Yesterday my entire axis had shifted.

I had slept with JJ again. But it was so much more than that. I guess you could call it ‘making love,’ though that seemed almost too cheesy for my taste. Almost.

No matter what you called it, all I knew was that what we did last night was unlike any sex I'd ever had — even in all those years with Beka. JJ and I had shared something new. Something different. And whatever that _something_ was, my chest was swelling with it again, about to burst.

I felt it making love to JJ yesterday.

Then again last night as I dragged JJ to his room — “Come on sleepyhead” — stripped off my pants and joined him under the covers. Sighing as our bodies settled together, wrapped in each other's arms.

And again this morning, as I simply gazed at JJ while he slept, curled close and facing me, our heads almost touching. My hand found its way into his hair again, just couldn't seem to get enough of brushing through that silky darkness.

I wasn't sure what to make of all this, other than the fact that I knew I couldn't deny my feelings for JJ anymore. Couldn't run from the pull of him. He was so different than I had ever expected. That annoying side from when I was younger had turned into fun and flirty. He was kind and thoughtful. And when he smiled at me now my insides did flips. I bit my lip, trying unsuccessfully to hide my smile, but I was as fucking giddy as a schoolgirl. I couldn't wait to climb back into bed with JJ, kiss him awake, and perhaps make love again before I had to leave for practice.

As soon as I entered the bedroom, however, I was surprised to see that he was already up. Sitting on the bed, elbows perched on knees pulled up in front, head slumped down in his hands. My stomach dropped in panic.

“Jeh, what's wrong?”

JJ turned toward me, looking as depressed as he was yesterday. Once he saw me in the doorway relief touched his eyes, but only just. I rushed over, sitting next to him on the bed, my hand immediately going to his face, searching those blue eyes for what caused him such distress.

“Are you okay?”

“I just...” he looked down. “I thought you had left.”

 _Oh_. I had bolted out of here pretty quickly the other morning, so it was understandable I guess. We were both silent for a moment. Biting my lip, I tried to think of what I could say. Deciding to go for action instead, I leaned in to give him a kiss but he turned away, pulling my hand down from his face. I instantly stilled.

JJ took a deep breath, “Listen Yuré, I really like you. A lot. But... I don't think I can do this anymore.” he let out his exhale. “It just hurts too much.”

My heart stopped. “What... what are you talking about, Jeh?”

“ _This_ ,” he waved his hand between us. “Being with you, and not being with you. I can't do it. I thought I could. I thought I could be whatever you wanted. I thought that I could just be friends if that's all you wanted to be, even after the other night. But I don't think we can be ‘just friends.’ We always seem to end up sleeping together.” He scoffed quietly. Then his tone saddened. “And this morning, when I thought you'd left again? Well, it made me realize I can't do this — wonder if you'll leave after we have sex, or if you'll want to hang out or not, or if you'll even text me back.”

“But I didn't leave, Jeh. I'm right here,” I countered, my voice tight. He was just panicking, that was it, but it was making me panic. My hands fisted the covers on the bed. “I thought after last night... I mean, last night was different. Didn't you feel... didn't you like it, like what we did?”

My mind quickly replayed the evening, searching for a reason why JJ was saying this. But I only remembered was how responsive he was, how he moved under my touches, accepted my kisses, pulling me in for more.

“Last night was amazing. But so was the other night, and you still left.” JJ shook his head, saying quietly, “I know you only slept with me last night because you felt sorry for me.”

 _Huh_? “Wait, no, that wasn't why,” I was shaking my head, but JJ still wasn't looking at me. “I mean sure, you were sad and... and I wanted to make you feel better... but...” I struggled to explain, but it wasn't coming out right. JJ turned to look at me then, his eyebrow quirked slightly, and the words died in my throat. Was that the feeling I had for JJ? Pity? No, no, it couldn't be. I'd felt something else, I was sure I had. But that something was now slipping from my grasp.

“Look, I know we only started this whole thing because we were trying to get back Izzy and Beka. But I'm the reason you got in that fight with Beka. If you weren't pretending to be with me,” he lightly touched my eye and I sparked at his touch, chasing it when he dropped his hand away, “this wouldn't have happened. Lou was right, this whole fake dating thing was the dumbest idea I ever had. I should have never asked you do it. I'm sorry.”

“Jeh, this isn't making any sense,” the more he spoke the more confused I was becoming, and I wished he would just shut up already. I rubbed at my temples.

Yes, I had begun hanging out more with JJ because I wanted to get back with Beka, but I also hung out with him because being around JJ made me feel good. I knew getting back together with Beka was a lost cause — and I was surprised to discover that now I didn't even care. Now all I wanted was for JJ to stop talking, throw me down on the bed and kiss me senseless. But he didn't seem to want that at all. A sinking feeling started back in my stomach, and I whispered, “Do you want to get back with Izzy? Is that what this is about?”

He shrugged. “I don't know. Izzy and I broke up because of that girl, Livia. Though that was just the tip of the iceberg, really. I don't know if there is any way we could get back together, even if she thought you and I were dating. I was only fooling myself.”

“So, what are you saying, Jeh?” I could barely breath, and just stared down at our hands resting on the covers, mere inches apart. I wanted to grab his hand, squeeze it until he stopped talking such nonsense.

Sighing he said, “I don't think we should hang out anymore.”

“ _What_?”

“I can't just be your friend, Yuré. I want more. But I know you don't want to be with me, not really. You're not ready to be in another relationship, and I don't want to just be your rebound, or fuck buddy or whatever the hell we are.”

“No, Jeh, that's not what you are. I mean, fuck, I don't know what we are either, but can't we just, I don't know... see how it goes?"

How could he just want to end this? We had barely started. Circumstances for when we’d hung out before had been pretty crazy fucked up, so we hadn’t ever really gotten a chance to figure anything out. I had barely begun to just figure out my own feelings. How could he be so sure of his?

“I'm sorry Yuré, but I can't do halfway. It's just not me. I think it's best to just stop this now.”

My chest felt constricted and I couldn't speak. The room started to go in and out of focus, and my head felt like I was swimming through a fog.

Suddenly, my phone started blaring its alarm for my normal wake-up time, jolting us both.

“You should get going. You don't want to be late for practice again.”

“Jeh,” JJ was slipping, slipping away from me and I grasped at any thread of connection to pull him back to me. I did grab his hand then, not wanting to go, leaving things like this. “I... can I at least text you later?”

Shaking his head he said quietly, “I think I need some space.”

I felt as if he punched me in the gut. All the air left my lungs.

Making my way off the bed I stood there, unable to move, holding JJ's hand for dear life. We looked at each other for a moment, those blue eyes searching my face, though I wasn't sure what for. My phone blared again and JJ looked away, letting go of my hand.

That final thread having slipped through my fingers, I turned and numbly made my way back to the bathroom.

* * *

Blindly going through the motions I’d somehow made it home, showered and arrived at the ice rink. Lacing up my skates in the locker room I replayed this morning. Waking up I'd felt so wonderful. Then... what the hell had happened? I didn’t even know where to begin other than with the fact that JJ, just like Beka, didn’t want to be with me. I had finally been at a place where I could open up with someone again, and it all came to an abrupt end. I hadn’t even done anything. It didn’t make sense.

Making my way to the ice I pulled up short, seeing Yuuri there with Victor. He wasn’t outfitted for skating, just talking to Victor on the other side of the barrier. Why was he here? He turned, his mouth drawn into a hard thin line, arms crossed in front of his chest. Victor sighed but otherwise kept his neutral demeanor. 

Something in the back of my mind told me they were mad at me for something — yet another thing I had done wrong — but I couldn’t grasp what it was. I simply blinked over at them, then felt the tears come.

Yuuri’s face instantly changed, and he caught me in a tight hug before I even knew what was happening. Feeling his arms around me unleashed whatever tenuous hold I had on my emotions, and I found myself clutching him, sinking to the ground, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.

It all came out. My tears for Beka, for seven years of being with him, ending just like that. For all the good times we shared. For his friendship. For the intimacy. For the distance that started to seep in. For needing him, and hating him, and loving him.

For not knowing what the hell went wrong. Not understanding how things could be going along fine, and then for no reason someone stops loving you. 

For this morning with JJ. For him saying he liked me but then saying he didn’t want to see me anymore. How did that even make sense? If someone liked you, why would they not want to be with you? I wanted to be with him. Didn’t I show that last night as we made love? How could he not want to be together after that? What was wrong with me?

Yuuri simply held me through it all, every once in a while murmuring, “It’s okay, we’ve got you, just let it out, you’re safe.” It wasn’t until the tears started to subside that I realized Victor was there too, kneeling next to me, hand softly rubbing my head.

“Vitya?” I questioned. 

“ _Da, Yurachka_?”

“ _I thought you hated it when people cried_ ,” I said, sniffing back a few more tears that had leaked out.

He chuckled, looking at Yuuri, “ _I’ve learned to do better_.” Then he leaned in and kissed my head. “Come, skate a few laps with me, then you can tell us what happened.”

Yuuri started to protest as Victor pulled me out of his arms, but Victor said, “Let him skate, _zoloste_. You know the ice always helps to clear one’s head.” 

Victor took me by the hand and pulled me onto the ice with him. He skated next to me for a lap, holding my hand the entire way like I was a child. But I didn’t want to let go when he swung me ahead of him as we looped past Yuuri on the sidelines. 

The prickle of cold air as I circled the rink stung a bit against my tear-stained cheeks, but feeling the glide of ice under my skates, the blood warm up my limbs, I started to breath easier. 

After a few more laps, he instructed, “Alright, let’s start with a triple axel.” 

Victor ran me through the rest of my normal morning drills. I easily fell into the routine of them. It felt good, just moving through them. Then, he had me run every one of my jumps. Five times. Soon I was sweating from the exertion. But my head was not so overwhelmed with this morning.

His hand on my shoulder, Victor led me back off the ice. “ _That was very good, Yura. Your jumps are starting to be much cleaner, especially your flip_.”

Handing me my jacket and blade guards, Yuuri then took my hand and we all sat down, me between the two of them. They didn’t say anything, just waited silently, each holding a hand of mine.

“Why does no one want to be with me?” I said resigned, leaning on Yuuri’s shoulder.

“What happened?” Yuuri asked, stroking my hand.

I told them how I’d been hanging out with JJ, first as a way to make Beka jealous, but how I now found that I liked him. And that despite that we liked each other, he had broken off whatever we even were. Stopped it before it could even start.

“I don’t understand,” I turned into Yuuri’s shoulder, crying again. I couldn’t believe what a blubbering mess I was. “If he has feelings for me, why doesn’t he want to be with me?”

Victor spoke. “Remember when I flew off to Japan and left you in Russia?”

Both Yuuri and I turned to give him a scathing, “Uh-huh.”

Victor rolled his eyes, “One of these days you’ll both finally forgive me,” he muttered under his breath. “Anyway, I went to Japan because I liked Yuuri, was positively head-over-heels, and I thought he liked me too. Yet, we didn’t get together right away. We almost didn’t at all. What I’m saying Yura, is sometimes the way you feel about someone isn’t enough to move them past their own insecurities and fears. Sometimes, when someone doesn’t want to be with you, it has nothing to do with you at all. They are working out their own things. They are on their own path, and haven’t learned to be on that path with someone else.” He looked at Yuuri, eyes softening with tenderness. “Yuuri needed to learn he could be strong on his own. All I could do was be there to support him in the ways he needed. I didn’t know if he would ever feel about me the way I felt about him, but it didn’t matter. I still cared and did what I could to help him, just be there for him.”

“Vitya,” Yuuri said quietly.

That sort of made sense. I remembered that time. Yuuri was a complete mess around Victor, could barely hold it together when Victor would flirt with him, or even be near him. It always frustrated me, seeing how clueless Yuuri was back then. Could it be the same with JJ? I thought he felt what I felt last night, but maybe he just had his head too far up his own ass to see that we could be together.

“Since when did you get all wise, old man?” 

“He surprises me still, Yu-chan,” Yuuri chuckled into my hair, squeezing me tight.

“With JJ,” Victor squeezed my hand, “do you _actually_ like him, or is he only someone that you are using as a replacement for Otabek?”

Closing my eyes I sighed. “I guess, it started out that way... But the more I'm around him, the more I want to be around him. He’s not so bad, once you get to know him. Actually,” I buried my face in Yuuri’s shoulder again, embarrassed that I was admitting this out loud, to Yuuri and Victor no less, “he's pretty great. I really do care about that asshole. A lot.”

That was the thing that killed me. That asshole made me care and then yanked it away. More than that though, I was sad that things had gotten so screwed up, enough so that JJ didn't even want to be around me at all. Tears started streaming down my face again and Yuuri wrapped his arms around me while I quietly sobbed.

Eventually, the tears stopped. Yuuri decided to cancel his classes for the day and took me back to their townhome. Victor had to stay to work with the skaters for the ice show, but he promised to make piroshkis for dinner.

I spent the day snuggled on the couch with Yuuri as we just watched movie after movie. Phichit came over in the afternoon, though I was so emotionally exhausted I ended up napping for several hours, only seeing him at dinner. He was uncharacteristically quiet and didn’t ask any questions about JJ. Instead, the conversation focused on the ice show and all that needed to be done with the choreography, set up with the costumes, lights and everything else the production required.

After dinner we all settled on the couch for yet another movie, Phichit massaging my shoulders while Yuuri massaged my feet. The next thing I knew I was being carried to the guest room while I vaguely heard Phichit telling Yuuri goodnight through my sleepy haze.

As Victor laid me down on the bed I suddenly felt cold, alone. Panic started to rise and I grabbed his sleeve as he turned to leave.

“ _Vitya, can you stay for a bit_?”

Victor knelt down beside me, brushing the hair back from my face. “ _Of course, Yurachka_.”

I scooted over and Victor climbed into the bed, pulling me close. He started singing softly, an old Russian lullaby, and more tears started pouring out. Then, there was a dip in the mattress and Yuuri slid under the covers behind me, rubbing my back, kissing my head before draping his arm over Victor’s as he cradled me. There, snuggled between the two of them, listening to Victor's low singing, I finally fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so this went a bit sideways! Just like Yuri, I did not plan for this chapter to go this way at all, but JJ had his own plans and threw everything into wack! To read more about the process of this chapter (especially why JJ broke up with Yuri!), read the [behind the scenes here](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/private/172191563022/tumblr_p62udghPsw1wdjozl).
> 
> Also, this is the song that encapsulates what JJ is feeling: [Cold Feet, by Justine Suissa (on the album Above & Beyond)](https://open.spotify.com/track/4jYy3winu4wJHzHQof13sp?si=_Oa6un75RPaw0nCc6gbZyQ)
> 
> You can always find me on tumblr [@suzewrites](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/) where I post about my writing process, share writing tips, ideas for new YOI stories, and the like.


	8. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It had been a couple of weeks since I’d last seen JJ. I’d avoided going back to my place as much as possible, crashing instead at Victor’s and Yuuri’s townhome for most of that time._
> 
> _My flat was just so empty and stark. I couldn’t stand being there with nothing but my thoughts, staring at my phone and trying to keep myself from texting JJ. Victor had told me it was best to honor JJ’s request for space and not push him, but each day it was getting harder and harder to not try and reach out. I don’t know how many texts I’d started and deleted, ranging from “You fucking asshole!” to “Please baby, can’t we give this a try?”_
> 
> ***

I could feel Yuuri eyeing me from the other end of the studio as I stood next to Phichit. Liam and Michael were giggling. Even Alice was smiling, though she was trying to hide it, as Phichit told them stories of when I first debuted in the Senior division. How I would go around yelling at everyone but that it was very cute, like a little tiger cub trying to be scary. To emphasize his point he started meowing with an angry face, clawing at my arm. I shoved it away.

He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye, “He may look scary on the outside kids, but…” then he pinched my arm, hard.

“Ow!” I protested, rubbing my arm, glaring at him, doing my best to not punch him back in front of everyone. The kids tried to hide their laughter behind their hands, but to no avail.

“See?” Phichit said, triumphant. “His bark is worse than his bite.” Then in a loud stage whisper and a wink he said, “It’s because he’s Russian.” More snickers. “Okay everyone, let’s get to the barre!”

The kids rushed over, all smiles as they lined up. 

“How did you do that?” I looked at Phichit, a bit in awe.

He laughed. “Sometimes kids just want to have a little fun mixed in with all the hard work,” he said with a shrug as we walked over to the barre.

Taking a deep breath I looked over at the kids. I couldn’t believe I was back here. It had been a couple of weeks since I’d last seen JJ. I’d avoided going back to my place as much as possible, crashing instead at Victor’s and Yuuri’s townhome for most of that time.

My flat was just so empty and stark. I couldn’t stand being there with nothing but my thoughts, staring at my phone and trying to keep myself from texting JJ. Victor had told me it was best to honor JJ’s request for space and not push him, but each day it was getting harder and harder to not try and reach out. I don’t know how many texts I’d started and deleted, ranging from _“You fucking asshole!”_ to _“Please baby, can’t we give this a try?”_

So, having stayed over yet again at Yuuri and Victor’s last night, I’d begged them as I helped wash dishes this morning to just let me move into their guest room. Yuuri had quickly agreed, but Victor had one condition — that I continue teaching the class at Yuuri’s studio.

“What the hell, Vitya? Why in the world would you want me to do that? I mean, since it went _so_ well last time?” I shot Yuuri a pleading look. “You saw, Yuuri, I’m horrible at this stuff. I’m no prima ballerina, like Lilia or Minako. I have no idea how to teach anyone, especially kids.” I could hear the frustration in my own voice, and I was halfway between yelling at them and bursting into angry tears. Why did Victor have to make everything so difficult? “Come on, I’ll do anything else. Please?”

Standing with my hands drenched in sudsy water I closed my eyes against those tears that were threatening to leak out. Yuuri came over and put an arm around me, but I stiffened. “You’re right, Yu-chan, last time was a bit of a disaster. Vitya, perhaps something else…”

Victor’s tone was firm, “Oh no you don’t, _zoloste_. You asked Yura to do this because you wanted to help him, and you were right.” He came over to dry the pot I’d been washing, “This will be good for you, Yurachka. You’ve been skating and dancing long enough that it’s time to look beyond your immediate career and start working on your future. You need to stop moping around here and swimming in your own misery. If you start focusing more on others instead of yourself it will help keep your mind off _certain_ guys.”

Scoffing, “Oh that’s rich, coming from you.” I tried another tactic. “But what about my training? Won’t this distract from that?”

“Nice try young man,” Victor handed me the towel so I could dry off, then put his hands on my shoulders and turned me, leveling a look, “I’m sorry, but this is non-negotiable if you want to stay here. But,” he held up his hand before I could interrupt again, “I agree that letting you teach on your own didn’t seem to work too well last time.” Tapping his finger on his lip, “How about having Phichit help you teach the class today?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

Yuuri chimed in, “That’s a great idea. He’s already been working with them, after all.”

Groaning, I didn’t know which was worse. Having to teach the damn class, or having to deal with Phichit while teaching the class. Phichit was my friend, but his enthusiasm could be wearing. 

Shrugging out of Yuuri’s arm I mumbled, “Fine, whatever. Just don’t expect any miracles. Or that I’ll baby them. No one babied me.” Throwing the towel back at Victor, who caught it easily, I glared at them both before heading back to my room. “Obviously.”

And so, here I was. And as expected, it wasn’t going any better than the first time. In fact, it was worse as the kids kept breaking into fits of giggles thanks to Phichit’s antics. After every instruction, he would make a face, or wiggle his butt, or poke one of the kids. I tried to ignore him.

“When you lower into a plié you need to feel like the floor is coming up to you, let your knees fold up naturally,” I demonstrated.

“You mean like this?” Phichit winked at Alice, then pliéd down so low he was practically sitting on his butt. That caused him to lose his balance and he fell back with a loud thump. Everyone in the room burst out laughing, including Yuuri’s students from the other side of the room.

You know what, it wasn’t worth it. I would figure out something else without Yuuri and Victor’s help.

“That’s enough, Phichit!” I couldn’t hold in my frustration anymore. “I know for a fact you don’t treat your own training this way. It’s not all fun and games. You work your ass off. You wouldn’t have won your medals if you didn’t.” Phichit stared up at me and instantly sobered. 

The entire room became quiet. A glance towards Yuuri and I saw that he and his entire class were watching me with rapt attention. I knew I should just leave now, but I couldn’t shut up. My voice became low as I struggled to keep from yelling. 

“This is not the time for fun. This is the time for hard work. Don’t you guys think that when I was ten-years-old with my feet bleeding after class that I wished that my teachers would joke around and give me a break? Sure, but they didn’t and I’m grateful. I wouldn’t have become a world-champion figure skater if they had. I did whatever it took to be the best, and that meant working hard when others weren’t willing to do what it takes.

“If you want to have fun, then you should go to a class where your teacher doesn’t care if you are good or not.” I shot Phichit a look, and he looked down. “But Yuuri asked me to teach you because he thinks you three are good enough to be in the ice show. I know I’m not the nicest teacher out there, but if you will listen to me and work hard I will make you all great dancers. So really it boils down to, are you willing to work hard or not?”

I started to leave but reconsidered and turned back to the kids, who were all gaping at me with wide eyes. “Look, I will be here tomorrow for class — _without_ Phichit. If you are willing to do what it takes, then come. If not, then don’t bother to show up.”

As I left the room I dared one last glimpse at Yuuri. I could have sworn I saw him give me a small nod of approval, but I’d been wrong before.

* * *

I had never wanted to text JJ so badly as I did leaving the studio today. I just needed to skate. Clear my head. I decided to grab the metro to the rink, but while waiting for the bus I couldn't help but type out a message. _“Hey J, I really wish I could to talk to you today. I’m sorry for how things ended. I miss you.”_ I stared at it for a moment, hovering over the send button before deleting it. 

Teaching that class was definitely _not_ helping to get JJ out of my mind. It only made me miss him more. He was still the only one who seemed to really get me, supporting me no matter what. With all the drama with Beka. With Victor and Yuuri and teaching the kids. But for everything that idiot seemed to get about me, he missed the most important thing — how much I wanted to be with him.

I pounded my fist against my forehead. How could I still have these feelings for JJ? That asshat had ended things, left me just like Beka. Yet, this breakup — if that’s what you could even call it — felt different than how it had been with Beka, who I could now see was checked out from the moment he came to Montreal. Instead, it was as if JJ was holding himself back. It still didn’t make sense to me, not when things had just started to click into place. 

My phone chimed making me jump. An unknown number popped up on my screen. Of course it wasn’t JJ. I knew it was stupid to expect it would be, but it seemed my heart didn’t know when to stop hoping.

_Unknown Number 4:33 PM_  
_> > Hey Yuri, it’s Lou. I was hoping to talk to you. It’s important. Text me back pls._

Biting my lip I stared down at my phone, not sure what to make of Lou’s text. I assumed she got my number from JJ. Knowing she had been talking to him started my heart racing. Did he tell her what happened? And if he did, what would she think about it? Did she just want to yell at me? I imagined she gave quite a tongue lashing. 

But… after hearing nothing from JJ over these past weeks, now I suddenly had a connection again. I finally had something to grab on to. I had to risk reaching back.

_Me 4:35 PM_  
_< < Hi Lou. What’s up?_

_> > Hey cheri. It’s about that girl Livia. Jean’s stalker chick. Would you be willing to give a statement to the police? I finally got the video, but the detective said a statement from you would be good to have as well._

Not what I was expecting, but I’ll take anything. Maybe if JJ knew I was trying to help he would be open to talking again.

_< < Sure, of course. Whatever I can do to help._

This was all making me curious. What was going on with JJ and his stalker? Was he okay? Did he miss me as much as I missed him? Of course I couldn’t ask Lou that, but I was dying to find out something. Fingers pausing over the phone I tried to be casual.

_< < Btw how is JJ?_

_> > Fine I guess. Haven’t really talked to him since the hockey game. He said he’s been pretty busy with practice. But why are you asking me?_   
_> > Wait..._   
_> > DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?? _

_< < Whoa on the ALL CAPS._

_> > TELL ME._

_< < Kind of hard to explain over text._

_> > Meet me at Cafe Vito in 30 min!_

_< < Can’t. Heading to the rink right now. Meet you after?_

_> > FINE! Text me as soon as you are finished or I will hunt you down. You know I can._

_< < OMG you are pushy! I will text you soon._

_> > You'd better. C u soon._

* * *

Stepping out on the ice I shook my limbs out. Knowing I would be seeing Lou again made me all jittery. Glad I was at the rink to burn off this anxious energy I took a few quick laps to warm up. Plugging in my phone I found a playlist that was nothing but loud, hard, angsty. It was just what I needed. After about twenty minutes of pushing myself on jumps and spins, I felt my chest start to loosen from feeling so constricted, which seemed to be its permanent state nowadays.

Making my way back to the boards to catch my breath, I scrolled through Instagram quickly. I knew what I was looking for, but was disappointed. Nothing from JJ. Jesus, I was like his stalker obsessing over his social feeds, but he hadn’t posted anything in the last weeks. Jumping to his profile I saw that his last post was a picture I didn’t even realize he took of me, at the club hugging Phichit. It was tagged #newfriends #blessed. 

The flutters that JJ used to give me in my stomach had moved permanently to my chest, and now I ached more than ever seeing that post. As much as I thought it would be best if I could just get over JJ, I really didn’t want to. It surprised me, but I hadn’t felt this way about someone in so long. It had definitely been longer than I cared to admit since I’d felt this way about Beka even. Man, how could I be so stupid to think that we could keep going like we were?

I needed to skate again, but not like I had been. Skimming through my music I wanted something different. Something that I normally wouldn’t skate to. Something to encompass what I was feeling deep inside. Finally finding what I was looking for, I queued it up.

The song started playing and I began to glide over the ice, absorbing the slower but steady rhythm of the song. I moved in controlled motions, drawing everything out so one movement stretched into the other. My body craved moving like this. Controlling it in such a technical way. It felt amazing, so opposite of my frenzy-fueled movements from before. I put the song on repeat and continued to explore these new movements.

“I’ve never seen you skate like that, Yura.” I turned and was surprised to see Victor by the sideboards. “The way you were holding your energy through the whole movement, bleeding one into the next — it’s enthralling to watch. This is what I’ve been waiting for you to discover. A new way of expressing yourself on a higher level.” Slipping off his skate guards he joined me on the ice, “Can you show me that last sequence again?”

Victor continued to have me show him the steps I had been doing. He saw immediately what I was trying to accomplish with my movements, but of course Victor being Victor, wanted me to extend the movements more. Exaggerate them so that the technical aspect was even harder. 

“Now, let’s try everything at half speed while keeping the energy steady throughout.” 

Another hour passed like this. It wasn't until my muscles were trembling so much I collapsed mid-step in a sequence that Victor finally relented.

As I walked shakily to the car after a quick shower, Victor asked, “How’d it go with class?” 

“Like you don’t already know,” I grunted, practically falling into the car seat, glad to give my legs a rest. 

Victor got in but didn’t start the car. “Well, why don’t you tell me how it went for _you_?”

Pushing my head back on the seat, I huffed a loud breath. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t teach like Phichit, all silly and fun. That’s just not me. You know, I was always so annoyed with Yakov and Lilia. Hated how much they pushed me. Lilia, she pushed me more than anyone.” Victor quirked an eyebrow. “Well, except you now.”

He chuckled. “Your legs will recover. I promise.”

“Hmph.” I shifted to face him more, then mumbled quietly. “I know, I know. I’ll do whatever it takes. You know I will. That’s just it, Vitya. I’m _glad_ you push me. I’m glad Lilia pushed me. I’m even glad for all of Yakov’s yelling.” We both laughed a little thinking of him. “So, I just can’t be all ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ with those kids. If they’re going to be any good they have to be pushed. And they have to want it. They have to be committed.”

“You're right. If you are going to invest your time they do need to put in the effort to be worthy of your talent. But if they commit to you, are you willing to commit to them?”

Victor raised a questioning brow. My gaze dropped. I didn’t know how to answer that and turned look out the window. Victor didn’t say anything else as he started the car and drove us home.

* * *

I found Lou already sitting outside the cafe, sipping from a large cup. The evenings were just starting to lengthen, the last of the sun shining brightly before it dropped, leaving long shadows against the cafe building. Lou was draped in a shawl that practically overtook her small frame, facing into the sun with big sunglasses, hair pulled back in a chic top knot.

She removed the glasses when she saw me, squinting into the light, pulling a chair close to her while shifting out of the sun. 

“Sit.” She handed me a cup of coffee. It was bitter and mellow just how I liked it, no sugar and just the right amount of cream. “I figured you took your coffee like mine,” she said. How did she and JJ know so intuitively my likes and dislikes?

Taking a sip to avoid speaking just yet, I looked around. It was a nice spring evening, and people were milling about in that easy fashion evening time brings. Not in a rush. Just strolling through the street, leisurely coming in and out of the shops nearby, soft smiles. I relaxed a bit as I took another sip of coffee, looking at Lou finally. 

“Alright, enough drinking, more talking,” she said.

A small exhale, “I don’t even know where to start, Lou.”

“Well, you guys slept together again. That much is obvious.” She took her own sip of coffee, “And let me guess, Jean got scared?”

I was impressed, but… “How do you know it wasn’t _me_ who got scared?”

“Oh honey, you are so in love with my brother it’s not even funny.” 

Shocked, I gaped at her. Lou only raised an eyebrow, daring me to challenge her statement. I opened my mouth to say something, but couldn’t think of anything. I tried again, “I…” but nothing else came out. Slumping back in my seat, hand over my eyes I murmured, “Oh my god. Oh my _god_.”

Lou chuckled, letting it sink in.

“I’m in love with Jeh?” I said mostly to myself, shaking my head trying to comprehend. I knew I had feelings for JJ. But that _something_ that had been growing inside... was it... “Shit. I’m in love with _fucking JJ Leroy_.”

Putting a hand on my shoulder, Lou laughed again. “It was only a matter of time, _cheri_.”

I threw my arms on the table, burying my head in them and groaned, “Jesus, Lou. What do I do? He doesn’t want to see me. Doesn’t even want me to text him.” 

“So what? Jean is also an idiot.” She let out a scoff.

I couldn’t help the small laugh that came out and leaned on my cheek to face her. Eyes softening, she patted my head. We were silent for a few minutes, her fingers stroking my hair absentmindedly, just giving me the space to think. So much was swirling in my mind now.

“Lou, why didn’t JJ and Izzy ever get married? They’ve been engaged since I was fifteen.”

A sigh. “Hmm, I don’t know how much to tell you. I don’t want to scare you away because honestly, I’ve never seen Jean be relaxed around anyone like he is with you.” She winked down at me. “Not even when he was with Izzy. He was always in ‘impress’ mode. But... I think it’s because Jean was never really in love with her — he was in love with the _idea_ of her. She was the epitome of the perfect girlfriend. And even though on the outside she always seemed supportive of him, they were both just playing a role. Plus, Jean kept focusing more and more on his career, wanting to beat his ultimate rival.”

I bit my lip and felt my cheeks get hot. Lou gave a slow nod of understanding.

“Ah, of course. That explains a lot. Well, he and Izzy sort of fell into a routine, I guess. There was always something that came up, and whenever they tried setting a date it just would get postponed, so eventually they stopped trying altogether. We all thought of them as the perpetually engaged type.”

“What about that girl… Livia? Jeh said she was why they broke up.”

“ _Criss_ , what a shit show that turned out to be. I think it was something that didn’t fit in the picture of the perfect life that Izzy had imagined. She just wanted Jean to be a certain way — the famous, hot skater, and she would be his hot, fangirl wife. But anything that deviated from that path? She just wasn’t up for it.”

Turning to rest my chin on folded arms I watched the sun finally slip behind the horizon. When I thought about my relationship with JJ throughout the years, even as a competitor, there was always something between us in all the banter and shit talk. A competition didn't seem the same without him there being an asshole to me, just like I was a shithead to him. It was a little thing we had going, and it pushed me to be better and better. Yet, I never saw him act with Izzy the way he acted with me. _Damn._ He and I had been _flirting_ with each other all those years. No wonder I was in love with him. JJ may be an idiot, but so was I.

“Listen Yuri,” Lou rested her hand on my shoulder and her tone got softer than I’d ever heard her. “I know Jean can be an asshole, and an idiot, and make you want to punch him in the face.” I chuckled. “But, I’ve never seen him act like himself with anyone outside of family. Until I saw him with you.”

I looked away. I’d already heard too much tonight. Realized too much. 

“Please Lou,” I pleaded, “that's enough. I don’t know what to think about all this. I don’t know what to do.”

“I know _cheri_ , it’s a lot to take in” she stood to leave. “But I guess what I’m saying is, please don’t give up on him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well everyone, this was a hard chapter to write! XP But now I see the light at the end of the tunnel, as Yuri decides whether he'll fight to win JJ back or not ( _hint: he does_ ). I'm traveling for the rest of the month, but will try to get in as much writing as I can!
> 
> Here's the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/1267936889/playlist/7xIMOvsXlrBF3KhoiBT0hf?si=uYzUrQNzTqygwpa_jFQjhw) that Yuri skates to. If you need something a bit angsty I highly reccomend it. ;)
> 
> And the slower song that Yuri's used to work on his new style is ["Nobody Knows (feat. WYNNE)" by Autograf and WYNNE](https://open.spotify.com/track/1FPat9MxjcvQNvhuVuBcmQ?si=gyCB27EWTgKL56rhusaLWg).


	9. Reaching Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Lou let out a loud groan. “Oh for fuck’s sake, cheri. Just call him.”_
> 
> _Sure that’s what I wanted to do. Could I though? Had enough time passed? I still wasn’t sure how to move forward. Since JJ had ended things, shouldn’t I wait for him to reach out, let me know that he was ready to give us a shot? Or was it okay if I made the first move? The last thing I wanted was to push JJ away more._
> 
> _“I’ve got to get ready for my class,” I unbuckled my seatbelt but Lou laid a hand on my arm as I opened the door._
> 
> _“Yuri, I’m serious. You need to talk to him.”_
> 
> _Shrugging, I stepped out of the car. “Thanks for the ride, Lou. I’ll see you ’round.”_
> 
> ***

“Thank you for coming, Mr. Plisetsky. I’m Detective Martel,” the detective introduced himself, shaking my hand as he met Lou and me at the front desk of the police station the next morning. He ushered us back through a maze of desks. The station was noisy, phones ringing, the other officers talking loudly. We passed some people in handcuffs sitting at a few desks. I wanted to help JJ, but couldn’t I give my statement someplace quieter, less exposed? I began alternately clenching and unclenching my fists, the commotion making me anxious.

The detective cleared off a couple of chairs by his desk that were filled with stacks of papers and we sat down. I figured he would just be some old fat guy, but he was a clean-cut dude who looked like he couldn’t be more than a few years older than me. Hmph, a rookie most likely. I looked over to Lou, raising a questioning brow, wondering if _this_ guy could actually do anything to help JJ. 

“So, I don’t know if Lou told you but stalking cases can be really tricky,” he said. Oh, great. My confidence in this guy’s abilities sunk lower, and we hadn’t even begun. “This case has been going on for over a year, and we’ve been unable to take any real action against Miss Grenier. I’m hoping your statement will help.”

Over a _year_? God, no wonder JJ was so upset at the hockey game. Was this why he had been so reluctant for us to be together? Maybe if I could help this idiot finally deal with that crazy chick JJ would feel better about opening up to me.

I glared at the detective. “I don’t get it why the hell you couldn’t do more earlier. I mean, you know this girl’s name and everything. Jeh has been dealing with this shit without you doing anything for over a year you say? That sounds like a pretty poor track record to me.” Lou kicked me, but I didn’t care if I sounded rude. The detective didn’t flinch under my tone, however.

“I’m just as frustrated as you, Mr. Plisetsky. Laws for stalking are very minimal and often limit what we can do. But I’m hoping because Miss Grenier actually spoke to you directly that will bolster our case. Now, before we talk about what Miss Grenier said to you, I need to know more about your relationship with JJ.”

“Oh, _fuck_ no,” I bit out. Turning to Lou, I said under my breath, “You said I just had to tell him about what happened at the game.”

Lou squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry, _cheri._ I know it’s personal. You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to.”

“But it will help our case,” the detective interjected. “We are trying to show a pattern of behavior with Miss Grenier — that she targets those with more intimate relationships with JJ.”

I didn’t like where this was going, but Lou looked at me and said quietly, “Please, _cheri._ ”

Exhaling aloud, I turned back to Detective Martel, who also looked at me hopefully. “This will help Jeh, right?”

“Yes, definitely.”

I nodded. “Okay, fine. What do you need to know?”

“Are you and JJ in a romantic relationship?”

“Seriously, why is this relevant?”

“Well, you have been JJ’s competitor for several years, but Miss Grenier hasn’t contacted you before. I’m thinking the only reason that Miss Grenier contacted you now was because she sees you as a rival for JJ’s affections.”

Ugh, so now I had to describe what I couldn’t understand myself. I slumped forward a bit, and Lou put her hand on my back. “Well, we started hanging out more last month. I guess you could say we dated for a bit.” We decided to date to get back our exes, did that count? But it backfired and I ended up falling in love with JJ. And to top it off, he doesn’t want to be with me even though he said he has feelings for me too. Is that what you want to know, detective? What a fucking mess. Sighing, “We aren’t together anymore though.”

“I see.” The detective cleared his throat, “When you were with JJ, was it sexual?”

My face felt hot. God, yes. Some of the best sex I’ve ever experienced. Sex that changes your life. Lou looked at me and tried to suppress the small smirk forming at the corners of her mouth. I rolled my eyes at her.

“Mr. Plisetsky?” The detective had his own faint blush rising up on his neck. “Sorry I have to ask, but it’s important.”

“Yes. Yes, we had sex.” 

He nodded and scribbled some notes. “When Miss Grenier approached you — was this before or after you and JJ stopped seeing each other?”

“Before.” 

“Hm,” the detective frowned.

“Is that a problem?”

“What? Oh. No, no,” he shook his head and continued writing. “Tell me about your encounter with Miss Grenier.”

As I explained my weird conversation with JJ’s stalker the detective’s frown kept deepening as he continued to write notes furiously on his notepad. 

“Okay detective, just tell me what it is,” I said, jolting the man up from his concentrated look. “And don’t lie to me and say that nothing’s wrong.”

Detective Martel paused for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck slowly. “Well, I’m worried that Miss Grenier will think that she has a lot of influence with JJ, especially in his relationships. JJ and his fiance Isabella broke up in great part to all the pressure JJ was under from her activities, and now JJ has again stopped dating someone that she saw as a threat. She may read this as a result of her intervention.”

I scoffed. “That’s ridiculous. We broke up for different reasons — _personal_ reasons — not because of this stalker chick.” What a stupid theory. I wasn’t like Izzy, abandoning JJ because of some crazy fan. Who was this jackass detective, lumping me in with her? “Izzy was a bitch who couldn’t take a little pressure. I would _never_ abandon Jeh like that.” I looked the detective square in the eyes.

His face softened, “JJ’s very lucky to have someone who cares about him like you do — even after a breakup. But,” he continued, “the reason you guys broke up doesn’t matter. Only the fact of it. Miss Grenier may now become more emboldened with anyone else that JJ dates.”

 _Anyone else?_ I didn’t care if this guy was a police detective and we were in the middle of a police station. I was going to punch him. Lou noticed the shift in my posture, my hands balling into fists, and put a strong hand on my arm. 

The detective seemed oblivious to my change in mood and smiled at me. “This has been very, very helpful, Mr. Plisetsky. I think that’s all I need for now, but is it alright if I get in touch if I need anything else?” 

“Fine,” I ground out, getting up to leave. 

“And please let me know immediately if Miss Grenier contacts you again, in any way. Even if you suspect her as a troll on your social accounts. Anything. We will put a stop to her.”

He handed me his card. I crumpled it and shoved it in my pocket. “I doubt it,” I muttered under my breath as we left, Lou dragging me quickly away.

Outside, Lou whipped me around, forced me to face her. “ _Cheri_ , you need to control your temper. Remember, that detective was trying to _help_ Jean.”

“I don’t care, Lou. That fucker just assumed that JJ was dating someone else.” I pulled out of her grasp and walked quickly over to her car, getting in and slamming the door. I couldn’t think about JJ dating someone else. It had been bad enough when Beka started dating Kayla — but JJ? I think that might actually kill me if I saw him with someone that wasn’t me.

Lou got in and started the car, though we drove in silence. As she pulled up to my flat she said, “He’s not, _cheri._ ”

“Huh?”

“Jean’s not dating anyone. And he’s not going to start. He’s in love with you too, you know.”

My heart jumped. “He is?”

“ _Criss_ you two are such idiots. Of course he is. He’s just in denial.”

I slumped back down in my seat. Yeah, that was the problem. It didn’t matter that JJ had feelings for me. Because even if he was in love with me, it didn’t change things. Didn’t make him want to be with me. 

“Do you think he’ll talk to me again if he knows I helped the police?”

Turning, Lou gave me a scathing look. “Is that why you did this?”

I shook my head, “No, no that’s not what I meant. I would help Jeh with this no matter what. It’s just…”

Lou let out a loud groan. “Oh for fuck’s sake, _cheri._ Just call him.” 

Sure that’s what I wanted to do. Could I though? Had enough time passed? I still wasn’t sure how to move forward. Since JJ had ended things, shouldn’t I wait for him to reach out, let me know that he was ready to give us a shot? Or was it okay if I made the first move? The last thing I wanted was to push JJ away more. 

I was tired of thinking about this. Thank god I had class this afternoon. I snorted quietly at the irony of that thought. Of course, I wasn’t sure if I’d have any students to teach, but either way I needed to get away for a bit.

“I’ve got to get ready for my class,” I unbuckled my seatbelt but Lou laid a hand on my arm as I opened the door.

“Yuri, I’m serious. You need to talk to him.”

Shrugging, I stepped out of the car. “Thanks for the ride, Lou. I’ll see you ’round.”

* * *

I arrived early at the studio. No one else was scheduled to have class for the rest of the day, so it was nice and quiet instead of the bustle it usually was. And my day really needed a bit of quiet. I secretly hoped that the kids wouldn’t show up so that I could have the studio all to myself. It would be good to get in some uninterrupted dance practice.

Entering the classroom however, I was surprised to see that Liam, Michael, and even Alice were already there sitting on the floor stretching quietly. As soon as I walked in they scrambled up and went immediately to the barre. 

Alright then. Not a bad start.

They eyed me silently, standing still, not making a sound while I took a minute to set up the music and change into my dance shoes before finally facing them. 

“I’m glad to see you all made it. I take it since you’re here, you are ready to work hard.” 

Small nods from Alice and Michael, and a quiet “Yes, sir,” from Liam.

Although they seemed willing, I wanted to see how far I could really push them. Sure enough, the sniffles started the more I focused on correcting their technique throughout the class. 

“No, you still aren’t getting it!” I said to Alice, exasperated as I bent down to place her foot the right way as we went through a series of _rond de jambes._ “Your foot still needs to be turned out even when it’s behind you.”

“I’m trying Mr. Plisetsky! Stop yelling at me!” Alice stomped her foot in frustration, then looked at me with wide eyes, immediately remorseful. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Are you going to kick me out of your class?” She looked on the edge of crying, lip quivering. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the other two were just as anxious.

Standing, I went to put my hand on her shoulder but she flinched away. Thinking back to my first class with them I felt a prick of guilt. Grabbing Alice by the face and yelling at her probably hadn't been the best way to build trust. I remembered when Victor did that to me. I was only fifteen and the world’s biggest brat, but I had never been so scared of him as I was when he held my face, hand shaking, not saying a word. It wasn’t often, if ever, that Victor Nikiforov lost his temper, but I was the one who just about pushed him over that edge. 

Looking down at Alice, I realized I didn’t want to be like that. Yakov never scared me, even for all his yelling. Lilia never scared me. She was tough as nails, but I also remember other moments. Moments like when she would do my hair for competitions, her hands saying what she often couldn’t verbalize. That I was doing a good job. That she cared.

Of course, Victor had grown too. He never let his temper slip around me again. Now, when Victor would praise me or even just rest a hand on my shoulder, it made me want to be better. Make him proud.

Kneeling down in front of Alice, slowly raising my hand, I patted her lightly on the arm. The tears she had been holding back started to stream down her face.

“No, Alice, I’m not going to kick you out,” I said softly, then looked at the boys. “I’m not going to kick any of you out. You guys came today and that took a lot of guts. I appreciate that you decided to trust me to teach you. I want to work just as hard as you and be the best teacher I can be for you.” I reached up and wiped Alice’s face. “Sometimes this will be hard, and it’s okay to cry and get mad if you’re frustrated. I cried and yelled a lot at my teachers, too. But it will be worth it, I promise. Come sit down everyone. Let’s do some floor work.”

They all gathered around me in a circle on the floor. I talked to them about what the different exercises were aiming to strengthen and how the stronger they got the easier certain moves would become, especially once they got older. Before long they were peppering me with more questions than I could keep track of. Class essentially ended, with the kids sitting close as I talked about training in Russia when I was their age.

“Speak some Russian for us!” Michael enthused. 

_“Chto ty khochesh', chtoby ya skazal?”_

“Whoa,” his eyes got big. “That’s so cool.”

“What does that mean?” Liam asked. 

“I only asked what you wanted me to say,” I grinned. “But how about, _segodnya u vas vse bylo khorosho v klasse._ You all did very well in class today.”

The kids looked at me with such admiration it made me a little nervous. I wasn’t used to kids liking me at all.

Alice asked, “Will you show us some of your dancing, Mr. Plisetsky?” The boys nodded their enthusiastic agreement.

“Sure, okay. But only if you guys call me Yuri. 'Mr. Plisetsky' makes me feel old.” 

“But you _are_ old,” Alice said, then clamped her hands over her mouth. “Sorry, I know old people don’t like to be called old.”

My tone turned serious. “You’re absolutely right, Alice. Don’t let it happen again.” She stiffened until I gave her a wink. It took her a minute to realize I was kidding, and I was a little worried I'd screwed up again. But then she relaxed and beamed a huge smile at me. Liam let out a loud guffaw breaking the silence, then we all broke out into laughter.

Once the laughter died down some, I began showing them some typical ballet moves set to one of the movements from _Romeo and Juliette_. They oohed and ahhed. It felt good to dance again like this. But my body wanted more, so I put on the song I had been working on with Victor. Dancing to it off the ice gave it a new dimension of feeling. The moves needed to really stretch out to be seamless, taking even more skill to control. Ah. _This_ was how I would improve my technique beyond what even Victor could teach me on the ice.

“Wow,” Alice said after I finished. The others hummed in agreement. “You’re really good Mr. Plise— I mean, um, Yuri. But you seemed so sad when you were dancing.”

Sitting back among the kids, throwing my legs into splits to stretch out, I said, “The thing with dancing or skating is to take the things you feel deep inside and let your body do the talking.”

“So deep inside you feel sad?” she pressed.

Oh boy, I didn’t want to go into this with them. How do you explain things like the drama I was going through with JJ to kids? “Don’t worry about it guys.”

“But _why_ are you sad?” Liam scooted closer to me, putting his hand on my knee. Michael and Alice looked up at me as well. I felt like I was being attacked by three puppies.

“Well,” I sighed, leaning forward on my elbows, “I made someone I love upset and he doesn’t want to see me right now.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Alice leaned back and I couldn’t help but blink at her and laugh a little. 

“ _Really?_ Do tell.”

“One time I made my sister so mad she didn’t talk to me for a whole week! So I left notes under her door every day telling her I was sorry. She finally came out when I made her cookies.”

I doubted baking cookies would help me with JJ, but it was a nice sentiment. 

“Thanks, Alice. I'll think about it.” 

A couple of parents poked their heads into the room.

“Looks like that’s it for class today. Now, I expect you to stretch a lot this week. And I want you guys to really work on your turnout the _right_ way. It doesn’t count if your feet turnout without your knees. No cheating.”

They all started to leave, but Alice hung back while I gathered my things and changed back into my street shoes. I stood and looked over at her.

“Everything alright, Alice?”

Without saying a word she gave me a quick hug before darting out the door.

* * *

Sitting in my car across the street from JJ’s apartment building, the paper in my hand was getting wrinkled and warped in my sweaty hands as I re-read my note for the umpteenth time.

_Hey J,  
I just wanted to reach out and say hi since it’s been a few weeks since we’ve talked. I know you wanted some space, so I hope this is okay. There will be a preview for the ice show next week, and it would be great to see you there. I think the kids I’ve been teaching will do alright. I can get you the details — or Chris can if you’d rather. Either way, I hope you can make it._

_Take care,  
Yuri_

I couldn’t believe it had come to this — taking advice from a twelve-year-old. How desperate was I? Apparently, very. On the seat next to me was a gift bag where I’d stuffed a small lion plushie I’d purchased. It had a purple crown on its head that read “King.” So cheesy, but if it would bridge the divide between us… I hoped it would be enough to get JJ to talk to me.

Lou was right of course — I just needed to reach out to him. When did I turn into such a chickenshit? I had let this whole “I need space” thing go on for far too long. If only we could just talk we could work things out. Start fresh.

So that was my plan. Leave the gift. Follow up with a text. Give another gift. Flowers maybe? Be persistent. Hell, I was even ready to try cookies. Anything that let JJ know I was here for him. That I was serious.

It was turning into early evening and I needed to deliver the gift soon while he was still out at practice. Lou said he’d been practicing late most days. Shoving the note in the bag and taking a breath, I opened the car door and got out. Before I made another step though, JJ’s car pulled up to the building. _Shit,_ I was too late.

Standing in place, I watched him emerge from his car. God, he looked good. How did I forget how gorgeous he was? My stomach began doing flips, chest tightening while my heart pounded so loudly I couldn't hear anything around me. I clutched the bag tightly and felt it tear some. There he was, less than 30 meters away. So close. So close.

Here’s your chance, dummy. You wanted to talk to JJ? Well, there he is. Just walk over there. Just walk across the damn street and go talk to him. Give him the gift. You don’t even have to say much. Just hand it to him and leave if it gets awkward.

I could feel my window of opportunity closing as the seconds ticked by. I took a step forward, and another. Then, JJ walked around the car and opened the passenger door. He held out his hand to someone. A slender hand slipped into it, and I watched in shock as _Izzy_ stepped out. 

I froze.

What. The. _Fuck._

Before I could take a breath a car honked loudly and swerved around me. It was only then I realized I was standing in the middle of the street, halfway to JJ. At the loud noise he looked over, eyes widening as he locked gazes with mine. Another car blared its horn at me, jolting me back to awareness. JJ darted forward, but I scrambed out of the way just in time, feeling the whoosh of the car passing, too close for comfort. 

Then I was running, jumping in my car and gunning it, cutting off a large truck, another angry horn blasting at me. Speeding away I noticed that I was still gripping that stupid bag. A scream shook through me as I threw it out the window. I could barely see straight, but with one last look in the rearview mirror I saw JJ’s figure still standing on the curb staring after me, Isabella tugging on his arm. He remained there however, not moving, silhouette growing smaller and smaller until he vanished from my view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright everyone, I'm so glad I was able to get this chapter out pretty quickly. Now things are speeding up to some pretty big collisions! What will happen next??


	10. Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Yo!” I called to the bartender, tapping the counter loudly with my glass. The bartender heaved a sigh but he seemed to read my mood, not saying anything when I handed him my glass, refilling it quickly._
> 
> _I took another large swallow._
> 
> _My mind started swirling with more images of JJ helping Izzy out of his car, smiling down at her. Maybe I had just been deluding myself this whole time, thinking that JJ had feelings for me. He did tell me when we started hanging out that he would go back to Izzy in a heartbeat. Was this why he said he didn’t want to be with me? After all, we weren’t supposed to really be dating. It was all just temporary. He must have been planning to go back to Izzy all along. And I was just in the way, an inconvenient thing that happened. What a fucking fool I was._
> 
> ***

“Lou, what the _fucking hell_!” I pulled to a sudden stop in front of the nearest bar I could find as I yelled into the phone. “You said he wasn’t dating. That he wouldn’t start dating. Well, news flash. He _is_ dating. Not only that, he’s back with _Izzy_!”

Lou was trying to explain, but I didn’t want to hear any of her bullshit. She was still talking when I hung up. 

Pushing through the door the bar was dark and small, a Heineken neon sign flickered on the back wall. The air smelled of musty wood, a haze of dust shimmering in the last light of day. The bartender was the only one inside, dumping ice into a big bucket. I stomped over to the bar, sitting on the far side. The guy looked at me but took his damn time finishing up his prep before finally coming over.

“Double vodka.”

This was shit. It was all shit. I couldn’t even process what I had just witnessed. Izzy? Fucking _Izzy_? How could JJ even think of going back to her? She had left him to deal with everything on his own! After all that time together and after all JJ had been through she had still left. Just because someone was with you for a long time didn’t mean shit. Beka and I were a prime example. Time had eroded things between us instead of making them stronger. But it wasn’t until I started hanging out with JJ that I realized how fucked up things had been with us.

JJ had done that for me. Showed me what it felt like to have someone care again, to have someone understand. And it was the same for me. Izzy didn’t care about JJ. Not like I did. I was the one that understood him, understood that hurt, being left on your own. We only had each other. 

Why the _hell_ couldn’t he see it?

“Yo!” I called to the bartender, tapping the counter loudly with my glass. The bartender heaved a sigh but he seemed to read my mood, not saying anything when I handed him my glass, refilling it quickly.

I took another large swallow. 

My mind started swirling with more images of JJ helping Izzy out of his car, smiling down at her. Maybe I had just been deluding myself this whole time, thinking that JJ had feelings for me. He did tell me when we started hanging out that he would go back to Izzy in a heartbeat. Was this why he said he didn’t want to be with me? After all, we weren’t supposed to really be dating. It was all just temporary. He must have been planning to go back to Izzy all along. And I was just in the way, an inconvenient thing that happened. What a fucking fool I was.

The night dragged on and I continued to brood in the corner. A heavy metal band set up and started playing, their music hard and grating as they screamed out their songs. The bar started to fill up, the small space crammed tight with bodies making the air thick. Soon I was close to the stage drink in hand, eyes closed, letting their loud music surround me, rocking to the hard beat. My head felt dizzy, but I wasn’t feeling like my heart was being wrenched in two. In fact, I wasn’t really feeling anything at all, which was fine with me.

I sensed eyes on me and looked over to the bar. Dark eyes watched me. The guy was hot, dark hair, and a look that screamed danger. The intensity of his gaze told me he was only watching me with one intention. ‘Eye fucking’ as Lou had called it. Well, no one else seemed to want to fuck me, so this guy could ‘eye fuck’ me all he wanted. I exaggerated my moves, arching my back, stretching my arms above me, letting him look his fill.

Soon he stalked over. Hands snuck around my waist, started moving over my hips. Leaning back against a broad chest I closed my eyes and let myself be enveloped. Then those hands tightened on my hips, pulling me back. The guy ground into me and I felt hardness grow behind me. I pressed against him, circling my hips, a rush surging through me knowing that I could at least still have this effect on someone.

A hand snaked around my throat, turning my head, and before I knew it his mouth covered mine in a demanding kiss, tongue thrust in roughly. This wasn’t the right mouth, the slow sensual tongue I craved though. It felt all wrong.

“Get off me.” I pushed the body away and turned to leave.

“Where do you think you’re going, bitch? You can’t tease me like that and expect to just walk away.” His grip tightened on my arm, pulling me back to him, mouth kissing me sloppily again. 

That was it. I’d about had it with everything. 

“Fucking let me go!” All my anger, all my frustration landed with a satisfying smack as my fist hit the dude right in the jaw, watching him stumble back a few feet. Now freed from his grip, I turned to make my way back toward the bar.

He was quicker at recovering than I expected though, and I was pulled back around feeling a crack on my face. My nose started gushing blood. Then I felt a jab of pain in my side and bent over. 

Seeing another punch coming for my face I braced for the impact but was surprised to find it missed its connection as I was yanked back. 

“Hey! Hey! Stop that right now!”

I looked over and was surprised to see a small woman pushing the taller guy back and staring him down as he was frozen mid-pose to strike again. 

“Oh, don’t you even dare, André,” she said.

The dude, André, glared back, but after a tense moment, his fist fell. Though he was far from pacified as he towered over the woman, closing the gap between them, yelling directly in her face.

“Tell that to that bitch! He’s the one who threw the first punch. You saw.”

The woman didn’t move an inch. In fact she moved even closer, “You bet I saw everything. Stop taking advantage of pretty boys.” 

“That slut’s the one who was flirting and grinding on me. He can’t just walk away after giving me a hard-on like that.”

“Oh, yes he can. Besides, he’s drunk off his ass, and so are you,” she shoved a hand in his chest, pushing him back. “Now, get out of here before I call the cops. You know I will, and you’ll find your ass thrown in jail — _again._ ”

This André seemed to need to consider that for a moment, before yelling back at the woman, “You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you and that bitch!” He turned, pushing his way roughly through the crowd as he left.

Now that the fight was over the crowd that had been watching the standoff intently went back to rocking out to the music, as if nothing had happened at all.

The woman pulled me back toward the bar, shoving a towel in my face then turned to me, “Yuri, what are you doing here?”

“Who the hell are you?” I said into the towel.

“Figures,” she mumbled. “We met at the movies a while ago. Paige.” I stared blankly at her and she exhaled, annoyed. “I know Kayla and Beka. I’m the manager here.”

“Whatever.”

She rolled her eyes as she pushed my head down. “Stay down. The bleeding should stop soon.” I stayed slumped over like that until the band finished their last song. The crowd thinned out and soon it was just the band packing up, talking and laughing with Paige and the other bartender. I didn’t pay them much attention, just tried to keep my head from spinning and the blood from flowing. 

Finally, Paige came over. The blood had stopped and the towel was starting to get dry and crusty. “Better?”

Nodding, I sat back up. But then the room started spinning, and oh, yep, I leaned back over and threw up.

“Jesus Christ, Yuri!” Paige left for the back room, reappearing with a mop and bucket. She started cleaning up my mess, while I leaned my head back down on the counter and moaned. “You’re quite a piece of work, aren’t you? No wonder Beka left you for Kayla.”

“Fuck you,” I muttered. 

“Who can I call for you?”

I put my head in my arms and slurred, “No one. No one wants me. Just leave me the fuck alone. Everyone else does. Everyone leaves. But you know what. Fuck them. I don’t need them. I’m just fucking fine.”

Paige left and I stayed slumped against the counter. I must have dozed off, because the next thing I felt were arms around me on either side, holding me up and forcing me to walk.

“Leavemealone,” I mumbled, feeling suddenly chilly, hearing noises of cars. Then, I felt something cold and smooth against my cheek and seemed to be laying down. Opening my eyes, there were two people sitting in front of me. They looked familiar, but I couldn’t make them out before I blacked out completely.

* * *

Waking up with a jolt I felt my stomach heave. A small trash can suddenly appeared as I quickly sat up and folded forward, throwing up again. 

“Here,” a glass was pressed to my lips, cool water entering my mouth. “Rinse. Spit.”

The voice was comforting and familiar, and I blindly followed its directions. Then another glass was at my mouth. “Slowly now, take a sip.” It tasted sweet and a little odd. But it didn’t make me want to hurl. Too soon the glass was gone.

Laying back down, I closed my eyes. A blanket tucked around me and I fell back asleep.

I had no idea how long I slept, but when I woke up it was pretty bright outside even though the curtains were closed. There were sounds of people talking and moving about in another room.

Looking up from the couch I was laying on, I moaned. First, because I felt like shit. But also because I knew whose flat this was. 

“How are you feeling?” Beka came into view and sat down by my feet on the sofa.

I only buried my face in a pillow and groaned. He hummed his low laugh. Slowly, I shifted so I was sitting up. “How drunk did I get?”

“Remember your eighteenth birthday party?”

“Shit, yeah.” 

“Well, it’s about three times that, plus you got your nose busted.” I brought a hand up to my face, gingerly touching my nose, feeling a bandage there. “Kayla taped it up for you. She did the best she could. You kept swatting her away.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled, not sure what else to say seeing as the last time we were together I had told Beka that Kayla was a slut and had to deal with _his_ fist. Shame washed over me. Despite all of that he still had come to help me last night, and was now caring for me through my hangover. “I’m sorry Beka. I’m sorry for what I said about her.”

“It’s okay, Yura,” he said softly, turning away. “I’m sorry too, for hitting you. I never should've done that.”

“No, Beka, I deserved it.” 

“No, you didn’t,” he protested strongly. “No matter how angry I was you never deserved to be hit.”

But I knew better. The fact that I could drive Beka — calm, even-tempered Beka — to his edge, just like I did with Victor, made me see that perhaps there was a common factor in all of this. And that common factor was _me._ I always pushed people to their limits of what they could tolerate with my attitude. Perhaps that was the true reason why JJ chose Izzy instead of me. 

I kept my head down, “It’s me. I’m the one that drives people away. I’m an asshole. I’m selfish and hot-tempered. I know that’s why things didn’t work out for us.” _And why things didn’t work out with JJ,_ I didn’t say.

Beka sighed quietly, moving his hand over my knee. “Oh, Yura, if you are, it’s only because of me. You were so young when we started dating. I had been in love with you for so long before we even met. I'm sure I put a lot of expectations on you in the relationship. It wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry because back then _I_ was the selfish asshole. You were young and vulnerable, and I took advantage of that.”

Beka then got up and sat next to me. I didn’t realize that tears had started to fall. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling my head down. 

I shuddered in his embrace and continued to cry, whispering into his shoulder, “I worshiped you, Beka. The fact that you wanted to be with me… no one had stayed with me before. Mom left. Victor left. Grandpa wasn’t always able to be there.” 

Beka pulled me closer, “I’m so sorry, Yura, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I felt his tears fall against my head. 

My arms tightened around him. “I guess I was just waiting for you to finally leave too, and just pushed and pushed to see when you would. I brought this on myself.”

“No, no, it was my fault too,” he murmured into my hair, voice rough with emotion.

We stayed like that, quietly crying over what we had lost with each other until a soft voice entered the room. “How about having some food, guys?”

I turned to see Kayla in the doorway. Shifting out of Beka’s arms I said, “I’m sorry, Kayla, this isn’t what you think.”

She laughed quietly, “I know.” Then coming over, she knelt next to us. “I know you guys have a lot of history. I’ve actually been waiting for you both to finally have a good cry over what happened between you two. I’m relieved it finally happened.”

Beka and I just looked at her and blinked, causing her to laugh again. “Both of your faces right now are so priceless. Paige,” she called back over her shoulder, “come in here and see how much I’ve shocked Beka and Yuri!”

Paige entered and she and Kayla had a good laugh at our shocked state. Normally, that would have pissed me off to no end, but I was so tired of being mad at people I just leaned my head back on Beka’s shoulder and laughed along with them. It _was_ pretty funny actually, Beka and I crying like babies over our breakup. 

I apologized to Paige for last night, to which she replied, “Nothing I haven’t dealt with before, Yuri. You’re not the first, and you won’t be the last.” But that seemed to be the end of her ire with me.

Moving was still something that took an effort for me, so Kayla and Paige brought in some cold chicken with veggies and dip, along with a horrible tomato drink Paige mixed for me to help clear my head. 

As we ate, Paige kept us laughing with horror stories from the bar, and I told them about my class and the kids and the upcoming ice show, which seemed to soften Paige even more towards me — “So sweet! Why are all the good ones gay?” to which I wrapped an arm around her, leaned close and said, “Just the good figure skaters, honey.” She moaned and jabbed me in the side as we all laughed some more.

Paige promised that she would come to the preview of the show with Kayla and Beka, before leaving for the evening. I resettled back on the couch after Kayla rebandaged my nose. Both she and Beka kissed me on the cheek before turning in, Beka placing a hand on my face, smiling softly. I sighed. Things had shifted for us. There was part of me that would always miss what we had, and grieve that we couldn’t be what we needed for each other. But at the same time, perhaps this was better. 

For the first time in months the vice on my heart had loosened and I felt I could finally breathe. And although I wasn’t sure what would happen with JJ, my anger and hurt over seeing him with Izzy had dulled some. 

When Beka dropped me off at the townhouse the next morning I gave him a huge hug. He held me tightly before getting back in his car. Once inside, I saw Yuuri sitting by the window drinking his morning tea. He smiled over at me, trying not to smirk.

“I know what you’re going to say,” I said to him.

“Do you now?” he looked out the window as Beka drove away, sipping his tea again. I sat down next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder.

“Yeah. You’re going to tell me how good it is that I’ve worked through my breakup with Beka and that I’ll be a better person for this experience and blah, blah, blah.”

I felt his quiet laughter. “Well, you’re not wrong.” He put an arm around my waist. “I know right now it’s hard because you’re not with anyone, but you’re in a really good place. You and Beka started dating when you were so young, you really didn’t have a chance to grow up and discover who you were on your own, outside of a relationship. And I wasn’t there for you back then. I was too wrapped up in my relationship with Victor. It was selfish and I’m sorry.”

“Yuuri, you’re about the least selfish person I know. It’s fine.”

“No, everyone can be selfish — even me,” he turned to me, winked. I rolled my eyes. “Sometimes it’s so hard to look beyond what we are going through to see that others are going through their own hurts as well. But despite my mistakes, you have grown so much. You are an amazing person, Yu-chan. It’s time for you to see that for yourself. Take this time you have to fall in love with yourself.”

That seemed weird. I was used to loving other people. Beka. JJ. Even Yuuri and Victor. But myself? I wasn’t really sure what Yuuri meant, but right now I didn’t need to think about it too much. 

For this moment, I just wanted to relax into this feeling. I didn’t realize how much anger I’d been holding inside all these years. If felt good to put it down, even for a day. I didn’t know what would happen after today, how I would move forward without Beka or JJ in my life. And yet, watching the sunrise with Yuuri I knew that I didn’t have to have all the answers right now. And that somehow, in the long run, I would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, after all that heartache, I figured it was time for a breather — and nothing like some Yuri and Beka healing to soothe the soul. 
> 
> But the question I know you all have is, will JJ and Yuri actually work things out too??? Never fear, the next chapter is already underway, so I hope to have it up soon! (And it will FINALLY feature more JJ and Yuri!!!)
> 
> Music! The band Yuri was listening to had a [Crossfade](https://open.spotify.com/album/1namjaJZ23ozXXB7X2d4hy?si=MXdI6Bc3SzyM55cjhTkWrw)-feel. They aren't really heavy metal, but I listened to them a lot while writing this chapter.
> 
> Yuri's theme song for this chapter is ["Finest Hour" by Cash Cash feat. Abir](https://open.spotify.com/track/0p0ljM6RxgpGt7wthGqBZa?si=2tiLONz0R5edrnSNxOntFg).
> 
> And Yuri and Otabek's song for this chapter was [Theory of a Deadman's "Angel."](https://open.spotify.com/track/2qJkesdHu9sMMVFgkRkqhQ?si=IewLjcSdQkmXTDr0PEgkAg)


	11. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Despite my best efforts, I’d been caught up in the maelstrom that was the Victor-shit-show of last-minute dress rehearsals and choreography changes for the ice show. I had spent the majority of my class yesterday dealing with meltdowns by both Alice and Michael after Victor had presented yet another change to the ensemble’s skating routine — having woken up with some “brilliant idea that will absolutely make the show” — and not-so-gently reminded him last night that the preview was only two fucking days away._
> 
> _“I bet you’re looking forward to next month when this is all over,” Phichit laughed._
> 
> _“Ha, I’m counting the days, Phich,” I said, letting my head fall back, eyes closing._
> 
> _“I’ll miss hanging out with you when you’re gone.”_
> 
> _“What do you mean?”_
> 
> ***

The deluge of freezing rain came out of nowhere as the kids and I ran from the metro station to the rink. Of _fucking_ course. Just add it to the list of things that were going crazy this week. 

Despite my best efforts, I’d been caught up in the maelstrom that was the Victor-shit-show of last-minute dress rehearsals and choreography changes for the ice show. I had spent the majority of my class yesterday dealing with meltdowns by both Alice and Michael after Victor had presented yet _another_ change to the ensemble’s skating routine — having woken up with some “brilliant idea that will absolutely make the show” — and not-so-gently reminded him last night that the preview was only _two fucking days away._

And today? This was the third time change that Victor had given for rehearsal. I’d gotten the text in the middle of my class that the ensemble was rehearsing in a half an hour — on the other side of town. The kids didn’t blink an eye when I let out a loud “FUCK!” as we scrambled to throw on our street shoes and catch the next metro. Then right as we slid through the doors Liam’s bag got caught, all of us barely managing to pry the doors open enough to pull it through before the train started moving. I had been bracing for Liam’s inevitable breakdown as well and figured this might just be the thing to push him over, but what started as a sob was swallowed back into a single hiccup. The kid had been holding strong. So far.

The moment we were outside the station sheets of rain descended on us. Alice yelled out her own “Fuck!” and I didn’t even care. The rink was only two blocks away but it didn’t matter. By the time we ran through the doors, with our jackets held pointlessly above our heads, the four of us were completely soaked, the chill of the ice hitting us like a wall. 

The kids shivered uncontrollably as I pulled them all into the men’s locker room, meeting Phichit inside with a stack of towels to help them dry off. Alice started to protest, teeth chattering loudly — “bu-u-ut this is the _boys’_ ro-o-om” — but her objections died pretty quickly once she was wrapped in towels and I started blowdrying her entire body with the one hairdryer I had miraculously found. I was already planning ways to kill Victor slowly if they all got hypothermia.

“So,” Phichit laughed as we rushed the kids out of the locker room and they ran as quickly as they could in their skate guards over to the ice, “are you enjoying your week off training?”

My eyes narrowed and I growled, “If Victor changes another rehearsal I’m going to murder him.” I watched the kids skate over to the group that was getting grilled by Victor, praying to god they were dry enough. “You think by now he’d have this shit down.”

“Oh, silly boy,” Phichit tsked, “it’s the other way around. Time to adapt to Victor’s ‘inspired’ dress rehearsal schedule.” He brought up his hands to air quote.

“You mean ‘clusterfucked’ rehearsal schedule?” I returned his air quotes, rolling my eyes.

Phichit and I then went and sat down as Victor finished talking to the skaters. Soon they were all in starting positions. Hallelujah, he didn’t seem to be adding any new choreography. Watching Alice, Liam, and Michael in the group holding their own as the routine started filled me with a sense of pride. I knew Phichit was watching them intently too, eyes focused, nodding now and again as they went through the routine. Sure there were plenty of technical mistakes but I tamped down the urge to take the kids back to the studio immediately after rehearsal and drill them on the list that I couldn’t help but catalog in my mind. 

They were already so stretched thin with everything Victor had thrown at them I would just be happy if they made it through all the performances in one piece. Luckily, the performance schedule wasn’t too grueling. Every weekend for a month and just a handful of matinee shows. The kids should be able to make it through. But it would test them to see if they were really cut out for this path.

“I bet you’re looking forward to next month when this is all over.”

“Ha, I’m counting the days, Phich,” I said, letting my head fall back, eyes closing.

“I’ll miss hanging out with you when you’re gone.”

“What do you mean?” I quirked a brow.

“I mean when you guys go back home.”

The word stuck in my throat. “ _Home_?” 

“Yeah, you know, Russia? The place you got that funny accent from?” Phichit chuckled and elbowed me. “I know Yuuri is pretty anxious to be back in St. Petersburg. He’s already been shipping stuff back.”

Unthinking, I clutched the seat and I couldn’t seem to breathe for a moment. 

_No._

I had completely forgotten that this was the plan — had been the plan all along when Victor was offered the contract for this show and dragged me here, practically against my will, six months ago. Even when I had begged Beka to come, part of convincing him was the fact that it would only be for a few months. Being in Montreal was only temporary.

Of course, it shouldn’t matter. It wasn’t like there was anything to hold me here. Not really.

Beka was now settling in with his life with Kayla. And JJ… well. It seemed he was back with Isabella. And once I returned with Yuuri and Victor to St. Petersburg my contact with him would slip back to how it used to be, where I would only see him at a competition here and there. My heart sunk at the prospect. 

I didn’t know how I could go back to being like that with JJ again.

Speaking of the devil, Yuuri peeked his head through the doors looking a bit frazzled. On seeing me he hurried in, “Yu-chan, oh good, you’re here!”

I groaned. What now?

“Can you take the rest of my classes again this afternoon? I’m not even going to pretend that Victor won’t have this rehearsal last the rest of the day.” 

Like he had anyone else he could ask. Yuuri hadn’t shown his face in the studio all week and I had become his de facto stand-in. I soon realized that I was the only one that wasn’t involved in the ice show around here. Well, me and JJ. 

I let out a big exhale. I wanted to confront Yuuri about his already moving us back to Russia without even mentioning it at all, but now clearly wasn’t the time.

“Of course,” I waved him away. “Go. I’ve got you covered.”

He sighed in relief then squeezed my arm once before rushing away. Exhaling I gathered my things to head back to the studio. Survive this stupid show first, then worry about the rest of my life.

* * *

I was already sweating with the heat of the afternoon even though I had just started moving. Phichit and I had decided to squeeze in a quick run before the preview show tonight. Notwithstanding our mini flood yesterday, the sun was in full force today. No clouds, just bright sun beating down on us. I hadn’t bothered with a shirt and could already feel my shoulders getting pink. Well, it would just have to be a quick run. Better to burn off this anxious energy I was feeling anyway.

I picked up the pace and Phichit yelled out “Hey!” as he hurried to keep up. I only laughed and ran faster. Soon enough he and I were neck and neck, racing through the park near his flat. Rounding the next corner I was able to edge ahead, crowing as I turned and flipped him off. But then I was practically bowled over by a large lumbering Husky coming the other way. The dog and I became a tangled mess, the leash somehow twisting between my legs. 

“Whoa! Watch out!” the owner cried out. 

It was too late though. I started falling forward but a strong grip on my arm prevented my inevitable fall. I was about to give the asshole a piece of my mind until I saw that it was that dumb detective from JJ’s stalker case. 

“Detective?” Before he could respond his dog lept up on me, slobbering all over my face. Gross. I couldn’t stand dogs. This is why I had grown up with a cat. I pushed the dog off me roughly. 

“Kuma down!” The detective finally managed to untangle me from the leash and pull his dog back. “Sorry! He doesn’t usually act like this. He must really like you, Mr. Plisetsky.”

“Mr. Plisetsky?” Phichit pulled up to us, snickering. 

Great, I wasn’t going to live that down. I shot him a glare, then waved to the detective, “This is the guy that’s working on JJ’s stalking case.” 

Detective Martel was trying to hold down his stupid dog from jumping on me again. “Hi,” he nodded to Phichit and they introduced themselves. Phichit looked the detective over slowly then gave me a sly look which I ignored. Thankfully, the detective hadn't noticed Phichit checking him out. Phichit asked about the stalking case, cutting me off as I began to give him the rundown, asking the detective to explain what had happened instead. Phichit's overt flirting irritated the shit out of me. What in the world did he see in _this_ guy?

“You haven’t heard anything else from Miss Grenier, have you Mr. Plisetsky?” Detective Martel turned to me.

Phichit giggled and mouthed _“Mr. Plisetsky,”_ unsuccessfully hiding his smile behind his hand.

“You know, you can just call me Yuri,” I said shortly to the detective. “You’re like my age. It just feels weird when you call me Mr. Plisetsky. How long have you been a police officer anyway?”

He laughed, “Sure Yuri. You can call me Logan then. And I’m actually thirty — I just have one of those perpetually young baby faces.”

Well, that was true. The guy didn’t look more than twenty with his strawberry blonde hair that was cut short and preppy-like, fair skin and freckles. He looked like an overgrown Boy Scout.

“That must suck.”

“It’s a blessing and a curse,” he chuckled again.

“I’ll bet,” Phichit winked at Logan, who just gave him an innocent smile back. 

Yeah, this guy was straight as an arrow and pretty clueless to Phichit’s overtures. I again wondered how he could help on JJ’s case if he was this oblivious in life.

Phichit moved in closer to the detective, “So _Logan,_ maybe you should come to the preview tonight. Make sure JJ’s stalker doesn’t show up.”

“Wait,” I asked, putting my hands on my hips. “Why would she?”

Turning back to me, Phichit turned red and bit his lip. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. Chris invited JJ to come tonight.”

My stomach dropped down to my feet. 

“ _What_? Why would you do that without asking me?”

“You’ve been dying to talk to him again — admit it. And I figured you wouldn’t ask him, so I told Chris to invite him.”

I mean, I had originally had the same plan, but that was before… 

“I wish to fuck you’d stop meddling, Phich,” I looked down, shaking my head, voice lowering. “He’s back with Isabella.”

Phichit and Logan both reacted with an “Oh shit!” and “Really?”

“Yeah. No one really knows yet. But I saw them together last week.”

Phichit immediately put his arm around me. “I’m sorry Yuri, I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Logan looked sympathetic as well. “Well, perhaps I should come to this show tonight.”

I shrugged. Why couldn’t this damn ice show be simple? Now I’d have to worry about running into JJ and Isabella along with all the other shit. I took a deep breath and stepped out of Phichit’s arm.

“We should get going,” I said, trying to ignore the look Phichit and Logan gave each other. A look that said _Yuri’s probably going to lose it._ Ouch. Was I really that predictable? That thought made me just as sad as all this shit with the show and JJ.

“Okay,” Logan said, patting me lightly on the arm. “I’ll see you tonight.”

Logan left and Phichit and I turned and started jogging back. 

“Hey, you okay?”

“Not really,” I replied.

Phichit frowned. I knew he was more worried about how I was going to react to his mistake than the actual mistake itself. I sighed. I hated that this was how he saw me. How pretty much everyone saw me. _Yuri Plisetsky, the hothead. Don’t piss him off or you’ll be sorry._

But it was precisely that attitude that lost me the two guys I cared the most about.

I stopped and grabbed Phichit by the arm. “Listen Phich, I’ll deal with it. I know I haven’t been the best at handling things in the past, but you've been a really good friend putting up with my shit.” 

He smiled at me and sighed. “Thanks. But I am sorry for butting in.” 

I sighed back. “Yeah, I know. This whole situation with JJ really sucks. A lot. But it is what it is. I'd be seeing him again sooner or later anyway. I mean, it's not like I won’t run into him at competition.” 

That thought struck a deep chord and a few tears leaked out. I turned and started walking.

“What _really_ happened between you two?” Phichit caught up and I quickly wiped my tears away. “I've never seen you like this over anyone, not even Beka.” 

“Oh, Phich...” Too much. And not enough. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Okay, I get it.” He draped his arm around my shoulders again as we walked. “Just know that when you want to talk about it I’m here. Seriously, Yuri. I’ve got you. And I’ll be there tonight of course, whatever happens. Just say the word.”

I nodded. It was funny how life could throw you shit but also give you people to help deal with that shit. I wish I had realized that sooner. Life sure would have been much easier to handle.

I was now just starting to see how many people had my back, were here supporting me. But when I thought about seeing JJ again tonight — probably with Isabella on his arm — I wondered _would it be enough?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter has been so late coming! And I know I promised it would have more JJ and Yuri, but the chapter was getting so long I decided to split it up. The JJ stuff is in the next chapter I SWEAR!!! I'm halfway done writing it, so fingers crossed I'll have it up in the next week or so!
> 
> Don't hate me! (>o<)


	12. Holding Tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I found myself staring into those big, beautiful, blue eyes I missed so much. JJ gave me a small smile and it was as if all the weeks since I’d seen him disappeared. My heart stopped and for a moment it was just us again._  
>   
>  _“Hi, Yuré.”_  
>   
>  ***

It was complete chaos backstage as I entered the rink that night and tried to locate Phichit and the kids. I spent a good ten minutes searching before I spotted a dark arm bouncing and waving high above the crowd at the end of a long row of makeshift makeup stations. Making my way slowly through the sea of skaters I saw that Phichit had Michael and Alice tucked in close to keep from losing them in the crowd. They seemed calm but their eyes said it all. They were freaking out.

“Have you seen Liam yet?” Phichit called out as I approached.

“No, but I’m sure he’s here somewh—oof!” The breath was knocked out of me as the two kids launched themselves at me. Putting my arms around them I gave them a tight hug. “Hey guys.”

“I’m going to go see if I can find him,” Phichit said as soon as the kids were safe with me. “You can take them where they need to meet up with Yuuri, right?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll take it from here.”

Phichit quickly left, much more adept at maneuvering through the crowd than I had been, and was soon out of sight. Alice and Michael continued to cling to me like they were two additional limbs on my body. I shuffled us awkwardly over to the side where I could talk to them and hopefully calm their nerves.

“It’s going to be okay guys,” I smiled at them and wiggled to loosen their hold on me somewhat. Crouching down I took their hands in mine and squeezed. They looked down at me, eyes wide with trepidation, faces pale.

“Now, remember this first show is just a preview, so there’s no pressure here. It’s really just like a dress rehearsal but in front of a very friendly audience so that everyone can get out all the jitters. And _all_ the skaters here have them. So, it’s totally normal to be nervous. But you guys are going to do great. Don’t think too much about it. Just go out and skate and enjoy yourselves, alright?” 

They threw their arms around my neck, practically choking me. I rubbed their backs and continued to soothe them the best I could for several minutes. Then I stood up and took their hands, walking them over where Yuuri was gathering the ensemble skaters. 

“How are we doing?” he asked the kids. “Ready to go?”

Alice looked up at me, nervousness still emanating from her. I gave her a wink. “You’ve got this sweetheart,” I said. “Go kick some ass out there.” 

That seemed to be the right ticket. She took a deep breath and let go of my hand. Pulling her shoulders back she took a step forward. “Yeah, let’s go kick ass.”

“That’s my girl,” I patted her shoulder.

Michael latched onto Alice’s confidence. Letting go of my hand as well he joined her with an enthusiastic, “Fuck yeah!” Yuuri’s eyes widened in shock and Michael immediately turned red and muttered, “Oops, sorry.”

Yuuri cleared his throat and gave me a _very_ meaningful look. I simply shrugged and gave him an innocent smile. “What? It’s been a stressful week for all of us. They might have picked up a few extra words from my vocabulary.”

“Hmph,” he said. Then looking around, “Where’s Liam?”

“I don't know. Phichit went to go find him.”

Yuuri’s brows furrowed. “Hmm, he's usually not one to disappear.” He came up and put a hand on my shoulder, leaning in close, “Are you sure he’s okay?”

“Well, he’s actually the one who’s been holding strong through all the craziness this week. I'm sure he's fine.”

That didn’t seem to convince Yuuri at all. “He may be having a harder time than you think. I know how it can be, trying to stay strong for everyone.”

Another look from Yuuri and I understood, remembering how anxious Yuuri used to get when he competed. Well, shit. I figured I had lucked out and missed Liam’s breakdown. Guess not. I nodded slowly, “Okay, I get it. I’ll go look for him too.”

“Look in places that are harder to find, where someone would go unnoticed. That’s where I would’ve been hiding when I used to get overwhelmed.”

I gave Yuuri a grateful smile. He returned it, but then his mouth suddenly drew into a thin line, eyes narrowing as he looked behind me. 

“Hello JJ,” he said in a tight voice. 

My heart stopped and I could feel the blood drain from my face. Yuuri looked back at me for a moment and I could see he was torn between wanting to stay with me and needing to get the skaters ready for the performance.

Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself. “It’s okay,” I whispered to him. He gave my shoulder a squeeze, then shuffled the ensemble skaters towards the arena. As they left with the group, Alice and Michael turned around to wave at me. I flashed them a thumbs up.

“Are those the kids you’ve been teaching? It looks like you’re doing a great job with them.”

That voice, low and deep, vibrated through my entire being, making my chest ache and my knees go completely weak. I hadn’t heard it in so long, I almost cried. Taking another breath, I closed my eyes and slowly turned around. 

When I opened my eyes I found myself staring into those big, beautiful, blue eyes I missed so much. JJ gave me a small smile and it was as if all the weeks since I’d seen him disappeared. My heart stopped and for a moment it was just us again. 

“Hi, Yuré.”

At hearing him say my name that way — _his_ way — my heart felt like it wanted to beat itself out of my chest. I wanted to rush into his arms, feel that mouth on mine, and just forget everything. But I couldn’t forget. So much had happened since I’d last seen JJ that I also wanted to slap him. Punch him. Beat his ass for ending things. For taking himself away from me. 

Yet, as I looked into those blue eyes, there was still a sadness there and I found I couldn’t be mad at him for any of it.

“Hi,” I barely breathed out. 

“Sorry, but I didn’t want to miss you. I wasn’t sure if I’d catch you after the show.” JJ cleared his throat, “Um, Lou told me you went to the police station to give a statement. You didn’t have to do that.”

Of course I did. I would do anything to help him. “Jeh, I still ca—” I clamped my mouth shut before I exposed my true feelings for him. That probably wouldn't go over well. “I mean, well, it was no problem,” I finished lamely.

JJ's face got red and he rubbed a hand behind his head. “And I, um, wanted to talk to you about last week when you came by… I can explain…”

God. My face got flushed too. I didn’t have time to talk about this right now. Or maybe ever. I didn’t think I could hear his explanation of why he chose Isabella over me. My heart wouldn’t be able to take it. Plus, I actually needed to focus on finding Liam.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I pinched the bridge of my nose, “I really can’t talk about this right now.”

“Oh, of course. I’m sorry,” he shook his head and looked down at the ground. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come… sorry…” He turned to leave.

Okay, I lied. There was no way I was going to let JJ walk away now that he was talking to me again. 

“No, wait!” I darted forward and grabbed his arm, shocking both him and me at the feeling of electricity that shot through us from that simple touch. Just as quickly, I dropped my hand. “I mean… can we talk later? It's just I need to find one of my students right now. He’s missing and the show’s starting soon.”

“Okay, yeah,” JJ turned back to me, “of course.”

“Sorry,” I said. Then after taking a breath, “But... I’m really glad to see you.”

“Me too,” he said smiling at me again. I felt that smile reach into the aching places of my heart. Another pause as we just stood staring at each other. 

“I should go look for my student.” I said the words but couldn’t seem to get my feet to move. 

“Yeah,” JJ wasn’t moving either, then he added, “anything I can do to help?”

I sighed. If only he could. “Not unless you know where an overwhelmed 12-year-old might be hiding.”

But JJ’s expression became serious. “Actually, I might. I skated here a lot as a junior. I know this rink pretty well.” He shifted a step closer.

“Really?” I bit my lip and found myself shifting closer as well. “That would be great actually.”

After another moment of just standing there staring at him JJ cleared his throat, pulling me out of my stupor and back to the task at hand. I texted Phichit to see if he’d found Liam yet. No such luck. But he needed to get ready for his part in the show, so was glad that I was picking up the search. I didn’t tell him who was here with me. JJ asked me to tell him more about Liam. I realized that other than my time in class with them I didn’t really know too much about the kids. But I told him what I could. He nodded and seemed quite focused.

“Okay, then,” he said after listening to everything, “I have an idea where we could find him. Come on, follow me.” 

To the ends of the earth, Jeh. To the ends of the earth.

He led us past the main rink area, then down a corridor off to the left. At the end of the hall he opened a door into what looked like a janitor’s closet, but that actually was a large storage room with a couple of doors at the back. After checking the first one and finding an empty closet we went to open the other. It was locked. JJ nodded and I knocked.

“Liam? Kiddo, it’s Yuri,” I said softly through the door. “Are you in there?”

At first, there was only silence. I didn’t think this was the right place, but then JJ leaned his ear against the door and motioned for me to do the same. Pressing my head firmly against the door I heard the faintest sounds of crying. My heart broke.

Pressing my mouth to the crack, “Liam, it’s alright, I’m right here. Please let me in.” 

I could barely hear Liam's voice coming from the room mingled with his sobbing, “I’m sorry, Yuri, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, sweetheart, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” he said between sobs, “I didn’t work my ass off enough.” More crying, “I’m going to be humiliated. I’ll ruin the show, then you’ll be mad because Victor Nikiforov will hate me forever.” 

I groaned. _Shit._ I never imagined my words that first day would come back to bite me in the ass in such a horrible way. JJ looked at me quizzically and I wanted to sink into the ground.

“I, um, well…” I couldn’t look at him and my face burned, dying that JJ was seeing the truth about my struggles with teaching. “I wasn’t the friendliest teacher for the first few classes. I said a lot of things I shouldn't have,” my explanation came out in a rush of words, “I didn’t want to teach, but Yuuri made me, and then I was upset at him, and…” I trailed off, shaking my head at how selfish all of that sounded. “It doesn’t matter. There’s no excuse.”

A hand rested on my back. “No one’s perfect, Yuré. We all mess up. But you’re trying to make it right.”

I knew I had improved since then, and even though I had been able to help calm down Alice and Michael, their little breakdowns were nothing compared to this. “I don’t know how to fix this, Jeh. What do I do?”

He said, “Just keep talking to him. Want me to go get Yuuri?” 

As much as I wanted that, I knew Yuuri wouldn’t be able to help right now. No, I was all Liam had. Turning to JJ, I shook my head, “He’s too busy with the show.” Biting my lip I hesitated, then asked, “Will you stay?”

It was only a brief moment before JJ smiled softly. “Sure, of course.”

The next fifteen minutes was spent doing my best to soothe Liam through the door, “It’s okay. I’m not mad, please come out.” But he only continued to cry. As the minutes passed I was reaching the end of my rope. We had definitely missed the beginning of the show by now. I sunk down, sitting on the hard concrete floor. JJ followed, kneeling down in front of me. I looked to him, desperate.

“Let me try?” he patted me on the shoulder and I nodded. JJ then knocked on the door, “Hey, Liam? You don’t know me, but my name’s JJ. I’m a friend of Yuri’s. He’s really sorry and he’s not mad at you at all. He really cares about you.”

“That’s right sweetheart. I’m the one who messed up, not you.”

“No, no, I won’t be good enough.” His crying intensified and the words came out between his hiccuping sobs. “I’ll mess up —” hiccup “— and then everyone will think —” hiccup “— I’m just a pathetic loser.” Liam started gasping and choking between sobs. It sounded like he was hyperventilating and I thought he was going to pass out right behind the door.

“What’s happening?” I asked JJ frantically.

“I think he’s having a panic attack,” he said quietly. Then, “Liam, buddy, this is JJ again. I need to you focus on my voice for a minute. We are going to breath together, okay?” He spoke in such a soothing tone, I felt calmer just hearing it. “Now on the count of three we are going to take a big breath together. Ready? One, two, three.” JJ took an inhale and I copied. He kept his eyes on mine as I watched him. “Okay, great job. Now let it out.” We all exhaled together. JJ continued to talk Liam — and let’s face it, me as well — through breathing slowly. Eventually, I could hear Liam’s gasping slow, his sobs quiet down.

“You’re doing great buddy,” JJ continued to encourage. “Hey, you want to know something? Something I’ve never told anyone?” Though JJ was speaking through the door, he continued to look straight at me. “The first competition I was in I messed up really badly. I was super nervous and I fell on my first two jumps. I was so embarrassed that I ran off the ice before the music ended. I couldn’t even finish my routine and was disqualified. I was so afraid that everyone would laugh at me and that my parents would be mad that I actually found this same room to come and hide in, and cried and cried. I stayed here until the entire competition was over.”

I was transfixed as JJ told the story. Imagining confident, proud King JJ as a scared little kid, running off the ice at messing up made my heart ache. I never would have imagined JJ as anything else other than the cocky and infuriatingly amazing skater he was. Our gazes remained locked as he went on.

“But you know what, Liam? My parents weren’t mad. They found me and gave me a big hug and told me it was okay to mess up. The next time I competed I still fell on one of my jumps, but no one laughed and I was able to make it through my entire routine. It wasn’t perfect, but I kept trying. That’s all we can do, just keep trying every time we feel like we aren’t good enough. There’s always a next time, and it gets easier every time. I know you’re scared, but you have a great teacher out here who cares a lot about you.”

It was completely silent for a moment after JJ finished. There was no crying. No sounds of movement. JJ and I held out breaths, waiting. “Liam, buddy? You okay?” JJ asked hesitantly.

A light thump against the door and my heart jumped. JJ felt it too, eyes looking hopefully at me. Liam must be sitting right by it, leaning against it. 

I scooted even closer to the door and tried again. “Liam, sweetheart, will you open the door? Let me give you a hug? It’s all going to be okay. You don’t have to worry. I’m right here, and I’m not mad, and no one will think you’re a loser. Just let me hold you baby boy, okay?”

Another beat then the lock clicked and the doorknob slowly twisted. The door opened a crack and I expected I would have to continue to coax Liam out. Instead, he launched out from behind the door right into my arms, burying his head in my chest, crying again. Soon my shirt was soaked with his tears.

I pulled him tight to me, rocking and petting his head, murmuring reassurances to him. I realized that Liam had been holding too much in the entire time. I vowed to support him better moving forward. Support all of the kids better. 

JJ reached out, resting a hand on my knee. Normally I would be doing flips inside at the contact, but right now that touch was an anchor, keeping me grounded and as I continued to soothe Liam. 

Looking into JJ’s eyes I was reminded how much I loved him. I couldn’t have done this without him. This man was so much more than I ever could have known or guessed back when I only saw him as my rival. I guess we’d both changed over the years. I laid my hand over his, squeezing lightly. Liam stayed snuggled against me, his breathing beginning to even and slow. 

“Thank you, Jeh,” I said quietly.

Liam peeked his head out from my arms to look at him. “You're JJ?”

“That's right buddy.”

“Did you really fall and run off the ice?”

JJ chuckled and ruffled Liam’s hair. “Yep, I sure did.”

“At least I didn’t do that,” Liam mumbled into my chest. 

JJ and I laughed softly. “See,” JJ said, “you’re already doing much better than me.”

Liam closed his eyes and relaxed into my arms. JJ and I continued to look at each other, hands connected on my knee. Those blue eyes were so deep and I felt us reconnecting with each passing moment. But then JJ’s phone chimed and the spell was broken. He moved his hand away and looked down at his message, murmuring, “I need to get back.”

“Do we have to?” Liam tightened his grip on me.

I sighed, wondering the same thing. Then, kissing the top of his head, “Yeah, baby boy, we do.” JJ helped me get up, not an easy feat as Liam refused to let go of me. He grumbled again at going back, embarrassed to have missed participating in the preview. I did my best to divert his attention to better things.

“Well you know, you can come sit by me. I could really use your to help to cheer on Alice and Michael. They need your support now. Do you think you can do that?”

“Okay,” he said quietly. Then he turned to JJ, “Will you come sit by us too?”

JJ ruffled Liam’s hair again and gave him a sad smile, “I’m sorry buddy, but I have a friend waiting for me.” Chagrinned, JJ darted a look at me. We both knew who that ‘friend’ was. “But I’ll walk you guys back.”

Making our way slowly back to the rink JJ and I kept sneaking glances at each other, smiling slightly before looking away, but otherwise the three of us remained silent. When we reached the entrance to the arena JJ stopped, shifting back and forth on his feet for a moment. “Well... I’m over there,” he gestured with his head over his shoulder.

“Okay,” was all I could say. 

But as I turned to leave with Liam to go sit down, JJ called out, “Yuré, is it still okay if we talk later? Maybe grab coffee?”

It’s what I had been waiting to hear for weeks. “Yes,” I couldn't help my shy smile back at him, “that would be great.”

“Great,” he repeated, returning the smile. “I’ll text you.”

Before leaving, he rubbed Liam’s head lightly. “You’re going to be just fine buddy. Yuri will take good care of you. Go cheer on your classmates, and just know you’ll be out there with them next time.”

I looked over my shoulder as I walked with Liam to our seats and caught JJ looking back at me as well. He bit his lip and blushed, then gave me a small wave. Just as embarrassed, I smiled and nodded before finally turning back around.

“Is JJ your boyfriend?” Liam looked up at me and I felt my heart twist at his simple question.

“No. Just a good friend.” 

I found us seats next to Beka, Kayla, and Paige, who had come as promised. They all gave us hugs and Paige cooed over Liam, who only turned away from her shyly.

“That's too bad,” Liam sighed, snuggling more into me as we watched the show. “He's really cool. I like him a lot.”

I squeezed him tightly and couldn't help but say, “Me too, baby boy. Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY!!! JJ and Yuri are talking again!!! And what's that? A possible date??
> 
>  _So..._ what do you think of Yuri and JJ reconnecting??? I hope this chapter was worth the wait!
> 
> And check out this AMAZING ART that [puppysicle](https://twitter.com/puppysicle_) did for this scene! You can view it [here](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/post/179732034857/a-huge-thank-you-to-puppysicle-for-this-amazing).


	13. Echoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Logan leaned forward, propping his elbows against the rail, looking down at the performance. “I know you don’t believe me yet, but I really do want to stop this girl so JJ can just live a normal life. I’ve seen what it's done to him. It definitely hasn't been easy.”_
> 
> _Hearing that made me remember the look in JJ’s eyes today. The sadness that lingered there. This whole situation was a cloud over his usual annoyingly-happy-go-lucky-edging-on-cocky attitude. Jesus, I couldn’t believe how self-involved I’d been all these years. I was so wrapped up in my career, getting upset at JJ every time he beat me on the ice. Not realizing how hard he worked to still give an amazing performance when he was dealing with all this shit._
> 
> _He was so much stronger than I ever knew._
> 
> ***

Twitter, YouTube, Snapchat, Instagram — pretty much all of social was blowing up. And while it had nothing to do with the show, it was all thanks to _Victor Fucking Nikiforov._

I really couldn’t stand the sight of him right now, so I had hastily thrown my stuff in my duffel bag and gone back to my flat right after preview. Yuuri, Phichit, even _Chris_ had been texting me nonstop. _Did I see what happened? Was JJ really back with Isabella? Had I been on Twitter yet? Was I okay?_

All of these I completely ignored. Of course, I fucking saw what happened. Unfortunately, yes, it appeared that JJ was really back with Isabella. And like the masochist I was, I couldn’t keep away from all the comments on Twitter. As for how I was doing? I was still trying to wrap my head around what happened last night. Right now I didn’t want to deal with any of it. Or anyone in the skating community for that matter. Which is how Detective Logan Martel ended up in my kitchen this morning, mixing up some gross-looking green smoothie.

“I’m a shitty person, Logan.”

He only chuckled as he chopped up some weird vegetable. “You’re not a shitty person, Yuri.”

“Yes, I am. Everything is such a fucking mess right now, yet I’m wishing that Isabella will break up with JJ again over all of this. I know I should want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me, but I’m selfish. I want her to cut and run like she did before. So, yeah, see? I’m a shitty person.”

Logan just listened to me ramble. I don't know why I was spilling my guts about all this to him, but he'd let me talk his ear off our entire run this morning as I gave him my take on JJ’s and Isabella’s kiss that was now broadcast across the internet. In less than a day it had already garnered over twenty thousand views on YouTube and _#jjbella_ was a trending topic on Twitter.

And the reactions were pouring in from _JJ Girls_ right and left. 

**@jjsgirl395** _OMG!! They are back together!! #truelove_

**@smxjj19** _I knew they weren’t really broken up!_

**@me_n_jj4evr** _If only my bf would kiss me like that. #relationshipgoals_

**@jjbella_dream15** _Squeeeeeee! I knew they were meant to be! Yes! #jjbella forever!_

That fucking show. I hated that fucking show so much. 

I was soooo going to kill Victor. 

The preview itself had gone really well, actually. Of course, I really couldn't give a damn about most of it. Between just having seen JJ and the stress over Liam, I barely paid attention at all. I could still feel JJ’s hand in mine, that connection in his eyes. I could barely concentrate. That is until I saw Alice and Michael enter the ice. I’d never been so focused on the ensemble before. I don’t think I took a breath for the entire time they were out there. When they finished and I realized they hadn’t fallen, or run into another skater, or forgotten any steps I did a little 'yes' fist pump. 

Liam had a different reaction. Snuggling against me, he sniffed back a tear. I squeezed him tight, “Hey, I know you are sad you weren’t out there tonight. But you did a good job supporting Alice and Michael. I’m really proud of you for sticking it out.” He nodded into my chest. 

When the show ended I sighed in relief. It was finally over. But just as the audience’s applause began dying down, the lights dimmed again and Victor and Yuuri entered the ice dressed in their costumes from their old _Stamino Vicci_ routine. The crowd erupted into cheers again, excited for the encore. Of course, Victor couldn’t just let it end with a great closing number now, could he? Screens lit up around the arena flashing images of Yuuri and Victor skating throughout the years, mixed with images of them off the ice. The rest of the skaters came out again, circling them while holding gigantic glittery hearts as they waved to the crowd. 

I wanted to throw up.

Alice and Michael passed us waving excitedly. I tried to look happy as I waved back, while Liam buried his head in my chest, embarrassed.

“Can we go?” He looked up at me, eyes brimming on the edge of tears. 

I could see how miserable he was. Believe me kid, I felt the same.

Petting his head, “Well, we should stay to see Alice and Michael,” he slumped in my arms, “but would you like to get cleaned up a bit before we see them backstage?”

A muffled “okay” was his reply. Though I did want to help lift Liam’s spirits, that fact that I could use it as an excuse to get away for a few minutes was an added bonus. I really couldn’t take much more of the romantic display playing out on the ice below. 

After I helped Liam clean up, we slowly made our way back. I didn’t want him to feel bad about his nerves. If anyone understood feeling disappointed in oneself, I did. The best thing for him would be to get back on the ice for tomorrow’s performance, so I wanted to keep his spirits up as best I could. As we walked back I started poking him, each time eliciting a few giggles. Back in the arena, I could see that the performance was almost done — thank god — so we just went over to the railing above the seats. Liam stood on the first rung in front of me, squirming and giggling as I continued to poke him and make gagging noises each time a picture of Victor and Yuuri kissing flashed.

“Looks like the show is almost over.” I turned to see Logan meander up the walkway over to us.

I was surprised to see him, though I wasn’t sure if it was for me or because he was actually trying to be on the lookout for JJ’s stalker. My surprise must have shown on my face, because Logan smiled as he settled next to us, leaning into the rail resting his hands on the top of it. “You didn’t think I would come, did you?” 

No, I didn’t. I shrugged and looked away, back down at the ice just as Victor lifted Yuuri, spinning him around. 

“Well, since it’s a public skating event I thought it would be a good idea to at least check things out.”

“Worried I’d turn into a crazy person, seeing JJ with Isabella?” I remembered how concerned he looked with Phichit this morning when I learned JJ would be at the show tonight.

“I’m only worried about one crazy person, Yuri. And it’s not you.” Turning to rest his hip on the rail, Logan gave me a smile. “Though I may have also wanted to give _someone_ a little moral support.” 

I rolled my eyes but smiled. It _was_ kind of nice having Logan here, even if he was a bit annoying. Leaning my chin on Liam’s head I said, “So, any sign of said crazy person tonight?”

“Not that I could see from the monitor room. I had a couple of guys that owed me a few favors do some sweeps as well. All off-duty of course,” he winked. “Just being helpful citizens.” 

“Wow, uh, that’s really awesome actually.” Okay, so maybe Logan was doing more than I gave him credit for. “I’m sure it would mean a lot to Jeh if he knew that you did all that. Thank you.”

Logan leaned forward, propping his elbows against the rail, looking down at the performance. “I know you don’t believe me yet, but I really do want to stop this girl so JJ can just live a normal life. I’ve seen what it's done to him. It definitely hasn't been easy.”

Hearing that made me remember the look in JJ’s eyes today. The sadness that lingered there. This whole situation was a cloud over his usual annoyingly-happy-go-lucky-edging-on-cocky attitude. I wish I would've known earlier how much JJ had been struggling this last year, not just because Isabella broke up with him. Would I have acted differently towards him at competitions if I realized how hard things were for him? Honestly, I don’t know. 

Jesus, I couldn’t believe how self-involved I’d been all these years. I was so wrapped up in my career, getting upset at JJ every time he beat me on the ice. Not realizing how hard he worked to still give such amazing performances when he was dealing with all this shit. 

He was so much stronger than I ever knew.

Well, now, I hoped I would have another chance to make up for it. We were going have coffee and talk. Yes. JJ was _finally_ willing to talk. I wasn’t going to waste it. My heart jumped at the thought of seeing him soon. I would do my best to show how much I was there as his friend. And hopefully more. 

Liam suddenly straightened in front of me, jolting me out of my thoughts. “Hey look, it’s JJ!” he pointed at the screen directly across from us. Hearts were floating on the screen, the camera zoomed in on the audience in an obvious kiss cam. And who did it pick? JJ and Isabella. Of fucking course.

JJ was looking down at the performance on the ice and didn't realize what was happening. But Isabella’s face lit up seeing they were on camera. She launched herself at JJ, planting her big, fat, slutty lips on him. JJ fell back against his seat, looking a bit taken aback at Isabella’s sudden attack. But… he didn’t push her away. My heart fell to my stomach. 

The crowd was going nuts. Hoots and whistles filled the arena.

And Isabella and JJ kept kissing. 

The image, burned into my brain, started getting blurry. Logan’s hand rested on my shoulder. I hadn’t noticed that he’d moved to stand next to me. Thankfully he didn’t look at me as I quickly wiped away my tears, letting me keep at least some of my dignity. 

Finally, Isabella and JJ parted, the words “True love” flashing over the screen before showing Victor and Yuuri’s final pose on the ice.

“Guess JJ has a girlfriend. Bummer,” Liam said quietly.

If only she was just a girlfriend.

Stupid, fucking Victor and his _love and life_ bullshit.

“Come on kiddo, let’s go congratulate Alice and Michael,” I said to Liam, trying to keep the sadness out of my voice. He hopped down and wrapped his arms around my waist as I turned to lead us backstage. 

Logan stayed by my side as we left the arena. “Hey, Yuri, why don’t you come running with me tomorrow?”

I turned up an eyebrow at him.

“Okay, I’m not coming onto you,” he waved his hands defensively. “Plus, I think your friend would be heartbroken if he thought I was interested in you, not him.” The surprise must have shown on my face because Logan laughed. 

“I didn’t think you caught on to his flirting,” I said, shaking my head.

“Oh sure, I knew.” Alright, so Logan must not be as utterly clueless as I thought. “I just didn’t have the heart to tell him I wasn’t into guys. So what do you say?”

“Why are you asking me then, if you aren’t into guys?” 

“Well, ever heard of friends, Yuri? Just seems like you could use one. That’s all.”

Someone outside of the skating community? It was pretty sad, but I don’t think I’d ever been friends with anyone that didn’t skate. But I was tired of my heart being jerked around by all this drama. It might be nice to have a friend that could care less about this bullshit.

“Will you be bringing your dumbass dog?”

“He’ll be destroyed if he knows I went running without him. Plus, he really likes you.” After a glare from me, he amended, “But maybe not this time.”

I shrugged again. 

So now, here Logan was, handing me the pile of veggies he’d chopped. I took it, but before putting it in the blender quirked a brow. It looked like some very odd overgrown leafy onion. “Are you _sure_ this is going to taste good?”

“Guess you’ll find out, won’t you,” he waggled his eyebrows at me. It was weird seeing this side of Logan. Mr. Cleancut Cop was now a sweaty, disheveled mess in long running shorts and a ratty t-shirt, still wet with sweat from our run that morning. He whistled as he threw a bunch of mint in the blender. “Alright, I think that’s everything.” 

The loud whir of the blender echoed around us. Watching the vegetables swirl together felt like what my heart was going through. Blended into a shitty green mess.

“So, what are you going to do about that Livia chick?” I asked Logan when he stopped the blender.

That stupid kiss cam was doing more damage than just tearing my heart to shreds. With JJ’s and Isabella’s kiss broadcast to the world, it didn’t matter whether JJ’s stalker came to the show or not. _JJ Girls_ weren’t the only ones commenting online. It was pretty obvious that JJ’s stalker had been trolling everything on social related to JJ. And she was pissed. 

**@xxafz973** _I can’t believe you’re back with that fucking piece of trash slut after everything I did for you._

**@6xx6xzzy** _You don’t deserve to be on the podium. You don't deserve your medals._

**@xxxmeet_ur_doomxx** _You are just a big loser, and I know what you are underneath._

**@jjh8tr69** _You think everyone loves you? You're just a big joke. You and your joke of a slut._

**@jgilkikcet7392** _If you want to be with that bitch, then fine. If that’s what you want. You’ll be sorry Jean-Jacques Leroy. You’re going to regret ever being with that whore._

“I'm trying to get our tech to track those various comments and isolate the ip addresses," Logan sighed. "But honestly, it's so hard to pin down a stalker when they are an anonymous user online. I know that's not what you want to hear.” 

“I'm sure you're doing what you can.” Propping my elbows on the counter I rested my chin in my hands, blowing out a breath. Yeah, like I said — this was a fucking shit storm. 

“You know, I’m just like JJ’s stalker chick. I’m so fucking mad that he went back to Isabella, I can barely see straight. I just don’t get it. And now I’m even more confused. I mean, I don’t even know why we stopped hanging out. Not really. He just stopped everything when it was just getting good. And even though Isabella dumped him over the whole stalker thing, they've been hanging out again, apparently. Then yesterday, before all of this fucking mess, he asked me out for coffee.” Sighing, I slumped in a seat at my counter.

“Well, that sounds like he actually wants you in his life,” Logan said as he poured the green concoction into a couple of glasses and handed me one, then without any further ceremony started chugging his. I took a tentative sip. Okay, it wasn’t horrible. I had barely taken a few more sips when Logan placed his empty glass down, then started cleaning up the blender.

“It's really hard for people who are being stalked, Yuri,” he continued as he scrubbed the blender. “It's sometimes easier for them to stay with people they are used to. To stay in their comfort zone. They have a hard time opening up and trusting others. Honestly, I think that JJ is just trying to survive this whole ordeal the best way he knows how.”

“Yeah, I guess.” I still didn't get it. Of all the people JJ could turn to, he was turning to the one who abandoned him. “I just wish JJ would understand that if he was with me I wouldn't let him down. I'd do anything to keep him safe from that lunatic. But how can I compete with Isabella? Even though they broke up before, they just have so much history.”

Logan stopped his washing and came to sit next to me, “Not that I’m an expert, but from what I’ve seen love is only as complicated as we make it. You care about JJ. It’s as simple as that. So despite everything else why don’t you just see how he’s doing?” Logan picked up my phone that was sitting on the counter, holding it out for me, cocking his head. “Besides you don’t seem the type to be intimidated by anyone. Ex-fiance or not.”

I looked at the phone in his hand for a moment. Should I really text JJ? Not sure how it would be received I hesitated. Logan raised one eyebrow then placed the phone in front of me and went back to his washing. After another minute passed I grabbed the phone. 

_Me 8:26 AM  
<< Hey J, I know things are probably pretty crazy right now, but I saw your stalker troll on social. I just wanted to see if you were alright?_

Send.

My stomach twisted in on itself. I couldn’t believe I sent JJ a text after all that. What if he didn’t want to speak to me? What if he didn’t answer? What if— 

_Ping._

Logan gave me a periphery glance from his place at the sink, trying not to grin. 

_JJ 8:27 AM  
>> Hey Yuri. I'm really glad you texted. Things are kind of shitty right now._

_< < Yeah, I can imagine. Are you okay?_

_> > I just don’t know what to think about everything, you know?_  
_> > Can we still talk? I could really use a friend right now. Not that I expect us to still be friends. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to talk to me again. I know I screwed up. I’m really sorry for everything._  
_> > Can you forgive me? _

Those last words floated on the screen and I just stared at them. God, Jeh, of course. I mean, I wanted to. But my mind started bouncing back and forth thinking about everything. All the times JJ teased me right before a competition. JJ hugging me in the parking lot after we ran into Beka’s girlfriend. JJ slumped in his seat at the salsa club, downing his drink. JJ smiling at Isabella as he helped her out of his car. JJ smiling smugly down at me from the top of the podium. JJ’s naked body draped over mine, kissing me with such passion it short-circuited my brain. JJ turning away from me that last morning we were together. JJ snuggled in my arms, his hand caressing mine as we watched movie after movie in his flat. JJ kissing Isabella, cheers echoing around the arena. 

I put my phone back down on the counter, head in my hands, chest tight. The more I thought about my relationship with JJ the more confused I got. Logan was a nice guy and I know he was only trying to help, but he was wrong. Love wasn’t simple. It was complicated as fuck. Logan finished up in the kitchen and came over, peering over my shoulder.

“Hm, that’s a tough a question.” I only nodded slowly, not even caring that he read the text. “Want me to stick around for a bit?”

I nodded again, and he went over to the couch, settling in with his own phone.

The liquid in my glass started to separate as the minutes passed. Vegetable chunks sinking to the bottom, murky green water rising to the top. I still didn't know what to say.

The phone chimed again.

_JJ 8:45 AM_  
_> > It’s okay, Yuri. You don’t have to answer that. I understand if you can’t forgive me. But I want you to know I really didn’t mean to hurt you. You were nothing but a good friend to me. I was the fucker that pushed you away._  
_> > Sorry again. _

Something in that message felt off. Like a goodbye, JJ pulling away. No matter how confused I was, I knew one thing. I couldn’t let that happen, not again. Not when we had just started to reconnect. I quickly typed a message before I lost my nerve.

_< < Wait. _  
_< < I just don’t know what to feel right now. _  
_< < All I know is I miss you._

I couldn't believe I actually texted that. But it was what I was longing to tell him for weeks. Dots appeared, then disappeared for a minute. My heart jumped when I saw them reappear.

_> > Yuri, I’m so sorry._  
_> > I miss you too._

How could four simple words make my heart flutter like a goddamn hummingbird? I watched drops fall over the message on my phone screen. Damn, I was crying. Sniffing, I quickly wiped my phone screen as his next message popped up. 

_> > So, can we still grab coffee?_

_< < Yeah, sure. That would be nice._

I finished texting with JJ, making plans to meet up, then pocketed my phone and went to in the living room. Plopping on a chair next to the couch, I heaved a huge sigh. 

“So?” Logan turned to me and raised an eyebrow.

“We’re meeting for coffee in an hour.” My eyes closed, head hanging over the back of the squat chair. “I can hear you grinning. Stop it.”

A throat cleared. “Alrighty then. Looks like my work here is done.” Logan stood and squeezed my shoulder. 

“Thanks. Really.” I lifted my head as he opened the front door. It surprised me what a good friend Logan was turning out to be. “Running tomorrow? You can bring your dog, I guess.”

“He’ll be thrilled.”

“Don’t make me regret it,” I groaned out. 

Logan simply chuckled. “No, you won’t regret it. Besides, regret is not texting someone you love and making a coffee date to get together. That’s regret. Running with an over-enthusiastic dog? That’s just life. See you tomorrow.” And with that, he left.

So, regret was not reaching out to someone you love? Yeah, I'd tried that before. Why was I stupid enough to try again? I dropped my head back on the chair and stared up at the ceiling. Please, Jeh. Please don’t make me regret this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter has taken me so long everyone! I had to re-write it about three times to get it right. This is the first full-length story I've written, so I'm so grateful to those of you who have stuck with me this far!!! Almost done!!! (I can't wait for you to see the next chapter! Ahhh!!!)
> 
> And what song is playing over and over in Yuri's head? What else, but Shawn Mendes' [Treat You Better](https://open.spotify.com/track/48DKpTEVJ2pAjxQbWTad3q?si=pTnF8MziQwuMBZUMWqNFLg). (Here is a [cover of the song by Sara Farell](https://open.spotify.com/track/3PhC7gEoUdLzfES1g6u0jf?si=CWpzyoMcS7-9R1z2l3T_dg) — the pronouns work better in this one.)
> 
> A note on Logan: He's based off a guy I work with, who is totally this super-friendly, straight-as-an-arrow, kind of clueless-looking guy. But the thing is he's actually really smart, more observant than he lets on, and a really cool dude. So, I felt Yuri needed an actual friend — not someone who would turn into a love interest. But someone who could reflect things back to Yuri that he's trying to work through as he struggles with his heartache over JJ. Hence... Logan.
> 
> And of course, now every time I see that guy at work I only think of Logan! lol XD


	14. Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _JJ looked up and locked eyes with me. The tension in his shoulders dropped slightly and he quickened his pace even more, his long legs bringing him to my table in seconds._  
>   
>  _I stood up to greet him causing my chair to almost fall. As I was fumbling with it, metal scraping loudly against the cement, JJ strode right up to me and pulled me into a hug, the chair falling down with a loud bang. I stiffened for only the briefest moment in shock, but then my arms took over and automatically wrapped themselves around his shoulders. They just felt so right holding him like that. Like they knew they were home._  
>   
>  ***

I tapped the empty coffee cup in a rapid beat on the table outside the coffee shop. I shouldn’t have had that second cup of coffee but I didn’t know what else to do while I waited for JJ, having arrived twenty minutes early. It was the same coffee shop I went to with Lou. I was even seated at the same table outside.

God, that seemed a lifetime ago, when I was finally realizing the depth of my feelings for JJ and struggling over how to deal with our breakup. Oh, if I had only known how much more fucked up things would get, I would have laughed at that naive Yuri. How could so much happen in such a short amount of time? How could I still be in love with JJ after all of this? And why couldn’t I just let him go for Christ’s sake?

My phone read 9:48 AM. I debated whether to get another cup of coffee when I caught a glimpse of a tall figure with dark hair in my periphery and felt goosebumps run down my arm. JJ. It was like my body was so attuned to him it could sense him before I really even saw him. Whether that was a good thing or not, I couldn't tell.

Turning, I saw him hurrying down the block. His gaze was intent on the ground and it almost looked as if he was muttering to himself. But then he looked up and locked eyes with me. The tension in his shoulders dropped slightly and he quickened his pace even more, his long legs bringing him to my table in seconds. 

I stood up to greet him causing my chair to almost fall. As I was fumbling with it, metal scraping loudly against the cement, JJ strode right up to me and pulled me into a hug, the chair falling down with a loud bang. I stiffened for only the briefest moment in shock, but then my arms took over and automatically wrapped themselves around his shoulders. They just felt so right holding him like that. Like they knew they were home. He tucked his head in my shoulder and my heart skipped at the gesture. But just as I went to squeeze him closer he released me.

“Sorry,” he rubbed the back of his head, looking down at our feet. “It’s just really good to see you.”

That made me smile, and I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, “Jeh, you saw me yesterday.” 

He looked up at me then with a sheepish smile, cheeks a bit red. “I know, but that was before… everything.”

Yeah. Everything.

I felt my face reddening too. Both of us just stood there for a moment, faces beet red like a couple of idiots.

My heart was racing, though I’m sure the coffee didn’t help. Right. Coffee. “Hey, let me grab you some coffee,” I offered.

“No, let me get the coffees,” JJ said, ever the gentleman he was. I couldn’t help but flick my eyes at my empty coffee cup on the table. His eyes followed mine. “Oh. Nevermind, I’m good Yuré.” He moved to sit down.

Exhaling a sigh, I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be a dumbass, Jeh. Come on.”

Grabbing his elbow I pulled him into the shop. We were silent as we made our way through the line, but the bustle of the patrons around us didn’t make it too awkward. Outside was a different story, the silence much more palpable. JJ sat across from me sipping his coffee. My eyes darted to his face then back to my own coffee cup that I had grabbed, even though it was empty. Anxiousness radiated off him and he was looking everywhere but at me. His hair wasn’t its usual carefully crafted messy style. It was just plain messy. What’s more, he hadn’t shaved. It was so uncharacteristic, I was having a hard time processing it.

I kept looking over to him, and finally, he looked back. “What?”

Rubbing my hand on my face to indicate his scruff, I shrugged. “Just something I’m not used to seeing on you.” 

“Oh,” he mimicked my move, absentmindedly. “Yeah, I guess I forgot about this today.”

The five o'clock shadow, the messy hair. He definitely looked frazzled, but damn. Even now, when life was insane, I couldn’t help but find JJ the hottest man I’d ever seen. My heart still did flips just sitting here looking at him. Under my breath I mumbled, “Makes you look even hotter than usual.” 

“Hmm?”

“Nothing.” 

The silence between us lengthened again, making the chitter-chatter of the other people around us more noticeable. A million questions formed in my mind, but I wasn’t sure where to start.

Then JJ said, “So, how’s Liam?” and I sighed in relief.

And just like that, we were talking again, like we used to. I had to concentrate on holding my coffee cup to keep from reaching out and grabbing his hand. But I told him about the week leading up to the show and all the craziness with Victor’s fucked up rehearsal schedule. Soon we were laughing. It felt so good.

“God, I’ve missed this,” I heard myself saying, the words slipping out before I could stop them. JJ stilled in the middle of a laugh, quieting down immediately.

“Yuré.”

Shit. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” I said looking away.

JJ’s voice was soft, “You shouldn’t?”

Looking back up to find his blue eyes searching my face, I sighed. “I mean, fuck. I _do_ miss this. Miss you. But...” 

“But?”

Fiddling with my empty coffee cup, I tried to tried to figure out what I was feeling. So much shit had happened. Sinking back in my chair it shifted slightly, metal grating louder than my shift indicated. 

“Actually, Jeh, I’ve felt like shit ever since we stopped hanging out. I just don’t get what the hell happened between us.” I tried to keep my voice down, but I could feel all that anger and hurt bubbling just under the surface. “All I know is I feel horrible and I can’t stop thinking about you.” The lid of my coffee cup popped off onto the table, I was gripping it so tightly. “God, why do I fucking miss you so much? It just makes me want to punch you in your fucking perfect, sexy scruffy face.” 

JJ just stared at me, silent, mouth gaping a bit. I could feel myself flushing, embarrassed that I had said so much. 

He sighed and set his own coffee cup down. “I’m sorry, Yuré. You’re right. I know I owe you an explanation. It’s just… I don’t know…”

The words dropped off and he turned his head, focusing on watching the pedestrians walking by. Several more minutes passed in silence as I waited. JJ only continued to stare out into the street. 

He was doing it again. Pulling away. And I was pushing. Fuck, I thought I had gotten over that. Pushing people away. 

Regret came crashing down. He was going through his own shit and here I was yelling at him. “Jeh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so pissed. I’ve just been so confused. Please talk to me. Whatever it is, just tell me, okay? I’m not mad, I’m only trying to understand.”

He let out a sigh but didn’t turn back to face me. “Well… a few days after… the hockey game,” clearing his throat, “I ran into Izzy, but it was different. We just started talking again. She dumped that guy a few days after the salsa club, I guess. She said it wasn’t anything serious anyway, that she was only trying to make me jealous. And that when she saw me with you she realized she wanted to get back together. 

“So we just started hanging out again. But we haven’t really talked about anything serious. We haven’t even had—” he stopped, bringing the coffee cup back up to his mouth. But I knew what he was going to say, and inside rejoiced a little. Small victories. They were back together, but if they hadn’t had sex yet… What did that mean? Was he not sure if he wanted to get back with Izzy? Did that mean I still had a chance with him? 

JJ turned back in his seat to face me but kept his head down, eyes focused on his coffee cup on the table.

I couldn’t look at him either. “Well, we did start all of this to get our exes back. Looks like it worked out for you.”

“It’s not like that. I mean, it sort of is? I don’t know. We’ve just had so many good years together, I shouldn’t throw that away, right?” He shrugged. “But then, you and me… When I was with you I felt something I hadn’t felt with Izzy in a long time.” 

“You did?”

He kept his head down, cheeks turning pink again. “Yeah, I um… well, I think I was falling in love with you.”

Full stop. My heart did a full stop.

JJ’s blush deepened, and his next words came out in a rush, “But I know that’s not how you felt, and I didn’t want to push you into something you didn’t want. I know you just wanted to get back with Beka.”

“Stop doing that.” 

“Huh?” He finally looked up at me, confusion in his eyes.

“Jesus Fucking Christ, Jeh! Stop assuming what I’m feeling.” I could hear how tight my voice had gotten. My eyes closed in frustration, and more than before I felt myself losing control. How dare he. How _dare_ he. All of this. All of this fucking mess because he was in love with me and just _assumed_ I wasn’t in love with him? I had been torturing myself for _weeks_ , not knowing what I had done. I was willing to forgive him for acting like a complete idiot, try to win his affection, make him fall in love with me so much that he wouldn’t ever be able to leave me again. But he pushed me away _because_ he was in love with me? 

Shoving myself away from the table I stood up, my chair clanging back down again. I just let it fall. The noise outside instantly died down, as everyone turned to see what was going on. Ignoring them, I closed my eyes and took a few breaths through my nose to try to calm myself, but it wasn’t working. It wasn’t working at all. I gave up trying and opened my eyes, glaring down at JJ. He stared up at me in complete shock.

“You don’t even know,” I said, through clenched teeth as I tried to keep from yelling, “what these past weeks have done to me. Because you know what Jeh? I'm in love with you too, you asshole. God! You don’t even know how much I fucking love you! But you never gave me a chance to tell you. You didn’t even bother to ask me how I felt. You just cut me out of your life. Told me not to text you. Just left me hanging without understanding what I had done. I thought something was wrong with me. First Beka, then you.” Putting my hands on the table, I leaned in close to JJ, my voice dropping to a growl. “Well, fuck you, Jeh. And fuck me too. I’m such a fucking fool for falling in love with you.”

Tears splashed down on the table, and JJ’s eyes widened. He reached up for me, but I didn’t want him to touch me. Well, my body still did, and almost leaned those last few inches to meet his hand, glancing at his lips. Instead, I pushed off the table and rushed away down the street.

The tell-tale sound of JJ’s chair pushing back rang after me. “Yuré!” I could hear his voice not far behind me, so I broke into a run, tears streaming full force down my face. It wasn’t until I reached my car a couple blocks away that I stopped, not even having the energy to get in, just standing next to it crying. After a moment arms wrapped around me, a strong hand pushing my head down on a shoulder. My hands balled into fists and I pounded them on JJ’s chest, though without any real force.

“I’m so sorry, Yuré, so sorry,” he kept repeating into my hair as I completely soaked the top of his shirt. His arms around me were so comforting. I hated that they were. At the same time, I needed them and melted into his hold. Gradually my sobs lessened and I took a few steadying breaths, standing up a little straighter, raising my head from his shoulder to rest against his cheek. My mind felt numb as I just stood there, feeling JJ envelop me in his arms. 

Our breathing synced up as we stood in that embrace, inhaling and exhaling together. A satisfied sigh escaped me and I couldn’t help but nuzzle a little into his cheek. Then his lips were brushing my forehead and my body shivered from head to toe. I needed those lips right now more than I needed air, food, sanity. A slight shift in his arms was all it took for me to look into those blue eyes one brief moment before they closed, and then his mouth was on mine and it was like I could finally breathe again.

Reaching my arms up around his neck I pulled him tight to me. His arms instantly wrapped around my waist, tugging me even closer. JJ’s kiss seared through me and I tasted tears and moans, barely telling the difference between lips and tongue and teeth. I was so desperate for him I couldn’t contain it anymore, whimpering as I kissed him over and over, clinging to him, wanting to only feel his body. Wishing mine would just disappear so I could become part of him. He kissed me back with equal energy, drawing me up to him, angling my head back so he could kiss me even deeper, his tongue never breaking from mine.

We kissed and kissed, for I don’t know how long. I didn’t bother to come up for air, the only breath entering my lungs coming from JJ. I was so dizzy I could hardly tell which way was which. I didn’t want to know anyway. I only wanted to feel JJ’s mouth devouring mine like this, never letting up.

Of course, I needed to breathe eventually, and lightheadedness took over. Stumbling, I fell back against the car with a jolt, breaking our kiss, JJ staggering a few feet forward with me. 

He took a small step back to regain his balance, arms falling away from my waist. My own slipped from around his neck and slid down his arms, skimming them until the last moment of contact, as he stepped back again. 

We were panting, trying to catch our breaths and JJ blinked down at me. “Yuré… I, um…” 

“Please. Don’t say anything, Jeh.” I could see it in his eyes, the words _I’m sorry I kissed you_ on the tip of his tongue. I sighed. He was pulling away again — and it was time for me to stop grasping for him. It was like grasping at smoke. JJ couldn’t be solid right now, no matter how much I wanted him to be. But I had to speak the question I’d been dying to ask for weeks before I let him go. 

“Just, answer one question for me Jeh. If it wasn’t for Izzy, and your stalker chick, and for all this shit going on, would we have had a chance?”

My question was met only with silence for a moment. 

Then a small sigh. 

“I… I don’t know. But I would have liked to think so.”

Nodding, I turned to open my car door. JJ held it open for me. “I’m sorry, Yuré, I really am,” he said, looking down.

Before I got in I turned back and laid a hand on his cheek. “I know. I’m sorry too. I really do love you. But, you broke my heart, Jean-Jacques Leroy. You broke it more than Beka ever did.” 

I leaned in then and gave him one last soft, lingering kiss before I said goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go ahead and yell at me…
> 
> Here's the song we're all singing with Yuri: ["i hate you, i love you" gnash, Olivia O'Brien](https://open.spotify.com/track/7vRriwrloYVaoAe3a9wJHe?si=OBgSHuTZQpu4cFlMjjoMOQ)


	15. Rushing Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Despite my attempts to ‘move on’ I still missed JJ. Sure, I tried not to think about him but it would sneak up on me, especially when I least expected it. All of a sudden I would catch the sight of dark hair, or hear what sounded like his deep laugh, or even just inhale the slightest whiff of something similar to his body soap, and it was like I was back in his arms, feeling how he held me, feeling our last kiss. How his mouth absolutely smothered mine. How insistent his tongue was as it danced with mine._
> 
> _Sighing, I rubbed my forehead, trying to push JJ’s presence from my mind._
> 
> _Yeah, it was time to go back home and really leave JJ behind._
> 
> ***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay all, let's take a deep breath together! Sorry (not sorry) it's been such an emotional rollercoaster! Here's a little [behind the scenes](https://suzeiswriting.tumblr.com/post/175649607007/behind-the-scenes-lovefools-chapter-14-all-is) I wrote about the last chapter that may help us all deal with our hearts breaking!
> 
> _  
> **And I'm very lucky to be able to get some art commissioned from the amazing[@aurigaearts](http://aurigaearts.tumblr.com/) but am having a hard time picking which scene to have her do. Go to [this post on my tumblr](https://suzeiswriting.tumblr.com/post/175907623467/pick-a-scene-for-lovefools-to-get-art-commissioned) and pick which scene you'd like to see (or tell me if you want a different one!).**  
>  _
> 
> Now... moving on!
> 
> ***

_Two months later_

“But Yuri, do you have to go?” Alice pleaded, her arms holding me firmly around my middle. Liam and Michael were standing nearby, tears streaming down their faces. I was really trying to hold back my own tears at leaving them, but it was getting harder with each passing second. 

My arms tightened around her slender shoulders. “Oh Alice, sweetheart, I do. But I’m really going to miss you all so much. You guys were the best students I could’ve ever wished for.”

Liam and Michael rushed forward then, throwing their arms around me as well and I lost it, almost bawling as much as the kids. God, this was so hard, but it was time for me to move back home. Victor had extended my lease an extra month after the show had finished, but had told me that he wasn’t extending it anymore. He needed me back in Saint Petersburg to start my training in earnest for the season. 

I felt like I was being torn between two loves. Teaching and competing. Working with the kids these past months ignited something inside me, something I didn't realize was there. I _loved_ teaching ballet. And I was actually really good at it. There were times when it was frustrating as hell, and times when I felt I wasn’t getting through to the kids. But then, those moments when it all came together? Nothing could compare.

A huge part of me wanted so badly to stay in Montreal and continue to train the kids. They were improving so much. Liam, surprisingly, was the most natural on the ice. Once he got over his nerves and started performing in the show he absolutely lit up and you couldn’t take your eyes off him, even when he was just a part of the ensemble. Phichit and I had talked about his real potential as a competitive skater. Michael was more inclined to ballet and was taking to it quite well, but Alice — she was the hardest worker when it came to ballet. She probably would never become a prima ballerina, however, with her determination and sass she could be a principal in a company if she stuck with it. And had the right teacher. Of course, I wanted that to be me. 

Yet… It was time. I was ready to leave Montreal. This city practically had a big neon sign over it flashing _Yuri’s Heartbreaks_. If it wasn’t for the kids I probably would have left with Yuuri and Victor when the show ended last month. Yuuri had pretty much begged me to. “It’s time for us to go back, Yu-chan, and for you to be home with us, your family. There’s nothing for you here anymore. Time to let them go.” I knew who he meant. Beka. JJ. Yes, it was really time to move on.

So, that’s what I was doing. Other than a few small boxes and my luggage, my things had already been shipped back to my old flat, and I was taking the first flight out tomorrow for Russia. Phichit and Logan were throwing me a not-so-surprise going away party tonight and despite my grumblings I was actually looking forward to it. But it made my leaving all the more real. This was it. Tomorrow at this time I’d be halfway across the globe.

Squeezing the kids one last time and giving them each a kiss on the head, I escorted them to the front of the studio where their parents were waiting. Alice and Michael gave me one last teary look and wave before they left, but Liam hung back instead of following his mother outside.

“Will you be coming back?” he looked up at me with those big puppy eyes of his. “I’ll really, really miss you.”

I pulled him in close for another hug, “Oh baby boy, I’ll miss you too. Do what Phichit says, alright? You are going to be a rockstar on the ice. Don’t tell the others I said that, though.” I pulled back slightly and winked down. “I can’t wait to see you on the podium and know that I was your teacher, even if just for a few months.”

He clung to me tighter. “Please, please don’t leave me! I don’t want to skate without you.”

Argh! How could I leave? But I had to. Slowly, I plied him away. “I’ll Skype you this weekend okay? I promise.” Kissing his cheek, I walked him out to his mom who looked a little annoyed and frazzled, quickly shuffling Liam into the car with a bunch of other kids. We waved to each other until the car was out of sight.

Back at my flat I knew I needed to go over all the last minute things for my flight then start getting ready for the party. Instead, I pulled out my phone, calculating the time difference to Russia. It was just shy of midnight over there but I dialed anyway. Yuuri answered on the first ring.

“Yu-chan! All set for tomorrow? We're so excited to have you back home.”

“Yeah,” I said thickly, sniffing back the tears that were threatening to come out. Sometimes just hearing Yuuri's voice got me choked up. God, I was such a baby.

Yuuri didn't miss the emotion in my voice. “Hey,” he said quietly, “everything alright?”

“It’s… it’s just hard leaving the kids.” Sighing I plopped down on the sofa, lying back to stare at the ceiling.

His tone softened. “Just the kids?”

Hmph. It wasn’t any use pretending with Yuuri. “No… not just them. Leaving Montreal. It just makes it final. I mean, I’ll be leaving Beka for good. He’s staying here with Kayla of course.”

“And leaving JJ.”

“Well… yeah. That too.” I hadn’t seen or heard from JJ since the coffee shop. Since I kissed him goodbye. I quickly wiped away a couple of tears that had escaped and exhaled loudly. “It’s just… things were still left hanging. Since we never even got a real chance. It’s the _what if_ that kills me.” JJ did admit that we probably would’ve had a chance. If. If…

“Oh, Yu-chan, I know it’s difficult right now. Sometimes people just aren’t ready. I’m sorry it didn’t work out how you hoped it would.”

“You know, I still think about him sometimes. I try not to…” Yeah, that was an impossible task. Despite my attempts to ‘move on’ I still missed JJ. Sure, I tried not to think about him but it would sneak up on me, especially when I least expected it. All of a sudden I would catch the sight of dark hair, or hear what sounded like his deep laugh, or even just inhale the slightest whiff of something similar to his body soap, and it was like I was back in his arms, feeling how he held me, feeling our last kiss. How his mouth absolutely smothered mine. How insistent his tongue was as it danced with mine. I tried not to indulge those thoughts, but sometimes I just wanted to remember that JJ felt for me at least a fraction of what I felt for him.

It was then that I’d usually check out his Instagram or Twitter. Not that there was much to see anymore. The few posts he had put up after the ice show preview, trying to tamp down the shit storm around the kiss, only fed the flames — especially where his stalker was concerned. So, after a carefully worded, official-sounding statement on Twitter — _"Isabella and I remain friends, and although I am always grateful to my fans for all their support, right now we appreciate the respect to our privacy as we work to see where our relationship is headed"_ — he’d pretty much been offline. Despite everything, I hoped he was doing well. At least being off social meant that he didn’t have to deal with his stalker trolling him anymore.

Sighing, I rubbed my forehead, trying to push JJ’s presence from my mind. “I know he’s in his own space or whatever and I can’t force him to be with me. But, yeah, it’s just hard.” My voice dropped. “I won’t see him until the fall — if we even have any of the same assignments. I don’t know whether to hope for an assignment together or not. I’m really trying to move on, but…”

Silence lingered for a moment. I didn't know why I was still feeling this way about him. I knew it wouldn't work out. I knew it. I had already let him go. At least, I thought I did.

“But, you still have the lingering memories and feelings,” Yuuri said. Times like these he seemed to get exactly what I felt, and I was glad I didn’t always have to explain what was so hard to put into words. He continued, “Those will take longer to move through.”

“Yeah, I know. ‘Give myself time to heal?’ and all that crap?” Yuuri didn’t see it, but I couldn’t help my small smile.

He chuckled. “Sounds like some very wise advice.”

“Yeah, probably,” I rolled my eyes to no one. “But it’ll be good to be home.”

We talked a little more about the final details of me leaving. The movers were coming early in the morning to pick up the last of the boxes to ship before my flight. Yuuri and Victor had already unpacked most of my stuff that had been shipped back, so I could dive right into training without having to spend too much time settling in. The doorbell rang and I let in Phichit while I finished talking to Yuuri. 

“You aren’t dressed yet?” he looked dismayed. 

I shrugged and sat back on the couch, mouthing _“Yuuri.”_ Phichit then grabbed the phone out of my hand.

“Say goodbye, Yuuri. We’re talking _this_ Yuri out on the town and you’re holding us up! You’ll see him in like 30 hours anyway.”

“He called me!” Yuuri shouted back as Phichit hung up, walking immediately back to my room, the sounds of hangers scrapping loudly as he riffled through my closet.

Sending off a quick _“Sorry about that! I’ll be home soon. Love you,”_ text to Yuuri, I joined Phichit, who shoved clothes into my arms and pushed me towards the bathroom.

“Now,” Phichit said with a smile. “Let’s get you ready for your surprise party!” 

“This is so cheesy,” I moaned out.

Phichit simply laughed. “Oh, you know you’re excited about it.”

Sticking my tongue out I made my way down the hall. Okay, I was excited. I needed this. Otherwise, I’d just be sitting at home pining for JJ. Wishing for things that would never happen. I hurried to change, now wishing that tomorrow would come faster. It was time to go back home and really leave JJ behind.

* * *

Logan held out a huge wrapped box for me.

I groaned. “I told you guys not to give me anything. I can barely zip up my luggage as it is!”

“Well, too bad we don’t listen to a word you say,” Phichit said and everyone laughed. “Come on. Open! Open! Open!” 

There were six of us crammed into a black leather booth at Le Gourmet Burger — because for my last night of off-season eating I was having a burger damn it! — and they all started chanting with Phichit, getting louder and louder. Several people around us turned and we got a few scowls. The chants turned to shouts until I finally took the box out of Logan’s hands. Everyone cheered.

It was weird to be surrounded by people that I actually liked. But good weird. I’d never really had a group of friends before. But Montreal, with all the drama and heartbreak, had done something else for me as well these last few months. It had showed me who my _true_ friends were. And these were the ones. Phichit and Logan sat on one side of the booth with me. The other side was filled with Kayla and Paige. And Beka. My first friend. My first love. And now, after it all, still my friend. Definitely weird. But I guess that’s what life gives you sometimes. Who was I to question how and why?

They had all rallied around me after the craziness with JJ. Logan made sure I went out running with him every morning and he took me to his weird kundalini yoga class each week. Plus kickboxing. And crossfit. That dude was crazy with all the fitness stuff. Victor was absolutely in love with him, seeing how insanely fit and strong I was becoming with all the cross-training.

Paige took me to every horror movie she could find, even the weird obscure ones in small theaters outside the city. And she, Kayla, and Phichit made sure I went out every weekend with them dancing at Beka’s shows.

Then Beka got invited to play last minute at a festival in Toronto when another DJ had to drop out, so we all piled in an old van Logan borrowed and took the trip. It had been a crazy weekend. Beka had of course dedicated a song to Kayla, but surprised me by dedicating a song to me as well, being his first love. It made me realize how we really had healed all the hurt from our breakup, and moved to a better, healthier place.

Yeah, these last months could have been horrible. But… they weren’t. They were actually pretty good. 

Opening the box I shook my head as I pulled out a large bottle of vodka and a huge jug of maple syrup.

“Seriously?” I turned to Phichit who only laughed again. Beka gave a smirk. But the others all looked at me hopeful that their gift passed muster. It was stupid and I had no idea what to do with these things, but I could see it in their eyes. How much they all cared for me. I started to get a little choked up, covering it up by groaning out with a laugh, “Alright, you idiots, I love it. Everyone in for a hug!”

“Who are you and what have you done with our snarky friend?” Beka’s eyebrows raised in shock, as arms all wrapped awkwardly across the table, the women shouting “We love you Yuri!”

It was then that my phone started vibrating in my pocket. But since everyone who I normally talked with was either here with me or in Russia fast asleep, I ignored it. After a minute, though, it started buzzing again. Again, I just let it go. But when I felt it buzz a third time I yanked it out of my pocket. Jesus, insistent much?

Everyone was still laughing and chatting around me, but I just stared down at the name on my phone. 

JJ.

Beka saw the name on my screen and put his hand over it. “You don’t have to answer,” he said. His voice was quiet but I saw the slight stiffness in his shoulders, his mouth drawn in a tight line.

The phone stopped buzzing again, but seeing three missed calls from JJ had me shaken. Something was wrong. I could just feel it. Looking at Beka, he gave me one barely-there shake of his head. I knew he was only looking out for me. Still, I couldn’t ignore the feeling in my gut, so I excused myself and made my way out of the restaurant. 

Once I was in the parking lot I redialed.

“Yuré? Oh, thank god!” JJ choked out.

The tone in his voice immediately had my heart racing. “Yes, Jeh. What is it? What’s wrong?” 

JJ’s ragged breathing was the only thing I heard for a minute, then he was desperately muttering, “Oh, god, oh, god, oh god.”

“Jeh!” I almost yelled into the phone, but I didn’t want to stress him out anymore. Trying to sound calmer than I felt I said, “Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Yuré. Oh god, Yuré, it’s her. I know it’s her.”

“Izzy?”

“No. _Her_.”

Fuck. I knew who he meant. “Are you alright? Are you safe? Where are you?”

“H-home. Please, Yuré. _Criss_ , why can’t she just leave me alone?”

Putting the phone into my shoulder to muffle the microphone I yanked the door to the restaurant open and yelled to our booth, “Losh! LOSH!” Logan finally looked up at me and I frantically waved him over. Beka was quick to follow, concern etched on his face.

When Logan reached me I said in a low voice, “It’s her, Losh. JJ’s stalker. Something happened.” He nodded and turned to walk towards his car. Lifting the phone back to my ear, “Okay, Jeh, I’m coming. I’ve got Logan and we’re coming right now.”

“Logan?” His voice got even smaller. “You’re… you’re with someone?”

“It’s just the detective from your case. You know him. Detective Martel. Stay where you are. We’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

Silence.

“Okay? Jeh, do you understand?”

He his whispered “O-okay” put a pit in my stomach and I grabbed Logan’s arm to hurry us along.

Beka was just as quick to seize my own arm, stopping me abruptly. “You don’t have to go to him.” 

I tugged my arm to get out of his grasp. “Yes I do, Beka. He’s in trouble.”

“No, you don’t,” Beka’s grip tightened, his voice firmer. “He doesn’t want to be with you, Yura. We’ve all seen how hurt you were by him. You’ve been working so hard to move forward. I don’t understand this hold he has over you. Why are you so attached to him?”

“You don’t get it, it’s not like that. I know we’re not getting back together. This… this has nothing to do with that. I don’t care if he’s with Izzy, but he needs me right now, as his friend. Most likely the only friend who _actually_ cares about him.” I pulled my arm free and got into Logan's car. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go.”

Driving away I looked over to Beka’s stiff figure, face grim. It probably should have given me pause for thought. Yes, I had let JJ go. But this was different. This was JJ in pain. And when it came to that, I could only rush forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I keep adding chapters, but I wanted to get this up and the chapter was getting too long. We really are soooo close to the end!!! We're gonna make it! AHHHH!!! 
> 
> AND A HUGE THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS AND SUPPORT. Knowing you all are so excited to read this fic has really fueled me to write like a mad woman and finish this story for you!!! I hope to have the next chapter up very very soon! 
> 
> Yuri's song for the chapter: [Like This, by Shawn Mendes](https://open.spotify.com/track/3Qwd9wK176KgmorU7fCW6S?si=1Aq2qyPGRm2LIl7ZSROYpg)


	16. Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter is dedicated to Denis Ten** — June 13, 1993 to July 19, 2018.
> 
> _The moment we pulled up I knew something was off and I completely ignored Logan’s “Wait, Yuri!” as I rushed into JJ’s building. The door to his flat was open slightly, the area around the lock scrapped up. Knocking, I pushed it open further and entered, calling out “Jeh?”_
> 
> ***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I added a bit more to what the stalker wrote in Chapter 13, Echoes (it will make this chapter make a bit more sense — and yes, these are all the same stalker, she's just using various fake ids): 
> 
> **@xxafz973** _I can’t believe you’re back with that fucking piece of trash slut after everything I did for you._
> 
>  **@6xx6xzzy** _You don’t deserve to be on the podium. You don't deserve your medals._
> 
>  **@xxxmeet_ur_doomxx** _You are just a big loser, and I know what you are underneath._
> 
>  **@jjh8tr69** _You think everyone loves you? You're just a big joke. You and your joke of a slut._
> 
>  **@jgilkikcet7392** _If you want to be with that bitch, then fine. If that’s what you want. You’ll be sorry Jean-Jacques Leroy. You’re going to regret ever being with that whore._
> 
> ***

The moment we pulled up I knew something was off and I completely ignored Logan’s “Wait, Yuri!” as I rushed into JJ’s building. The door to his flat was open slightly, the area around the lock scrapped up. Knocking, I pushed it open further and entered, calling out “Jeh?” 

I was shocked by what I saw. JJ’s flat was completely trashed. The couch was slashed, foam spilling out around the room. Smashed glass was everywhere. The entire contents of JJ’s kitchen looked like it had just been dumped unceremoniously on the floor. It was as if a tornado had localized in his flat only.

“Jeh?” I called out again, stomach contracting in dread. 

It was completely silent. 

Logan came up behind me and I whipped around. “He’s not here, Losh. What if something happened? What if he’s hurt—”

“It’s okay, Yuri, take a breath. Let’s check the entire flat.”

“Okay, okay.” 

I followed Logan as we slowly made our way through the apartment, glass crunching loudly under our feet. Although I'd been here before, I hadn't really been paying attention to anything but JJ at the time. His place wasn’t as big and fancy as it could have been for someone as famous in Canada as he was. There was a room off the kitchen that was turned into a music studio of sorts. It was wrecked too, equipment smashed, wires strewn every which way. Beyond it was another room that would have been a fairly cozy-looking entertainment room if it wasn’t a complete disaster, TV shattered, chairs cushions turned over and slashed open. We continued down the hall, and I knew the room we’d be entering next. My heart thudded loudly.

Logan paused at the door to JJ’s bedroom, but I walked past him and entered. The crunching changed, the sound becoming tinier, sharper. Moving my foot away I looked down. Something glinted up at me. Crouching, I inspected closer. Then my heart dropped. I saw shredded ribbon and realized what it was. Pieces of a medal. All over the floor were fragments of JJ’s medals. Gold, silver, and bronze shards poking up like daggers. 

Oh, shit. This was more than an angry break-in. This was personal. Beyond personal.

That _fucking_ bitch.

Being one of the best at something like figure skating put you in the spotlight. It was great for your career, and it got you fans which could help further your career. If you were popular, sponsors would be lining up. I’d never had problems with my fans. Sure they were annoying, but really I was grateful to them. My own career grew because of them. 

JJ was even more in the spotlight than I was though. Not just with his skating, but with his clothing line and his music. He was in the public eye an insane amount. Yet, he was always so gracious to his fans and they seemed pretty respectful back. Sure they went nuts for him at events, and gushed over him on social, but having a stalker like this, who would invade his privacy, destroy his home. And even beyond that. His medals. Everything he’d spent twenty years giving his blood, sweat and tears for.

All of that was nothing but broken pieces on the floor now.

There was a small gasp behind me and I turned to see JJ sitting on the floor, eyes staring blankly at the scene in front of us.

“Jeh,” I rushed over to him. “Are you okay?”

He didn't look at me, gaze still fixed on the room over my shoulder. I put both hands on his face, trying to shake him out of his stupor, “Jeh!”

After blinking a few times, his eyes finally turned and focused on me. “Yuré?”

“Yes, Jeh, it's me. I'm right here.” 

JJ slumped forward then, laying his head in my lap, repeating. “She was here, Yuré. She was here.”

My hands smoothed over his back and I bent over him, holding him tight. “It’s okay baby, everything's alright. You’re safe now. Did you see her? When did you get home?”

“No… I didn’t see… I just came home… I don’t remember.”

JJ began shaking in my arms, mumbling, but I only caught a few words — _“medals… no… smashed… gone.”_ His breaths grew faster and sharper. He was scaring me and I struggled to know what to do. Then I remembered. I knew what was happening. Pulling him back up to sitting, I cradled his face in my hands.

“Look at me, Jean-Jacques,” I said firmly, but quietly. “Stay with me. We’re going to breathe together, alright? Now, breathe in.” JJ looked at me with such wide eyes I barely could see those blue irises, but he managed a shaky inhale. “Breathe out.”

My face was inches from him, giving him nothing else to focus on but me, as I repeated the words over and over. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Slowly, very slowly, I watched his pupils shrink, the blue returning. His hands gripped mine and I held them between us, squeezing just as tightly. Breathe in. Pause. Breathe out. I stopped saying the words but JJ continued to follow my lead, chest slowly rising and falling with each breath.

A gentle hand on my shoulder pulled my attention away. Turning, I saw Lou. Logan was in the background, another couple of officers with him, taping off the flat with yellow police tape. Lou put her hand on JJ’s cheek. When he saw her, his face relaxed the barest amount. 

“Come on Jean, we need to move.”

We both managed to help JJ to the front steps of the building while police filtered in and out. He was finally calmer, sitting still, staring down at the ground, with Lou next to him holding his hand. Logan pulled me aside.

“Is JJ okay?”

“She fucking smashed his medals, Losh. I didn’t even know you could do that. Of course he’s not okay!” 

Logan just placed a hand on my shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” I covered my face with my hands, shaking my head. “I’m sorry. It’s just seeing him like that…”

“You did a great job calming him down, Yuri.” Logan pulled me into a hug. I buried my head in his shoulder for a minute before he let me go. “It’s understandable that JJ would break down. He’s been under an extreme amount of stress with all this, and now having his privacy, his home, invaded in such a violent manner? It’s a lot to process. We can see about getting him connected with a counselor.”

“Just stop this fucking bitch, Losh,” I pleaded, voice choking. “I mean, can you _finally_ arrest her now?”

He held my shoulders and looked right at me. “Most definitely.”

Thank Christ. 

I looked back over to JJ. He was watching us, brow furrowed in confusion and distress, ignoring Lou who had an arm around him, trying to soothe him. I gave him a smile, trying to reassure him. He just frowned. 

The sound of a loud engine drew our attention away, as a sleek black car roared up, door slamming loudly. “What’s going on?” Isabella demanded as she approached. 

“Sorry miss,” one of the officers stepped up to her. “There’s been a break-in. We need you to stay out here.”

Logan left me to join the officer and explain the situation to Isabella, who looked beyond pissed. Lou went over as well and I took her spot next to JJ. I put an arm around him but was surprised when he shrugged it away. 

“I’m sorry, Yuré. I shouldn’t have called you. You’re with someone,” his eyes flashed to Logan. 

Huffing out a breath and shaking my head, I put my arm around him again. “You mean Logan? Jeh, it’s not like that at all. He's just a good friend.” Then I turned him to face me, “And you can call me anytime you need, day or night. I'll _always_ be here for you, no matter what, you hear me?”

“I don’t… I don't deserve a friend like you.” JJ’s head hung low, and he said, even quieter, “Just like my medals. Oh god… she’s right… I don’t deserve them. I’m just pathetic, underneath it all…”

“Hey,” I bent my face down so that I could look into his blue eyes, now clouded with despair. “Don’t say that. It’s not true. You are amazing. It’s that fucking stalker who is pathetic.”

“No,” he kept shaking his head, eyes closed, “no, she’s right. You’re amazing, Yuré. You’re so amazing. Victor, Chris, Yuuri, Otabek. Everyone is amazing. I’m not. I’m not…”

“You are, Jeh, you are,” I kept repeating back to him. But his spirit was so broken, I didn’t know how to pick up the pieces.

“I told you something like this would happen.” 

I jerked my head up to see Isabella shaking her head down at JJ as she stood over us. Lou and Logan came up behind her.

I didn’t think it was possible, but JJ’s shoulders slumped even more. “I know, I know, I’m sorry.” 

The _hell_? Was Isabella seriously berating JJ right now? I glared up at her. 

“Back off, Isabella.”

She turned to me, “What are _you_ doing here?”

Logan stepped in before I could answer. “JJ,” he said softly, “is it okay if I talk to you for a minute?”

JJ only nodded, then got up and followed Logan to where the other police officers were gathered.

Standing, I turned back to Isabella and stepped close, dropping my voice to a decibel above seething. “Listen, Isabella. Jeh just had a panic attack in there, alright? This _isn’t_ his fault. Having a stalker _isn’t_ his fault. Right now he just needs you to support him. Just be there for him, okay? Is that so fucking hard?”

She stepped even closer and pushed a finger into my chest. “You know what’s hard? JJ being so focused on you, practically worshiping you, like you walk on water or something. No matter what, it’s always been all about _you_.” Her voice raised in a singsong tone, “‘Yuri's so amazing,’ ‘Did you see Yuri’s program this year?’ ‘What assignments did Yuri get?’ ‘Will Yuri and I be competing together?’ God, I’m so sick of it! He should be calling his _actual_ girlfriend instead of you. It's time for you to get over the fact that he doesn't want you — so stop trying to swoop in and play the hero. It isn’t going to work. He's not going back to you. He’s doing just fine with me!”

“Are you fucking _blind_?” I growled out low, trying my best to not blow up and scream in her face, “Or are you just so wrapped up in your own delusion that you can't see what's really going on? Jeh's _not_ doing fine. He’s struggling a lot right now, and he just needs our support. I know it’s hard for you to comprehend, but I actually _am_ his friend. If you got your head out of your own ass, you’d see that the reason he called _me_ instead of you was because he knew _I_ would be here for him.” Drawing up my full height I bent down closer, so we were practically nose to nose, “And I could give a flying fuck that he's with you. I'll _always_ be his friend. You don’t get to chose that for him.” 

Before Isabella could retort, Lou stepped up and pushed us apart. “ _Arrête!_ You both need to stop this right now! Think of Jean. He wouldn’t want you fighting like this.”

That was enough to deflate some of my anger. Turning to Lou, I nodded. “I’m sorry. You’re right, Lou,” then with a pointed look to Isabella, “we should think about _Jeh_.” Isabella looked like she was going to start arguing again, but I held up my hand to cut her off. “Don't get your panties in a bunch, Isabella. I’m leaving for Saint Petersburg tomorrow, anyway, so I’ll be out of your hair.”

“You’re leaving?” JJ was right behind us. His eyes wide with shock.

“Yeah… I…” Shit. This was not the time or the place to talk about this with him right now, with everything that just happened. “Um… well, my lease is up and Victor and Yuuri are already back in Russia. They want me home to train, now that the ice show is done. I’m flying back in the morning.”

“But you’re moving away? Leaving Montreal?”

“Yes, JJ,” Isabella said irritated, “that’s what he said.”

JJ started shaking his head, “No. No. You said you’d be here for me—”

“And I meant it,” I moved over to him and put a hand on his arm. “It doesn’t matter if I’m in Russia, you can still call me, text me, whenever you need—”

“It’s not… no. You’re leaving. I knew it,” he shook off my hand and stepped back. “I knew you’d eventually leave.” 

Turning on his heel, JJ strode away into the darkness. Lou gave me an exasperated look and went after him, “Jean!”

“I told you. He doesn’t want you in his life. Please, go to back to Russia, but do us all a favor and don’t come back,” Isabella threw me a scathing glare and followed after JJ and Lou.

Logan came over. “Everything okay?”

“No,” sighing I sat back down on the stairs, putting my head in my hands. “Everything’s as fucked up as ever. I just wanted to help. It didn’t go over too well.”

“I’m sorry, Yuri,” Logan joined me on the stairs and gave my knee a squeeze. “But don’t feel like you did anything wrong. Everyone’s emotions are strung out right now, and they're going to say and do things that they normally wouldn’t. Your being here _did_ help. JJ needed you and you helped him. Remember? Simple as that. It was a good thing.” He got up and looked over to the other officers. “I'm going to be a while so I texted Beka to come and pick you up. He’ll be here in a few, alright?”

Waiting for Beka I thought about everything that had happened. Even though I hated to admit it, Isabella's words stung. I knew JJ didn’t want to be with me. But I also knew that he was confused, scared, and surrounded by so much pain he couldn’t see which way was up. I couldn't blame him for that. I couldn't even blame him for being with Isabella. I just wished she would at least try to support him better. 

That's really what hurt the most. That JJ couldn't let himself be with someone who would give him the love he needed, especially now.

“Hey,” Beka put a hand on my shoulder, shaking me from my thoughts. I stood, but before I moved to leave he pulled me into a hug. As we started to walk toward his bike I could tell he was really trying not to give me the _‘I told you so’_ speech.

“You don’t have to say it, I know you’re thinking it, Bek. But just so you know, I’m not sad because JJ hurt me. It’s the other way around. JJ’s hurting and I hurt for him.” I sighed and turned to him while he handed me a helmet. “Besides, it hurt pretty bad when you and I broke up, so you really don’t have any right to get upset at him.”

Beka paused before putting his own helmet on and looked away. “You're right, I don't. I know I hurt you, too. That’s why I’m trying to protect you now, Yura. I don’t want to see you get hurt by anyone anymore. Me, JJ. Anyone.”

Well, that took me by surprise. I chuckled, and he looked at me surprised. “Beka, that’s impossible. When you love people, you are open to sometimes getting hurt. That’s just part of the package. But,” shaking my head I realized, “it doesn’t mean you shouldn't love them. Look at us. You’re back in my life again, and that’s what you wanted for us, and what you knew was possible. But we had to go through that pain and struggle to get here.”

Beka simply stared at me, enough so that I started to fidget under his gaze.

“What?”

“Wow. It's just, you've changed so much.”

Putting my helmet on to hide my flush, I rolled my eyes at him. “Don't be a smartass.”

“No, I mean it,” he stepped closer and brushed a thumb over my cheek, adjusting my strap. “I'm really proud of you, Yura.”

Shrugging, “Well, it's just that I see JJ in such a different light now. Seeing how much he’s struggled this last year and how I was completely oblivious and acted like an asshole to him like I've done for years. I want him to know he's not alone. If only there was something I could do to show him that not all people are like that crazy bitch. That people still care about him, still admire him.”

Beka only nodded and started up the bike. When he cut the engine in front of my flat I could tell he was thinking about something.

“Logan told me what happened to JJ, with his medals. I can’t imagine. Whenever I felt discouraged when I was training, I’d just look at my medals and know that for that moment in time I was able to accomplish something amazing. To be part of something special. To be counted with the great athletes of the world.”

“Yeah, me too.” I think that’s why I felt what happened to JJ so keenly. It wasn’t even about the medals. It was what they represented. Being an athlete. Accomplishing more than you thought you could. Standing with your competitors. That’s what JJ needed to have restored.

Suddenly my mind sparked, and I rushed inside.

Beka found me a minute later, tearing through the few boxes that were still left. I hoped out of all the boxes I'd sent home I hadn’t sent this one back. It wasn’t until I got to the last box that I found what I was looking for. 

Beka’s eyebrows shot up as I pulled out my discovery.

“Is that—”

“Listen, Beka,” I cut in, “I have a _huge_ favor to ask of you. To ask of everyone. And I'm going to need your help to pull this off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I didn't have the stalker do anything to actually harm JJ — I wanted this stalker to more mess with his mind, and JJ's been worn down by her over the past year, so by this time he's very fragile. That's my thinking anyway...
> 
> Yuri's song this chapter is [Where It Stays, by Charolette OC](https://open.spotify.com/track/2Kf7MWF2igvJTuGVhpyto1?si=99wlnom2RdSiLqPGhgiyuA). It's his love callout to JJ. (Cause the first line is, "I never knew I would cry when I heard your name / And now I'm running to your heart 'cause I feel the pain..." Yeah, I'm bawling...)
> 
> Next chapter coming soon!!!
> 
> ****  
> _Post Script:_  
>  _My heart is breaking so much over the news of Denis Ten's death. I was in the middle of writing Beka's part when I heard the news, and I wasn't sure if I should wait to post this chapter. But I feel like the best tribute would be to continue to make the art he inspired, and know that his spirit will live on through that art. He will always be an inspiration to us all._


	17. Still Loving You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ****  
>  _@Victor_Nikiforov_   
>    
>  _1/3 Hi Everyone. You’ve probably heard by now that our friend JJ Leroy has been dealing with a stalker recently. We love and appreciate our fans and all the support you always give us. But that love should also be built on mutual respect._
> 
> _2/3 Unfortunately, with JJ that sacred trust was broken by Ms. Grenier. We in the skating community want to stand with JJ in solidarity, and show our support for the incredible competitor and athlete he is and continues to be._
> 
> _3/3 So, I’m heading up a fund to help JJ, as well as other victims of stalking. Go to **@JJFansUnite** or check out the link in my bio to see how you can help! #JJFansUnite #helpstalkingvictims #changestalkinglaws #jjleroy #standwithjj_
> 
> ***

**@julialvsjj** _Did you hear about JJ?!?! Our poor baby! #jjleroy #whatsgoingon #police #helpjjplease_

 **@kingjjismyking**   _I guess his house was broken into??? #breakin #police #kingjj #jjleroy_

 **@morejjpls29** _I can’t believe it! Here’s a photo of all the police outside his building! #police #cantbelieveit #isheokay #jjleroy_  
[pic at night, several police officers, cars, huddled in front of a tall condo building complex]

 **@kingjjismyking** _This makes me so mad! How can anyone be so horrible to do that to him?! #jjleroy #stalkingcase #icantbelieveit_  
[link to news article]

> **AP, Montreal, Canada** — There has been an apparent break-in of Canadian eight-time national champion, and three-time Grand Prix champion figure skater Jean-Jacques Leroy, by a woman who has been stalking Leroy for over the last year according to police reports.
> 
> Leroy and his ex-fiance, Isabella Yang, had previously filed a restraining order against Livia Grenier, who has several fan blogs of Leroy and has even claimed to be on his official public relations team. Grenier was a student at the University of Montreal, where Leroy recently graduated with a dual degree in Music Engineering and Business Management. Grenier, however, failed to maintain a course of studies and eventually dropped out.
> 
> Leroy and Yang broke off their engagement six months ago, but have been the center of many gossip stories as to the status of their relationship. It is believed that their relationship has been the focus of Grenier’s harassment of Leroy.
> 
> It is unclear if Grenier is behind the break-in at this time, though the detective on Leroy’s case, Logan Martel, was on record as saying, “Miss Grenier is definitely a person of interest, and we will be bringing her in for questioning. We also hope that this case will encourage our lawmakers to take a closer look at ways law enforcement can be aided in stalking cases.”
> 
> Stalkers often slip through loopholes in stalking laws, such as using their anonymity on the internet, to cover much of their harassment. However, according to Martel, Grenier also has been in contact with friends of Leroy, which although not technically breaking the restraining order, should help police in the case against her.
> 
> Leroy is scheduled to start training with his coaches, parents Nathalie and Alain Leroy, for the upcoming Grand Prix series. He has not given any statement about the break-in, or if this event will affect his next figure skating season.

**@me_n_jj4evr** _Has anyone heard anything else? #jjleroy #updateplease #jjstalkingcase_

 **@kingjjismyking** _Yes! They have arrested the bitch!!! #jjleroy #update #thatbitchgotwhatscomingtoher_  
[link to news article]

> **AP, Montreal, Canada — Update** An arrest has been made in the stalking case of Jean-Jacques Leroy, Canadian champion figure skater. Livia Grenier, a resident of Montreal and a student at the University of Montreal, was a suspect in the recent break-in of Leroy’s Montreal home. Leroy had previously filed a restraining order against Grenier. She was also a suspect in many threatening comments on social media made against Leroy and Isabella Yang, Leroy’s ex-fiance.
> 
> A court date is still yet to be determined, though it is speculated that Grenier will be unable to post any bail and will be reprimanded to Leclerc detention center in Laval.

**@me_n_jj4evr** _HALLELUJAH!!! Lock up that bitch and throw away the key!!! #jjleroy #hallelujah #jjstalkingcase_

 **@jjsgirl395** _YES!!! Finally some good news for our baby!!! Love you #jjleroy #urmyking_

 **@jjgossipsrc18** _Check this out! Victor is stepping in to help our man!!! #victorisourhero #helpjj #thekingneedshelp #JJFansUnite_

> **_RT: @Victor_Nikiforov_ **
> 
> _1/3 Hi Everyone. You’ve probably heard by now that our friend JJ Leroy has been dealing with a stalker recently. We love and appreciate our fans and all the support you always give us. But that love should also be built on mutual respect._
> 
> _2/3 Unfortunately, with JJ that sacred trust was broken by Ms. Grenier. We in the skating community want to stand with JJ in solidarity, and show our support for the incredible competitor and athlete he is and continues to be._
> 
> _3/3 So, I’m heading up a fund to help JJ, as well as other victims of stalking. Go to **@JJFansUnite** or check out the link in my bio to see how you can help! #JJFansUnite #helpstalkingvictims #changestalkinglaws #jjleroy #standwithjj_

* * *

_Three weeks later_  
**@JJFansUnite Instagram Livestream**

We see PHICHIT smiling into the camera. He appears to be in the passenger seat of a car that is driving down the road.

PHICHIT  
**“Hi Everyone! It’s your fav skater from Thailand, Phichit Chulanont, here! And guess who I’ve got with me?”**

The camera pans away from PHICHIT to the backseat of the car, showing JJ, flanked by two other men, one of which is OTABEK. JJ smiles shyly and waves.

PHICHIT  
**“Yes! That’s right, I’ve got our King JJ here with ‘The Hero of Kazakstan’ himself, Otabek Altin** [OTABEK gives a slight smile and flashes a thumbs up] **and my boy Leo de la Iglesia** [LEO throws an arm around JJ’S neck and waves enthusiastically] **who’ve both trained with JJ for many years when they were all in juniors together.”**

VOICE OFF-CAMERA  
[Coughs] **“Ahem.”**

PHICHIT  
**“Oh yeah, how could I forget our driver —”**

VOICE  
[In a sultry tone] **“— _sexiest_ driver —”**

Everyone laughs. The camera pans to the driver’s seat, and CHRIS makes a kissy face, then winks at the camera. The camera then pans back to PHICHIT.

PHICHIT  
**“— Yes, our sexy driver, Italy’s own, Chris Giacometti. Okay, so if you’ve been following along with us here on Instagram or on Twitter you know we’ve been working with Victor Nikiforov to help get our boy JJ back on his feet after his break-in last month.**

**“We put the call out to all you fans and oh my god! You have all been amazing in showing your support for our main man here.**

**“Here’s just a few tweets from your adoring fans, JJ.”**

The camera pans quickly back to show JJ, who looks down with an embarrassed smile, then just as quickly back to PHICHIT.

PHICHIT  
**“Okay, so @julialvsjj says, _‘We love you JJ. Stay strong! You are the best there is! Don't forget that!’_**

**“And @kingjjismyking says _'No matter what, just know that we stand with you, our king!’_**

**“Here’s another great one from @meskates17, _‘Don’t ever forget how inspiring you are to us all. I started skating because of you! I watch all your videos and am always just in awe of you. Don’t give up!’_**

**“There’s also tweets of support from your fellow competitors.**

**“Our friend Mila Babicheva says _‘Remember YOU are the best of the all the boys (Don't tell them I said that lol)! Besides, you can't take your sexy self away from all of us JJ Girls. We're all cheering for you, honey!’_**

CHRIS  
[Purrs off-camera] **“She's right, you can't take your sexy face away from us JJ Girls! R-r-rawr!”**

JJ punches CHRIS, who only laughs.

PHICHIT  
**“And Emil Nekola says _‘Competing against you is always the highlight of my season. Can't wait to see your JJ Style this season.’_**

**“And of course, Victor Nikiforov wrote _‘We are all here for you JJ. I count you as one of the top competitors out there and hope to see you fighting for your spot on the podium for many more seasons to come.’_**

The camera pans back to show JJ, who is smiling and shaking his head in wonder.

PHICHIT  
**“JJ, what do want to say to all your fans?”**

JJ  
[Gets a little choked up, and wipes his eye quickly] **“Um, I guess all I can say is I’m completely floored by all the support. I really am just so grateful.”**

LEO squeezes his arm around his shoulders. OTABEK pats his arm.

PHICHIT  
**“Come on. Let’s show the fans some ‘JJ Style’ guys!”**

The camera pans around the car and everyone throws up their hands in two ‘Js’, JJ’S signature move. Even CHRIS makes the gesture, momentarily letting go of the steering wheel. Everyone yells at him to keep his hands on the wheel, to which he protests he was just trying to show his support.

PHICHIT  
**“Alrighty-o! So we are on our way to JJ’s home. We’ve given him a little home makeover from all the donations that came pouring in. But here’s the really great news. From all of your donations, we are able to give over one hundred thousand dollars to a new charity started by Victor and JJ to support stalking victims in Montreal! JJ can you tell us a little about this new charity?”**

JJ  
[Turns a bit red, and rubs the back of his head] **“Well, Victor and I started it not so much for me, but to really bring awareness to things that need to change. Especially for many women out there that don't get the help they need. And to also support better legislation to help stop these things from happening a lot sooner. You should check out the website for more info. There's lots more info on it than I can explain here.”**

PHICHIT  
**“Great. Yeah, everyone should definitely check it out. You can find all that info of course at JJFansUnite.com.”**

The car stops moving, and PHICHIT gets out of the car. We hear the other doors slamming shut. We don't see any particular markers of where JJ lives, just a close-up of JJ and the other guys.

PHICHIT  
**“Okay. Here we are! Ready JJ?”**

JJ’S shoulders raise as he takes a deep breath. LEO’S arm remains draped over JJ’S shoulders as they walk forward.

PHICHIT  
**“Wait! We need to see this!”**

The camera jostles as PHICHIT moves in front of JJ and then stays focused on JJ'S face as he and the others walk inside. When they reach JJ’S door, the camera turns and PHICHIT’S hand reaches for the knob, then slowly opens the door. Inside, LOU and JJ’S parents shout _‘Welcome Home!’_ The camera enters, but then quickly turns to view JJ’S reaction as he enters. JJ’S eyes are wide as he takes everything in. JJ’S MOM gives him a hug, followed by LOU and finally his DAD. JJ again wipes at his face quickly and smiles at everyone.

PHICHIT  
**“Okay, let’s take a look around!”**

PHICHIT pans the camera around the room. The room is pristine. White sofa with pillows that have sayings on them, reading things like _‘JJ Style is the best’_ and ‘ _Keep Calm and JJ Style.’_ The kitchen has all new appliances with flowers on the table. Bookcases line one wall with neatly arranged books and picture frames on it. The camera pans closer to the pictures, which are framed letters and tweets and photos from fans, with messages of encouragement, mostly variations of _‘We Love You JJ!’_

PHICHIT  
**“As you can see, your fans have added a little of their own flavor here.”**

JJ walks slowly by the bookcase, reading everything. PHICHIT runs in front of JJ again to capture JJ’s reactions. JJ smiles at the camera then puts his hand on his heart.

JJ  
**“I can’t even express how much all of this means to me everyone.”**

PHICHIT  
**“And this is just the beginning!”** [PHICHIT’S voice laughs out] **“Let’s keep going. There’s plenty more to see!”**

The camera follows JJ down the hall into a room filled with music recording equipment. Everything is polished and looks brand new. There’s even a very nice, new keyboard on one side of the room. JJ gasps as he enters the room.

JJ  
[Stutters, clearly shocked] **“M-my studio. It's all fixed. I-I can't believe this.”**

JJ walks over to the keyboard, fingering the keys with reverence. There is a note on it, and he picks it up.

PHICHIT  
**“Read it out for us JJ!”**

JJ  
[Opens the card and reads aloud] _**“Canada is proud to have a champion figure skater like you representing, but we know you are a musician deep down, which is why you are more than an amazing athlete — you are an artist at heart. Don’t let the music leave your soul. Keep writing, keep singing, keep going.**_  
_**— Drake”**_

PHICHIT  
[His voice is off camera and he is clearly freaking out] **“Whaaaat!!!??? That is so cool! I didn’t know he did that!”**

Everyone cheers and is clearly excited.

JJ  
[Turns to the camera again, and gets in close, voice soft and heavy with emotion] **“Drake, buddy, this — this is amazing. And everyone else. Being able to do my music. You don't know how much this means to me.”**

PHICHIT  
**“Okay, okay, let’s keep going!”** [PHICHIT’S hand pushes JJ forward out the door and back down the hall until JJ enters his bedroom] **“Now, this is our crowning glory!”**

JJ walks in and looks around. Like everywhere else, the room is beautifully put together. The bed has a deep crimson bedspread with lots of lush pillows. A framed picture of JJ on the podium graces the spot above the bed frame. But suddenly JJ stops short, hand covering his mouth in shock, as he looks at the far wall. The camera shows what he sees — which is that the wall is lined with picture frames, all containing medals pinned inside. JJ slowly makes his way forward, the camera following. Everyone is quiet as JJ gets closer. As the camera zooms in on the first medal, we see writing beneath it. JJ takes a moment to read it, then he takes a deep breath and wipes away a few tears. JJ'S parents and LOU come up behind him and pat him on the back.

LOU  
[Putting her arm around JJ, saying softly] **“Can you read to us what it says, Jean?”**

JJ  
[The camera gets close as he reads aloud] **_“You have always given everyone a run for their money. Don’t stop now — Victor”_**

PHICHIT  
[His voice holds a bit of wonder] **“Oh wow... That’s one of Victor’s World Championship gold medals.”**

JJ  
[Turning to the camera, wiping his face again and putting his hands together] **“Victor, I’m humbled. I don’t know what to say... I am, just... just so humbled and grateful.”**

The camera follows JJ as he moves down the line, taking his time to view each medal, and reading the inscriptions out loud.

JJ  
_**“You’re the only skater that’s almost as sexy as me. And you deserve a medal for that alone. — Chris”**_

JJ turns and punches CHRIS lightly on the arm and they both laugh. CHRIS pulls him in for a hug.

CHRIS  
**“Believe me, only _you_ get that honor, you sexy man, you.”**

JJ moves to the next frame.

JJ  
**_“The medals don’t make the skater, the skater makes the medal. Never forget that. — Yuuri”_**

JJ simply turns the camera and, closing his eyes, bows to show his respect. A few tears escape down his cheeks. He quickly wipes them away then moves on.

JJ  
_**“You’ve always been a fighter. Now, get back out there and show us all up. — Bek”**_

OTABEK pats JJ on the shoulder. JJ puts his hand over OTABEK’S. They don’t say anything, but they smile at each other.

PHICHIT  
[Enthusiastically] **“Mine’s next!”**

JJ  
[Laughs before turning to read PHICHIT'S message] **_“With or without a medal, JJ Style is never out of style. But here's one, just so you don't forget it. — Phichit”_**

LEO  
[Puts both hands on JJ’S shoulders and squeezes] **“And now mine.”**

JJ  
**_“You are an inspiration to me and to all of us. You always have been and always will be. — Leo”_**

JJ hugs both PHICHIT and LEO. He then moves down the line and reads the messages on the last few frames from the other men's division competitors, Seung-gil Lee, Emil Nekola, and Michele Crispino. But when JJ reaches the last frame he rushes forward before the camera can show us the medal and grabs it off the wall to look at it closer. After a long moment, JJ covers his eyes with a hand and pulls the frame into his chest. We see his shoulders shake and hear his quiet sobs for a few long moments before he turns, waving the camera away.

JJ  
[Choking out between sobs, wiping quickly at his eyes, which continue to stream with tears] **“I'm sorry... I need a minute. Excuse me... I’m sorry.”**

JJ then leaves the room quickly with the frame still clutched to his chest.

PHICHIT  
[Quietly] **“Everything okay?”**

The camera pans to OTABEK and LEO. LEO looks a little lost and shrugs, but OTABEK steps up to the camera.

OTABEK  
**“It’s okay everyone, I think JJ just got a little overwhelmed. He’s obviously touched by all the support. This has been a tough few months for him, and sometimes feeling all the love an support from our fans and friends can touch us so deeply it’s hard to know how to express our gratitude.”**

OTABEK continues speaking, everyone around a little shocked at how much he is talking, not a normal occurrence for the more private and stoic skater.

OTABEK  
**“I’ve known JJ for a lot of years, and I can tell you I’ve never known a skater that has such dedication not just to skating, but to you all of you, his fans. He really loves you a lot. Keep showing him how much you all support and admire him.”**

OTABEK motions for everyone to gather in, throwing his arms around LEO and LOU. Chris and JJ’S parents gather in. 

OTABEK  
**“Alright everyone, let’s all tell JJ how much we love him as we send you off.”**

OTABEK prompts everyone. The camera shows everyone waving, flashing ‘JJ style’ hands, and shouting to the camera a mix of _“We love you’s”_ _“Stay strong’s”_ and a _“You’re the best, you sexy beast!”_ from CHRIS.

**Livestream Ended**

* * *

I stared at the screen as the video ended, the bright light illuminating the dark room as I huddled in Yuuri’s and Victor’s arms. Yuuri squeezed me in a tight hug and kissed the top of my head as Victor closed out of Instagram on his iPad. 

I hadn’t expected them to watch with me since it was after three in the morning. But they had shuffled out about thirty minutes ago when the livestream had started, the three of us cuddling up on the couch, my head tucked into Yuuri’s chest, Victor draping a blanket and his arm over us both.

The fact that Victor had agreed to be the face of this whole thing had surprised me as well. Beka had suggested I approach Victor, but I had doubted he would like the idea, much less agree to also head up the social media push. And it was actually _his_ idea for the charity, once he realized the extent of the stalking that JJ had been dealing with.

Victor yawned as he set aside the iPad, stretching out his long arms overhead and rubbing his neck before settling back down. Looking at him, I saw him a new light. It struck me that I really could rely on him, just as much as I leaned on Yuuri.

“Vitya?” 

“Yes, Yura?” he said sleepily. 

Reaching over I took his hand in both of mine. He just stared at me for a minute, not seeming to process the gesture. 

“Thank you,” I said quietly. “I know you’re not a fan of JJ’s, but thank you for everything you did with the charity, and all your press, and well, yeah, just thanks.”

Giving my hand a squeeze back he shook his head slightly, dismissing my tired thanks, “Phish.” Then closing his eyes, he sighed, “It’s not that I’m not a fan of JJ’s — it’s just that I’m a fan of _yours_. I'm _your_ coach. I will always support you, whatever you need. And I’ve never thought that JJ wasn’t extremely talented. Of _course_ he is. I didn’t say anything I didn’t think was true. He’s kept you sharp all these years after all. You’re always so fired up about beating him, with this rivalry of yours. Though it’s pretty obvious the whole ‘enemies’ thing has always been some sort of unspoken connection between the two of you.”

Opening his eyes, he turned to me and pulled my hands to him, planting a kiss on them. “And of course, I didn’t really do anything. It was all you, Yurachka. I’m proud of you.” Then he chuckled under his breath, “You’ve _finally_ shown that you understand what _Agape_ truly means. Only took you seven years.” 

Groaning, I kicked him under the blanket, muttering _“Shut up old man,”_ but he continued despite my grumblings, looking at me seriously. “I’ve never seen you love someone so unconditionally as you do JJ. He may not know it, but he’s very lucky.”

With that Yuuri and Victor each gave me one last hug before heading off to bed again. Although it was so late my mind wasn’t ready for sleep yet, swirling with worry I couldn’t dislodge as I went over what happened on the livestream — with JJ leaving the room in tears. Did I do the right thing? Victor setting up the charity, the fan page, Phichit doing the home makeover and posting it all live — did that make things worse or better? I only wanted to show JJ how much everyone really loved him. Show him how amazing he was.

_Beka 3:35 AM  
>> Hey, you still up?_

I pulled the blankets close around me when I saw Beka’s name on my phone and hoped he could ease some of my concerns about the video.

_< < Yeah. _

_> > You watch the livestream?_

_< < Of course I did. Is JJ okay?_

_> > Yeah, he just was surprised and overwhelmed I think. He was putting on a pretty brave front like he does._ That wasn’t a surprise to me. In fact, seeing JJ as something other than his full-on, one-hundred percent peppy and on-top-of-his-life-self was one of the reasons my resistance to our attraction came crashing down.

_> > You know he broke up with Isabella, right? _

The _“Holy Shit!”_ came out in a shout before I could stop it. I sat up, the blanket falling away as I pounded out a text back to Beka.

_< < NO SHITHEAD! I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!!!_  
_< < WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN???_

The three dots seemed to be extra slow as I waited for Beka’s response.

_> > I think it happened pretty close after the break-in. She wasn’t around anymore by the time Victor was in the picture working with JJ on the charity and all. _

_< < WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME BEFORE???_

_> > It’s not like JJ and I are close friends like when we were teenagers. I didn’t really know it happened, I just figured it out as things went along. Chris only confirmed it a few days before we were going to do the livestream, when we were finalizing everything with JJ’s family. Leo asked if Isabella was coming and Chris told us no, but he didn’t elaborate._  
_> > Also I didn’t want you getting your hopes up._  
_> > And I was worried that you’d freak out._  
_> > Like you are right now._

Beka sure didn’t mince words.

_< < I’m NOT freaking out._  
_< < Much._

_> > (;￢＿￢)_

_< < It mostly took me by surprise._  
_< < But I’m glad for him. Isabella has been such a bitch to him, I hated seeing how she was pulling him down so much._  
_< < I know you still don’t believe me, but I do just want him to be able to heal from all this shit._

_> > That’s very enlightened of you.  
>> Logan would be proud that all those weird yoga classes rubbed off on you._

_< < Shut up, fucker._

_> > But I do agree that Isabella wasn’t very supportive from what I saw. He did seem more himself with us. I think that not being with her anymore helped him let go of some of his anxiety. _

_< < Well, that’s good. But I’m worried I made things worse for him. He seemed pretty upset at the end. _

_> > No, he wasn't upset. If anything, he was just extremely touched by what you did._  
_> > I still can’t believe you gave him your gold medal from your first Grand Prix Final._  
_> > We all know what that year meant to you._

_< < Well, that’s why it had to be that year’s medal. All I wanted was to show him that he does deserve all his medals. That no matter what, he earned them. That’s what that bitch took from him. It was the least I could do._

When I realized what my medals meant to me, that they were the physical representation of all my hard work, of all the blood, sweat and tears, I thought that was something I could try to help restore for JJ. 

I figured I would probably have to spend hours convincing each skater to part with one of their medals. Instead, every time I had barely started my planned speech each one had instantly agreed, rushing off to find the appropriate medal to gift JJ. 

And what's more was all the extra thoughtfulness. Phichit came up with the idea of the picture frames as well as all the work he did with the fans, collecting letters and photos, and printing out and framing all the tweets and pictures. Yuuri had suggested the inscriptions. Each one of them rallied around the idea, and before I knew it the wall of medals, the home makeover, the charity, were all at a full gallop within a few short weeks.

Although it was something I had begun, it turned out better than I could have imagined, and was just what I wanted for JJ. The entire skating community, from the fans to the competitors, all coming together to support him. I hoped it was enough to show him how inspiring he was to others, and how everyone loved and admired him in return.

_> > JJ’s not stupid. He figured out this whole thing was you, not Victor. Especially after seeing your medal._

_< < Did he find the letter?_

_> > I made sure of it. Don’t worry. If that asshole doesn’t go running back to you on his knees begging, I’ll beat his ass for you._

_< < I told you. That’s not why I did this. _

_> > I know. But just the same._  
_> > Can I ask you something?_

_< < You can ask me anything Beka._

_> > Why didn’t you do all this when we broke up?_

This wasn’t something I could put in text. I immediately switched to Facetime and Beka’s face filled the screen. I didn’t even pause for pleasantries. 

“You said it yourself, Beka. I wasn’t the same person back then. I was just so angry and hurt. And I knew you were with someone you loved — that your heart wasn’t mine anymore. That’s probably what hurt the most. 

“Now though? I’d like to think that if you needed me like that, I’d be there for you too. I love you, Beka. But I understand. There’s not an ‘us’ like that anymore. 

“But with Jeh… well, he was there for me when I needed him — when I was hurting and in pain after we ended.” Pausing, I wondered if I should say what was really at the bottom of all of this. 

Beka raised an eyebrow. “And? You can tell me. It’s okay, Yura.”

“Well,” I continued, slowly, not sure how he would take this, “there’s a connection there I didn’t have with you anymore. It’s hard to describe, but it’s probably what you feel with Kayla. Jeh’s just always been there, rain or shine, all these years. With you, with us, I felt like I had to be something different. That I wasn't enough. And I know expected you to be a certain way for me too. With Jeh, I’ve never had to be anything other than myself. And the same with him, I think. He’s always been just JJ. That stupid, obnoxious, overly-enthusiastic, kind, funny, thoughtful asshole.

“You didn’t see all that disappear these past months. I just wanted him to have that back. Have himself back.”

I paused. Beka just looked at me in that way of his that I knew he was thinking and absorbing.

“Hm,” he said thoughtfully. “You’re wrong though, Yura,” I raised an eyebrow, but he continued before I could ask anything. “Yes, I feel a connection with Kayla, I think like how you describe it. But we haven’t reached that point where we are completely ourselves with each other yet. I think that’s where we’re headed. I hope it is. It feels like it. And it’s true that I was trying to be something for you, not just myself. But I’m still working on that with Kayla, trying to just be myself. I know that’s what she wants. But it’s not like what say you and JJ have. Not quite yet. It’s getting there though.” He turned away for a moment and I barely heard one almost-bitter laugh. “It’s ironic, isn’t it, with you and me? We had to break up to finally be ourselves with one another.”

I laughed a bit at that, too. It _was_ ironic. Maybe it was because we had shattered what everyone expected us to be when we were together. That we would be like Victor and Yuuri. But we could never live up to that. Nor did we really want to deep down. With JJ, no one expected us to ever be together, so there was never that cloud hanging over us. We could just be.

Beka continued, “No matter then if it works out with you and JJ, I’m happy you had that feeling of freedom when you were with him. Not many people ever get that.” 

“I guess not,” I sighed. “Do you think he’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, I do. Now he knows we’re all here for him. I don’t know if he really understood that before. And that’s all you, babe.”

“Just keep an eye on him for me, okay?”

“Sure babe,” Beka repeated, then gave me one of his rare, teasing winks.

I rolled my eyes and flipped him off, to which he merely chuckled softly. We continued to tease each other for a few more minutes until a large yawn forced me to admit how tired I was, and he let me go. 

Shuffling back to my bedroom, I fell on top of my bed, not even making it under the covers, just keeping the blanket around me. 

As I drifted off to sleep I felt more hopeful than I had in a while. Hopeful that time would heal JJ. Hopeful that his confidence would be restored. Hopeful that he would understand that no matter what, he was a worthwhile person. Someone who deserved to be loved and cared for. 

Though I wasn’t the praying type, I sent out a thought, a prayer, whatever you might want to call it, that JJ's heart would be able to be whole again.

I prayed that he would understand he didn’t have to do anything to earn everyone’s admiration. He just had to be himself. We all admired him because he always tried his best, even when he made mistakes. He was such a caring and good person, whose optimism and enthusiasm lifted others. It did for me over these past months. And even over all the years I knew him. The lighthearted teasing. The fact that he never said anything cruel or disparaging. I could give him all the shit in the world and he never said anything mean back. Sure he annoyed me to the ends of the earth growing up, but he was always quick with a smile and a joke. Excitement always emanated off him. He was affectionate and tender and caring. 

I just wanted to pick up all the pieces of his heart, his broken spirit and just tuck them close to me and tell him it would all be okay. That _he_ was okay. 

Feeling the peace of sleep finally take over, I breathed out my prayer to the darkness before letting go of that last thread of consciousness. Simply whispering to the approaching dawn, “Jeh, I love you,” hoping that someday he would be able to understand how much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title song: [Still Loving You, by the Scorpions](https://open.spotify.com/track/0HKOiphhmmShycugrccUoz?si=rC8KTff3QL-n3n4Yand8rQ). You should listen and read the [lyrics here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYyarcp5LtU). Definitely worth it!
> 
> Okay! One chapter left!!!!! Please tell me what you thought of what Yuri did for JJ! Do you think it was enough to show JJ how much he is loved and supported??? (And how much Yuri still loves him??) I hope so!!!
> 
> P.S. I have an announcement for you all that I hope you'll all be excited for! I know I am! I'll tell you what it is when I post the final chapter!!! So, if you've enjoyed this story I'd HIGHLY recommend subscribing to my channel, cause I've got something special coming down the pipe! Just click on my username you can then hit subscriber. XD 
> 
> You can always find me on tumblr too [@suzewrites](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/).


	18. Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It was an unspoken agreement between us that we didn’t talk about JJ. I had done all I could do for him and now needed to move on. The physical distance helped. Keeping busy with the kids helped. And throwing myself into training with Lilia and Victor helped._
> 
> _At least that's what I told myself._
> 
> _If I was completely honest, none of it helped at all. In fact, I didn’t think I would ever get over JJ. If I’d ever stop loving him._
> 
> ***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want, you can listen to the "Lovefools 'Official' Playlist" on Spotify [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/1267936889/playlist/1vsD2QndSSsMZ934eC53kV?si=Rv5xeZRbSCSrNISz7CnjEw). (It's all the music that inspired the story!) ;D
> 
> ***

Being back in Lilia’s studio the following week brought back a rush of memories as I stretched, waiting for her to finish with a student. I smiled to myself as I watched her completely obliterate everything the girl was doing. That had been me when I was young. Although I was back to having lessons with Lilia as well, I had moved past that level of critique. Now, it was mostly me trying to read her passive face and figuring out the corrections I needed on my own.

It was good to be back training with Lilia once again. To be back in the routine of life in Saint Petersburg. But something felt off. I was home, yet I still felt homesick. I tried not to think about it too much though, keeping as busy as possible.

I had hoped to start teaching here, but Lilia had waved me off. “You teach after _you’ve_ won five world championships. Then we’ll talk about teaching.”

That didn’t stop me from teaching Alice and Liam over Skype anyway. All I had to do was wait until Lilia was done with the last of her students each day to have the entire studio to myself. I’m sure she knew what I was up to because she seemed to always need these extra practice sessions with her top students until late in the evening. I didn't mind though, patiently waiting while Lilia and the young girl finished up. 

When they were done, Lilia slowly packed up her things. “It’s been a long day, Yurachka. Be sure to get enough rest tonight.” It was the same thing she said to me every night, but I merely smiled back at her. I'm sure my patience in waiting was what made her the most suspicious.

“I think I’ll just review a few things before heading home.” Every night, my response back was the same. She only gave me a perfunctory nod, before finally leaving.

Despite Lilia stretching out her evening trainings as much as she could, the timing actually worked out perfectly. My Skype class time translated to the same time my old class used to be back in Montreal, so I usually spent this time stretching and mentally preparing for what I would teach the kids.

Teaching on Skype wasn’t quite the same of course, but it was better than nothing. Phichit had joined the classes, mostly to be the cameraman, always moving the screen up close for most of Alice and Liam’s positions so I could ensure everything was in order. 

Tonight I needed to correct almost everything on Alice, though. It was becoming a more common occurance with these Skype lessons. 

“Your turnout still isn’t correct Alice, but you know that, don’t you?”

“But if I do it from my hips my feet don’t turn out as much,” she countered.

I only raised an eyebrow.

“I know, that doesn’t matter if it’s not done the right way,” she gave an exaggerated sigh. “Fine!” She adjusted and Phichit walked around her for me to inspect. 

“Now your form is perfect,” I told her, shaking my head. “You know how to do it, Alice. Why do you fight me when you know I’m just going to correct you?”

Shrugging, she simply said, “Cause arguing with you makes it seem like you’re really here and not all the way in Russia.”

God, right for the heart. “Oh, sweetheart,” I whispered softly, though I doubted she even heard me as she continued to lower into a perfect plié as part of the exercise. 

After center work, I took them through their ending stretches. I’d taken to giving them additional stretches to close out the class — mostly so I could have a chance to chat with them because I missed them _so much._

“So, Phichit signed me up for a… um, what’s it called?” Liam turned back to Phichit, who supplied _‘qualifier competition,’_ with a smile and ruffling of Liam’s hair. Liam continued then, practically bouncing off the floor with excitement, “Yeah, a qualifier competition! Though I still have to convince Maria to let me go, cause it’s in Toronto.”

I’d finally learned some more about Alice and Liam over these past weeks in these stretching sessions. Alice was always in competition with her older sister, who according to Alice was a bit too perfect and pretentious for her own good. Of course, that was how I felt about JJ for most of my time competing against him. The irony wasn’t lost on me.

The most startling revelation however, was that Liam lived with his aunt, who was also a foster mom in addition to having three kids of her own, which explained the buttload of kids. What had happened to his parents I hadn’t found out yet. Seemed the only reason he was allowed to do ballet in the first place was because Yuuri offered to cover the cost of his lessons since his aunt couldn't affort the expence. I had no problem doing the same.

Alice rolled her eyes at Liam, “Just tell her that you’ll be coming with me.”

“But _you’re_ not competing.”

“No, but _you_ are and I’ll always go to your competitions, so obviously I’ll be there.” 

The matter apparently was closed. Liam’s face turned red but he didn’t say anything more on the subject. Phichit covered his smile, raising his eyebrows the slightest amount before he stood up.

“Alright, time to go, guys,” he shuffled them out of the studio while I waited. It was our time to chat now, Phichit always updating me on all the news and gossip about everybody. Well, except one person. 

It was an unspoken agreement between us that we didn’t talk about JJ. I had done all I could do for him and now needed to move on. The physical distance helped. Keeping busy with the kids helped. And throwing myself into training with Lilia and Victor helped. 

At least that's what I told myself. 

If I was completely honest, none of it helped at all. In fact, I didn’t think I would ever get over JJ. If I’d ever stop loving him.

Phichit and I chatted for a bit. He and Chris had finally officially announced they were actually dating. So now Phichit was trying to maneuver Paige and Logan into a relationship, to which I heavily protested, declaring Phichit to be the worst matchmaker in the history of matchmaking if he thought those two would ever get together. We then chatted about the upcoming GP season, but every few minutes he’d pause, his eyes shifting down to look at his phone. 

“Phich, everything alright?”

“Oh, yeah, all good. Keep going. You were talking about your new jump sequence.”

After about thirty more seconds of talking I gave up, since Phichit continued to stare only at his phone, obviously distracted. 

“Phich! You are not paying attention at all. Am I really so boring that Instagram is that much more exciting?”

“No, that’s not it,” he smiled sheepishly. “It’s just that there’s something I want to show you.”

“Sure. What is it?”

“So,” he started slowly, then, after looking at his phone again nodded to himself as if it was okay to proceed. A message chimed from Phichit containing a link. “There’s something you need to see.”

“O-kay…” It was a shortlink for a YouTube video. I immediately became suspicious. “What is this? I’m not going to click on it and see some crazy porn video or something am I?”

“I would never!” he winked. “But no, seriously. You need to watch this. But, after I hang up. You can tell me what you think about it later.”

Now I was even warier. “Fine, but why are you being so mysterious?” 

“Just watch it. Talk to you later!” He waved goodbye and quickly left the call.

Exiting Skype, I looked back at the link in my message. I still wasn’t convinced it wasn’t going to be either a hamster video, or some bondage porn, or some bondage porn with hamsters knowing Phichit.

Opening the link, YouTube launched and my breath caught at the sight of JJ sitting at the new keyboard in his home studio. Wearing just a dark gray t-shirt and jeans he looked much more casual than he usually did, especially when he was on camera. 

Waving to the camera, he gave a tentative smile. “Hey, everyone. My good friend Drake made me realize how much I needed to get back into songwriting, so I wanted to play you a song I’ve been working on. You all know it’s kind of been a rough year for me, and I can’t tell you how much all your support has meant. There’s one person in particular though that was there for me no matter what, even when I was in a pretty dark place. But I was an idiot and pushed that person away. I don’t know if I can ever repair things, but I wanted to let them know, that…well…” he sighed and smiled softly. “It’s easier said to music, so here’s the song. I hope you guys like it.”

He took a deep breath and played a few simple [intro chords](https://open.spotify.com/track/4d7e0NB53PDs4wTQAnvdxF?si=k54GYM_NRKSQGGun6bYDVQ). Then JJ’s clear voice filled the dance studio.

 _What am I supposed to do without you?_  
_Is it too late to pick the pieces up?_  
_Too soon to let them go?_  
_Do you feel damaged just like I do?_  
_Your face, it makes my body ache_  
_It won’t leave me alone_

 _And this feels like drowning_  
_Trouble sleeping_  
_Restless dreaming_

 _You’re in my head_  
_Always, always_  
_I just got scared_  
_Away, away_  
_I’d rather choke on my bad decisions_  
_Then just carry them to my grave_  
_You’re in my head_  
_Always, always_  
_Always_

 _The cracks won’t fix and the scars won’t fade away_  
_I guess I should get used to this_  
_The left side of my chest’s an empty space_  
_I remember when we were rivals_  
_Please tell me there’s a difference_  
_Between then and now_

 _And why does this feel like drowning?_  
_Trouble sleeping_  
_Restless dreaming_

 _You’re in my head_  
_Always, always_  
_I just got scared_  
_Away, away_  
_I’d rather choke on my bad decisions_  
_Then just carry them to my grave_  
_You’re in my head_  
_Always, always_  
_Always_

JJ’s fingers danced over the keys, body swaying to the rhythm as he seemed to be playing the music with his whole being. But me — I was glued in place, mesmerized, afraid that if I even let my heart beat at all I would miss one note of his song. His song for me. 

_You’re in my heart_  
_Always, always_  
_I just got scared_  
_Away, away_  
_I know there’s nothing left to cling to_  
_But I’m still calling out your name_  
_You’re in my heart_  
_Always, always_  
_Always_

 _Always, always_  
_Always_

Eyes closed, JJ exhaled then opened them and gave a small smile to the camera. “So, that’s it. I hope you guys liked it. And, well, I just wanted to say to that person that I’m sorry for letting you down and hurting you. I won’t ever forget what you did for me and how you were there for me. I still care about you and I always will.” He bent forward to shut off the camera but paused. “Oh, and I guess I should give this song a name. There’s only one word that I can think of that fits. _Always._ ”

And with one last look at the camera, JJ’s blue eyes boring into mine from thousands of miles away, the video cut.

My face was completely wet with tears and I just kept staring down at my phone. I didn't even know what to think, completely overwhelmed by what I just watched. It was just… just…

“Hello, _mon ange_.”

Startled, I gasped, my head whipping up to look at the absolute last person I expected to see.

JJ leaned in the open doorway of the studio and all I could do was stand there blinking dumbly, thinking he must be a figment of my imagination — until he walked over and touched me, wiping the tears from my cheek with his thumb. I simply gaped up at him.

“Aren’t you going to at least say hello?” his teasing tone pulled me out of my shocked state. Barely.

Swallowing I tried to speak, but could only manage a hoarse, “J-Jeh? W-what are you doing here?” 

“You’re not the only one who can plan things, you know,” he gave me a soft smile, his thumb continuing to stroke my face.

“But, you’re here. In Russia.”

His light chuckle sent my heart into doing an ecstatic happy dance. “That I am. Is it a good surprise?” Although he smiled down at me, his voice held an edge of nervousness.

Gingerly, I reached for him, almost afraid that if I touched him back he’d vanish. My fingers skimmed oh-so lightly on his chest, over his heart. “I… I… you wrote a song for me.”

“And _you_ gave me your first Grand Prix Final gold medal.” 

JJ held out his other hand revealing a small leather pouch. It had intricate tooling on it and the stitching held a glint of gold. Opening the flap he took out the medal, letting it dangle from its ribbon. It hung there, swaying slightly, throwing bits of light around the studio. 

It was a beautifully crafted medal. Simple. Pure. Open in the middle, the metal of the circle overlapping at the top. I loved that medal. Every time I looked at it when I was discouraged in my career it reminded me of what I sacrificed to win it that season. How hard I was willing to work when I had set my sights on something. That I would do whatever it took to win.

Which was why I knew JJ needed to have it. 

His eyes stayed on the medal swinging gently between us. “I don’t know if I can keep this, Yuré. It’s too much.”

Oh Jeh, how can you still not see? Sniffing back my tears I drew JJ’s hand to me and placed the medal on his palm, closing his fingers around it.

“I wouldn’t have gotten this medal without you, Jeh. Competing against you that season — well, I was so naive when I started my first Senior season. I thought I was so good and that winning would be easy, like it had been for me in Juniors. But then I hadn’t competed against someone like you before,” I laughed softly and looked up at him. JJ’s eyes held a gleam of his own tears. “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have pushed myself as much as I did that season. Everyone thought it was Yuuri I was working to win against. But that was only for a moment, there at the end. Really, it was you. Every competition I was pushing myself because of you. I wouldn’t be the skater I am today if you weren’t the incredible skater you were. That you are.”

He looked at me, his face holding a bit of wonder, blue eyes searching mine — like he still couldn't quite understand, but was trying to.

“Yuré — what you did for me. No one… no one has ever done anything like that for me. Not ever. I know it wasn’t Victor who came up with all of that. The charity. Fixing my home. My music studio. The medals. More than that, though. You’ve done so much.” He shook his head, chuckling once. “So writing a song? That was nothing. It was all I could do to try and tell you how I feel. But it’s nothing compared to everything you’ve done for me. How you’ve been there for me.” His voice grew thicker. “You really are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

JJ took a step closer. “You know, I always thought Beka was a fool for letting you go. But _I_ was the fucking fool. I never should’ve let you go that morning, that horrible morning.” 

Though I'd been trying to keep it together as JJ spoke the memory came back with a vengeance and all I could do was cover my face in my hands and sob. JJ pulled me against his chest, cradling and stroking my head as I felt his body tremble just as much as mine.

“I knew then that I had fallen completely in love with you. And it’s no excuse, but it scared the shit out of me. I just… I was stupid.” His voice hitched around his own sobs. “I’m so sorry for everything. Sorry I hurt you. Sorry I pushed you away.”

I could hear the pain behind his cries and shook my head against his chest. I didn’t want him to take any blame for something he couldn’t control. “No, Jeh. I know you were hurting. It just hurt to see you in so much pain.”

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” JJ whispered, breath soft against my hair, his crying lessening, “but I love you. So, so much.” Taking a deep breath, he loosened his hold around me, resting his forehead against mine instead. “I wouldn’t expect you to be willing to give us a chance, but _someone_ told me that I can’t just assume what other people are feeling. So, I’m asking you — how do you feel, Yuré? Can you still love me, even after everything?”

With his head resting against mine I closed my eyes and took a few breaths. I felt my own sobs recede, though the tears continued to fall. I knew the answer, even before he asked it. But I had to make sure in my heart _he_ was ready. Ready to let me in. Ready to be open to love. 

Pressing a hand over his heart I could feel his heartbeat quicken under my touch. “Oh Jeh, _lyubimaya,_ I’ll always love you. I never stopped. More than anything, I want us to be together. But can you promise me something?”

“Anything,” he said without hesitation. “Name it. I’ll do anything for you.” Blue eyes shimmered in front of me, full of tears and promise and hope, and I lost my train of thought for a moment as I looked at them.

“God, I love your eyes,” I whispered, reaching up to brush the hair falling over JJ's face. I still couldn’t believe he was here. Telling me he loved me. That he wanted us to be together.

Slowly, a calmness came over me. JJ _loved_ me. Really, truly loved me. I could feel it standing here in his arms, feel how strong his love was for me. And that song. It was his love song to me. But it was also something more. It was his _own_ cry for love. His call for understanding. Awakening to the need within his soul to find love and to heal.

And I _loved_ him. God, I loved him. With my whole heart, my whole being, everything in me vibrating with how much I cared for him. 

Yet my heart needed to know something before I could enter that space with him fully. Because as much as I loved _him,_ I loved _me_ as well. 

I finally understood what Yuuri meant all those months ago when he told me to fall in love with myself. Loving JJ had broken my heart — and it also helped me put it back together. I found myself through loving JJ. And it’s what he was calling out for, too. More than anything else, that’s what I wanted to give him.

But he needed to be ready for it. Ready to heal.

Closing the little distance between us, I raised on my toes to meet his surprised mouth with mine and kissed him. Softly. Gently. His body shuddered once, sighing as his lips met mine, returning the sweetness in kind. As we slowly kissed I found I didn’t need to ask my question anymore. I could taste the promise on his lips, on his tongue, that yes, he was ready. 

I could also taste JJ's own question, his own need. That his heart needed time to heal. I could happily give him that. That's what I'd been wanting to give him ever since that wonderful night, when I had completely fallen in love with him without even realizing it.

As long as we were together there would be no end to what I would give for this man. This man, who I once thought my biggest rival, but who truly was the other piece of my soul.

The moonlight was bright as it shone through the windows. Streetlights seemed to twinkle like stars, their light reflecting off the studio dance mirrors. And as we continued our kiss, crying, laughing, whispering between breaths _“I love you, I love you”_ to each other in English and Russian and French, I knew that I may not know exactly what was in store for us in our future, or where this path of healing might take us, but wherever it did lead I would hold on tightly to JJ every step of the way.

 _The end. And the beginning._  
_Stay tuned. JJ and Yuri’s story continues…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the actual song JJ sings: [Always, by Gavin James](https://open.spotify.com/track/4d7e0NB53PDs4wTQAnvdxF?si=k54GYM_NRKSQGGun6bYDVQ). There are just a few words I changed in the second verse and the last refrain, so I'd recommend reading the lyrics in the chapter as you listen. ;)
> 
> And _lyubimaya,_ means beloved, or my love in Russian (according to my research at least).
> 
> Well everyone, we made it! I hope the end was worth it! And as you may have guessed... THE STORY ISN'T ENDING HERE! It continues with JJ's STORY. His story is called LOVESICK and is now Part 2 of the LOVEFOOLS SERIES.
> 
> READ IT [HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15248556/chapters/35368032)!
> 
> And you can find me on [tumblr](https://suzewrites.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/suzewrites) @suzewrites for both.


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